


A Clash of The Stars

by Geritashipper123



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Bottom Spock, Coming Out, Crossover, Emotions, Established Relationship, FIx It, Fluff, Jim Kirk is a badass, Jim literally fights the universe to get back to spock, M/M, Memories, Not much tho, Nothing can keep the space husbands apart, Old Married Spirk Challenge, Reunions, Rimming, Secret Relationships, Space Husbands, Spock is a badass, Star Trek: Generations Fix-It, The Nexus - Freeform, Weddings, all the emotions, and not till the end, non graphic sexual content later on, old married spirk, old men being adorable, one of these couples is not like the others, one xenophobic vulcan asshole, sex with feelings, some explicit sex, spock prime is emotional, tasteful references, you can skip it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 10:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8442589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: James Kirk and his boyfriend Spock are happy. Really, they really really are. They can't come out to their crew even though their crew has relationships that are out to them. But everything's fine, really. Jim makes Spock happy and Spock makes Jim happy. Really.James Kirk and his husband Spock are crazily in love. Their ridiculously happy and wish they could come out. When they meet another them... well, It's interesting. Spock hasn't seen his husband James Kirk in 81 years. He can't bear the weight of his memories. When he gets a message from another version of his crew... well. He wishes he had the stars that took his husband to comfort him again.





	1. Meeting Of Stars

**Author's Note:**

> HEY HEY HEY OLD MARRIED SPIRK LETS GO.
> 
> I have all the chapters written (there's 15) and I have a plan to upload one every weekday. 
> 
> Dedicated to @oldmarriedspirk on Tumblr, for obvious reasons.

_The Enterprise, original_

_~_

Captain Jim Kirk had a very _bad_ feeling when he went to stand on the transporter. A bad feeling in his gut that he _knew_ he should have listened to- a similar feeling had saved his skin several times. But for some reason, he clenched his jaw and shook it off and glanced over at Spock for reassurance like always.

Brown met hazel, and the question in Spock’s eyes was clear. A conversation happened in just a look

_‘What's wrong?’_

_‘Nothing. I'm fine.’_

_‘I trust you, as always’_

Jim let out a little sigh. It was a content sound- Spock’s silent presence, like always, calmed him. He knew Spock thought about bonding with him, Jim thought about it too.

But he wasn’t _sure._ He just wasn't. He didn't know if he could…

He shook his head. He was going on a mission, he was in Captain mode, this was no time to ponder his relationship problems.

The door slid open and Nyota and Sulu came in, Scotty and Chekov on their heels. Nyota joined him, Spock and Bones on the transporter, and Sulu leaned in to kiss Chekov on the cheek before following.

Jim sighed silently again. Command officers weren't allowed to fraternize. The captain and the first officer couldn't be in a relationship- homosexual or otherwise. It was written clearly, and it had been one of the main reasons it had taken 3 years of being trapped on a ship together for Jim and Spock to pull their heads out of their asses.

They couldn’t tell the crew though, not even Bones. He was gonna get punched for that one when the doctor did find out- he and Jim were best friends after all 

Scotty and Chekov went to stand behind the counsel. “Ve’re Ready to beam you down to wenger 3 keptin!” Chekov said. Scotty nodded. “On yer word sir.”

Jim straightened his back slightly, nodding. “Energize Mr. Scott.”

As his atoms started to swirl and dissipate, the sinking feeling in Jim’s gut came back. Not even the usual stomach drop that came with the transport process 

The usual whirrs and hums all followed their usual pattern 

And then they changed.

There was a horrible screeching sound, and he vaugley heard a Russian curse echoing in his ears.

And then, he couldn't see.

Silently, he said his prayers. He knew the dangers of the transporter- it had backfired for them many many times ( _dear god the mirror verse_ ) but despite the fact that it malfunctioned often, he never thought it would actually kill him.

Poor Bones, the Georgian had always hated the transporter. Sad to think he’d been proven right.

And Spock, _damn_ he was sorry they didn't have a lot of time.  

And then, like always, sound came back. Weight came back.

And sight came back. He could _breathe_ again. Thank god.

He opened his eyes-

And _immediately closed them again_  

What was so bright? Venger 3 was supposed to be a cloudy planet, and they were beaming down to a harbor town. They weren't supposed to be somewhere bright.

“... Um.”

 _That_ made him open his eyes, because that was not the same voice he knew. Sure, the Russian accent was there, but the tone was much higher. He looked over at Sulu to see his jaw hanging open. Well they all looked the same. He glanced down at himself to see he was still in his own skin and green tunic. Spock was still in his science blues and his ears were still pointed (there was no beard thank god).

They all looked the same- _Chekov however_  

The Russian was standing behind the transporter alone, in his yellow uniform. His hair was short and curly and the boy was absolutely _tiny_. His eyes were huge and innocent, like a child's. But he saw the light of experience in them 

“... _chto der'mo._ ” The boy- was it really Chekov?- breathed, hand inching towards his belt.

“... Pav?” Hikaru tried, making the poor boy jump and _flinch_ , like he’d been shocked. “ _O Blyad'_ ” Chekov cursed next, biting his bottom lip.

A quick glance at Spock, who nodded, and Jim took a cautious step forward. “Mister Chekov-" 

“Don't move!” Chekov said in accented english, holding up his hands like he was going to stop him, blinking in confusion. “Don't… Don't move! I’ll call security if you do!” Chekov said, becoming more confident as the shock wore off. He heard Spock shift his weight behind him, ready to rush forward and knock the boy out.

Apparently, this Chekov (?) recognized the move because his hand inches towards his phaser. “Don't move!... Mr… Spock…” He said the name hesitantly, like he wasn't sure it was him.

Jim could _picture_ Spock’s eyebrows go up.

Not looking away from them and simultaneously not looking at the stunned Japanese man, Chekov started sidestepping towards the wall, one hand still up like he was soothing an animal.

Finally he made it to the wall, where Jim saw a communication system on the wall.

Chekov lowered his hand to press the button “Transporter room to bridge!” He said, voice ever so slightly panicked. His eyes were still locked on the team on the transporter pad.

“Bridge.” Said a deep baritone voice. Jim would know that tone anywhere, and he felt himself stiffen in surprise. There was no way…

“Commander Spock?” Chekov said, swallowing, and it was Jim’s turn for his eyebrows to go up in surprise. 

“Yes ensign?” Said the voice- Spock?!- over the communicator. “We have a situation here sir.” Chekov said, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but there.

“Explain Mr. Chekov.”

“I… I think that the captain, you, Lieutenant Uhura, Hika- I mean, Lieutenant Sulu, and Dr. McCoy just beamed on to our warp pad sir.” Chekov stuttered

“... Mr. Chekov.” Spock said, tone slightly disapproving and yet intrigued “Miss. Uhura and Mr. Sulu are both on the bridge with me, and the captain is in the sick bay for a check up with the doctor.”

“I'm aware sir, however I believe you’ll want to come down here.”

“... I’ll be right down. With the captain and the doctor. Spock out.” Said Spock- _Spock!_ \- before the communicator clicked off. 

Chekov turned to face them fully. “Just… Stay put.” He said, holding his hands up again.

Jim sighed and glanced over his shoulder at Spock.

 _‘Well, this should be fun.’_  

 

* * *

 

_New Vulcan_

_~_

Rebuilding a whole species was hard.

So much was lost in the destruction of Vulcan, and Spock was doing his best to help as much as he could.

It was hard though. He’d come out of nowhere (he couldn't exactly _tell_ people he was from another dimension, especially since it was the same dimension Nero was from) and not many people trusted him yet. He couldn't blame them, not at all. The Vulcans as a species had gone from upwards of 8 million throughout the galaxy to around 700,000 total. They’d lost the planet they’d lived on for hundreds of thousands of years and with it hundreds of years of knowledge and records that they’d never get back. Not to mention historical temples and statues and memorials and graves. And all other races and outsiders could do was offer their condolences and petty, pointless financial compensation.

The Vulcan race wasn't particularly obliged to trust anyone right now.

Nonetheless, Spock was trying to do his best for his species (even if it wasn't technically his) and that meant helping out.

Unfortunately, it also meant stress.

Spock would say he was irritated if irritation wasn't an emotion. No one was working with him and no one was helping him 

Thus why he’d spent the past 10 minutes attempting to get very deep in meditation.

It was working too, and like always he was at the stage where he was swimming in memories.

_Stress was pressing down on Spock’s shoulders as he sat in his office in their apartment, flipping through papers. His students were very bright, so why were they making such idiotic and illogical mistakes? None of these cadets were suited to be captain! Then again, he may be biased on the qualifications of a captain._

_Speaking of which, the smell of spiced tea hit his nose at the same time that the sole creaking floor board hit his ears. Spock looked up just in time to see the door swing open. Jim came in, two mugs in his hand. “Hey gorgeous.” He said with a grin that could only be described as cheesy, eyes glittering._  

_Spock felt his lips twitch. He called Spock gorgeous when Jim was more beautiful than the sun and stars? Jim came over and set the tea on the table next to Spock’s elbow, careful not to set it on his papers. Spock sat back in his chair and Jim leaned down to press a sweet kiss to his cheekbone._

_“Thank you for the tea T’hy’la. I was going to take a break soon.” Spock said_

_“You're stressed, I could tell.” Jim said,  free hand gesturing to the area next to his temple. Ah, so he had been letting his thoughts seep through the bond. “Hey” Jim said, smiling down at him “let's go out for dinner tonight.”_

_“Italian?” Spock said, making Jim smile at the memories that came along with the suggestion. “Anything for my husband.” Jim cooed._

And then, _something_ bloomed in Spock's head. It was warm and cold and…

And…

 _T’hy’la_.

The realization hit Spock so acutely he was physically thrown forward. His hips ached in protest as he was shoved out of his meditation position, arm shooting out to catch himself only for the palm of his hand to slide across the floor and Spock’s face to hit the ground, jaw snapping closed audibly.

He didn't care. He shifted so he was laying on his side and curled in on himself. The shock of being thrown out of his deep meditation and the feeling of his bond- one half of which had been dead for over 70 years- reigniting so strangely compromised his control.

It wasn't _Jim._ Not his Jim. Not his _k’hat’n’dlawa_. Not quite. It was almost the same feeling he’d gotten when he saw the young Jim Kirk on delta vega, only intensified. But him being so deep in meditation, having all his sheilds down, the shock of it had been uncontrolled 

What had set it off though?

The only thing that ever had elicited an emotional response from any Spock was a Jim Kirk, so what had happened? 

 _Oh James, what's happened now_?

 

* * *

 

_The Enterprise, Alternate_

~

Pavel was positively _mortified_ when the transporter started acting up, Jim could tell from the boy's face as he stood in the corridor explaining what had happened.

The captain had been with Bones, checking on a bad burn he’d gotten a few days ago, when Spock had commed them to come to the transporter room.

‘ _Is everything okay?’_ He’d thought at his bondmate as he put his shirt on and Bones grabbed his tricorder.

_‘I am unsure. Mr. Chekov’s frantic message has Mr. Sulu very concerned, and myself as well. He is usually quite level headed.’_

_‘You're fond of Pavel. Just admit it to yourself Spock.’_

_‘Jim please’_ and Jim had to smile at that because even Spock’s _mental_ voice was sassy. God damn he was lovestruck.

When they’d gotten to the transporter room, Chekov and Spock were outside, and the ensign had launched into a story of what had happened.

“And vhen the atoms formed, there they vere keptain!” He finished, trembling slightly “I didn't touch the counsel I swear!”

“I believe you.” Jim said, tone soothing “calm down.” Chekov nodded slowly, taking a breath.

“Dismissed ensign, head back to the bridge. We’ll deal with this.” Jim said gently. Pavel looked grateful and nodded, walking off.

“Let's go see what all the damn fuss is about then.” Leonard said, pressing the button to open the door- 

And there they were.

5 faces turned to them as they came in, and Jim couldn’t believe it but _it was true_.

The other McCoy was the first thing he noticed, because of his hair. It was longer, almost bowl cut but not a bowl cut; it swept to one side. The doctor’s eyes were still a bright blue, and the moment the two doctors eye’s met they both recoiled and looked away in exactly the same fashion. 

Nyota’s hair was curly and pinned on top of her head, and sulu’s hair was longer. His jaw was a more defined line.

And then there was him and Spock.

The new Spock was slightly older, and taller than his Spock. His arms and legs were lanky, almost disproportionate to his torso. The ears were pointed in the same way, but his Spock’s ears jutted to the sides a bit more. The cheekbone and jaw were still well defined. He watched as the two sized each other up for a moment, and felt his Spock shift slightly closer to him. _Vulcans_.

His counterpart was shorter than he was by a few inches, and his cheeks and sides were rounder. His eyes were a gleaming hazel and his skin was tanned. Jim locked eyes with him and frowned. His eyes looked familiar, like something he saw in a dream.

‘ _... Oh!’_

Realization hit him like a slap.

 _‘The mind meld. Old Spock’s memories. Old Spock’s Kirk.’_ And then he blinked and his eyes switched to the Spock standing next to Kirk _‘oh fuck. Old Spock.’_  

 _‘Ashal’veh please stop referring to the ambassador as old me. However, if your memories are correct then it would appear that this is the crew of the alternate timeline’s Enterprise_.’ Spock replied over their link, still looking at his counterpart.

“... Well.” Jim finally said after a moment. “This is certainly… Fascinating.” He said 

“Indeed.” Both the Spock's said at the same time, and then blinked when they realized what had just happened.

And abruptly, the tension snapped.

Jim snorted in spite of himself, and Kirk smiled a little. “You would find it fascinating.” McCoy muttered, as Bones shook his head and went over to the other universes Uhura and Sulu to check them out. 

“My name is Captain James T. Kirk, of the _U.S.S_ _Enterprise,_ ” Jim said, stepping forward. “And this is my first officer, Mr. Spock, along with my CMO, Doctor McCoy.”

Kirk smiled at him gently “Funny. I was about to say the same thing, in addition with introducing my helmsman, Lieutenant Sulu. And my communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Oh I know, they look like their counterparts on my ship.” Jim said, looking over at them.

“And was that Navigations officer Chekov I saw before?” Kirk asked, and Jim nodded “he's technically still an ensign though.” He explained, making the other captain nod.

“May I ask how you're reacting so calmly?” The Spock that came with Kirk asked, inclining a brow.

Jim glanced at his Spock, who nodded once. “We’ve had some experience with alternate timelines.” Jim said “specifically yours.”

Kirk raised a brow “how so?”

“All in due time captain.” His Spock said. Jim felt an odd rush of possessiveness when Spock called Kirk “captain”. _He_ was Spock’s captain dammit. That was _his_ Vulcan, Kirk had his own.

Spock twitched slightly next to him, and Jim suppressed a grin.  
This was going to be interesting, to say the least.


	2. The Stars' History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things get explained, and something is happening somewhere in the universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm so excited. I think i'm breaking my comment record :DDD i love all the feedback. Thanks guys!
> 
> dedicated to sconehura ;)

_ The Enterprise, Altered _

~

 

“So.” Kirk said, sliding into the seat of the meeting room Jim had brought them to. “Where exactly are we anyway?” 

 

Jim looked over at his Spock “what can we tell them that won’t alter the timeline?” He asked. 

 

“You are… In an altered timeline.” Spock began after a moment’s pause. “Far far off in your timeline’s future- I will not disclose when, for that could alter the events that transpire- a sun dies and becomes a black hole.” He turned so his gaze locked with the older Spock “a much older version of you accepted a mission to take red matter to the center of it to shut it down before it destroyed a planet.” 

 

“But that's a suicide mission.” Sulu said, eyes widening. The older Spock tilted his head in contemplation. 

 

“I'm sure the elder had his reasons.” Jim said, jumping to the ambassador’s defense. He couldn't help feeling overprotective of the older Vulcan, especially since he’d become such a role model and friend. Especially since  _ khan _ \- 

 

Jim shook his head, now wasn't the time to think about that. “Continue, science officer.” 

 

Spock nodded, sparing Jim a glance. “Anyway, the ambassador- as that is his rank- failed in his mission. The black hole destroyed the planet he had been trying to save, along with a mining ship and the ship he was in. The black hole sent the two ships back in time.” He glanced at Jim, as if for permission to continue.

 

Jim sighed a little “the mining ship came through first, 20 years before the second ship came. When the mining ship did come, it nearly destroyed the  _ Kelvin _ and all its people if not for” he faltered for a moment “if not for the heroic actions of the late Captain George Kirk.” He finished, swallowing. 

 

Kirk’s eyes widened “Dad.” He said softly “He’s…” 

 

“Captain keep in mind this isn't our timeline.” The older Vulcan said, resting a hand on Kirk’s forearm. “I’m aware of that mister Spock it's just…” He looked at Jim “Did you know him?” 

 

Jim shook his head “I was 8 minutes old.” He mumbled. He felt a wave of affection come through the bond, and he smiled slightly before looking up “Don't worry. It was a long time ago.” He said, waving it off. He didn’t grieve much for his dad- too much other stuff to worry about. Maybe he could get this Kirk to tell him about George. 

 

“I grieve with thee.” The older Spock said, eyes locking with Jim’s for a moment. Jim nodded slightly in thanks. He looked up at his Spock, who shifted so his wrist brushed against Jim’s shoulder as he stood over him. “Are you gonna tell them more…?

 

“I intended to captain.” Spock said. Jim nodded “continue then.” He sent a wave of support to his  _ ashaya _ , knowing he would need it for this part of the story. 

 

“As I said, 20 years later the ambassador’s ship came through the black hole.” Spock continued. “The mining ship was waiting for him. The captain of the ship- whose name I shall not disclose- blamed him for the destruction of his planet.” A deep breath in, and then out. Spock was in control, Jim could feel it. 

 

“The captain of the mining ship decided that as penance for the destruction of his planet, he would destroy the Ambassador’s.” 

 

Jim could see the realization that dawned on each of the older crew member's faces. “You don't mean he intended to destroy the Vulcan of this world?” Uhura asked after a moment. 

 

Spock took another breath “I'm afraid, Miss Uhura, that is correct.” 

 

McCoy’s eyes widened “but it wasn't his universe! And it wasn't the whole planet’s fault that the ambassador didn't make it in time-” 

 

“Believe me, doctor, we know.” Spock interrupted. But this time, there was an audible tremble to his voice. They all heard it, and the shock changed to horror.

 

“... This man. He succeeded didn't he?” Kirk said. 

 

Spock swallowed silently, then nodded. “Evacuation was attempted.” He explained “and many ships were sent to assist, including the Enterprise. However, the efforts were in vain. Much was lost. Many were killed.” His eyes were locked on a fixed point on the wall, and Jim wished he could grab his hand to comfort his  _ k’diwa _ . 

 

Damn starfleet regulation. 

 

“... I grieve with thee.” Spock- the older Spock- said, voice stone cold. Kirk glanced back at his first officer, making sure he was okay. Spock’s face was a mask, and he clearly had a lot going through his mind. He turned his attention back to this Spock, the young one. He’d never known Spock so young, and it was intriguing to see. He kinda wanted to hug him. He was so young- and he’d lost his whole planet. 

 

“I thank you.” Spock said to his counterpart after a moment. “It cannot be helped however.  _ Kaiidth _ .” 

 

“And you?” McCoy asked “How did you fare during this?” Kirk turned to his CMO “Bones-” 

 

“I was emotionally compromised.” Spock admitted “as I was in my rights to be I believe, my planet was destroyed. And my mother-” he caught himself as he realized he hadn't mentioned that, but it was too late. They all heard it. The older Spock’s eyes darkened considerably. 

 

“... So.” Jim said, standing abruptly. “That's… Well, that's the major differences in our timeline.” 

 

“The ambassador.” Older Spock said “what happened to him?” 

 

“He still lives on new Vulcan. I think he would be most beneficial to helping to return you home.” Younger Spock said. Jim nodded in agreement “does he know something you don't?” Sulu asked. Spock- Jim’s Spock- nodded. “You must understand that the ambassador is 156 years old. He has had many experiences I have not had yet.” 

 

“... So we're heading to new Vulcan.” Kirk said, and Jim nodded “well, we will be.” And then he smiled “come on. Let me show you my fair lady.” 

 

* * *

 

_???? _

~

 

The man sighed softly as he walked about. It was a gorgeous day. 

 

_ Hey gorgeous _

 

He groaned softly and shook his head. That happened sometimes, weird memories popped into his head. Too much time spent in the transporter probably. Maybe the doctor had been right all those years ago- 

 

_ Dammit man, just pull your head out of your ass and talk to hi _ -

 

He winced as that one brought searing pain. His migraines had been getting bad lately, he really ought to call someone. 

 

With a light sigh he walked around, looking up at the trees. His property was huge and partially forest in addition to the actual farm. He smiled as he remembered growing up here. 

 

His favorite season had always been the winters-

 

_ Jim hummed as he stoked the fire. “Hey darling! You can come in here now, it's nice and warm, promise!”  _

 

_ Jim had to laugh as he saw Spock come in from the kitchen. He had on two pairs of socks and thick flannel sweatpants. He knew that there were 3 shirts- not counting the borrowed plaid shirt that was hung over his shoulders- underneath the two quilts he had wrapped around him. A knit hat with a puff ball on top sat on his head to keep the tips of his ears warm.  _

 

_ “Ashayam, if you're that cold you really should have said something sooner.” Jim said between giggles, standing and coming over to him. The look Spock gave him was dry, and close to a glare. “I did not wish to interrupt your “Christmas cheer.”” Spock replied, tone as dry as his look. Jim laughed again and planted a kiss on the green tip of his nose “you like Christmas Spock. It's… “The least illogical holiday despite its illogical scapegoat.” Spock, babe, I told you we didn’t have to come to Iowa.”  _

 

_ “You’ve missed your family home. You dream of it often. We keep it so you can come visit-”  _

 

_ “Yeah in the summer, because it's nice here in the summer. There's 4 feet of snow outside.” He smiled as he led Spock over to the fire “and you're freezing.” As if on cue, Spock sneezed. He had the most adorable sneezes, and Kirk giggled again “and apparently, you're getting a cold.” He teased. _

 

_ Spock did glare at him this time, he was sure of it. “I would not be so cold if humans did not insist on living in such illogical places. Earth has a habitable zone, you call it the equator. Iowa is not a logical place to live.” Spock decided, curling against Jim’s side as they both sat on the floor.  _

 

_ Jim gasped in mock horror “Mr. Spock! I can put up with a lot of things, but hating the great state of Iowa is unacceptable! I simply cannot be with a man who hates Iowa!” He said, voice teasing.  _

 

_ Spock dropped his blankets and wrapped his arms around his husband, face buried his face in Jim’s shoulder “Iowa is a beautiful state, do not leave my side.”  _

 

_ Jim laughed and pulled the blankets around both of them.  _

 

_ “Never. We said always didn't we?” He leaned back to kiss Spock’s forehead through the hat. “Now Mr. Spock.” Jim said, grinning. “Shall I show you the best way to keep warm in the winter? I’ll give you a hint, it doesn't involve clothes.”  _

 

_ Spock picked up his head to give him another withering look. “Jim. I am freezing, for lack of a better term. I do not believe stripping and engaging in coitus on the living room floor is advisable-” _

 

_ “Shh.” Jim said, leaning in “you’ll warm up to the idea. Literally.” He grinned _

 

_ And then their mouths were pressed against each other, and-  _

 

_ And… _

 

The man gasped as he opened his eyes. He’d been dreaming, he must have fallen asleep.

 

What on earth had that been? Spock had been his first officer, he hadn't even had feelings.

 

With a slight tremble, the man stood and headed back to his home.

 

James T. Kirk had been in the sun too long. He really needed to see someone about his migraines. Maybe Antonia could help.

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

~

 

“And finally.” Jim said as the door swung open “the bridge!” 

 

The grand tour had taken an hour, and it was nice to have a captive audience for once. They kept pointing out the differences between the two ships, and it was incredibly interesting. 

 

“Keptain on the bridge!” Pavel called when they came in. Then blinked when he saw Kirk “and… ah… Keptain… On… The bridge…?” He said, blinking rapidly, staring up from them from his seat at the helm. Hikaru looked up from the counsel to turn his chair “are you okay-” 

 

And then he saw the other him. “... Oh. That's what you meant.” Hikaru said, blinking once, then twice, and then turning back to the helm. 

 

Jim smiled a bit, glancing over his shoulder at the alternate crew. “Well, you’ve met Ensign Chekov, and I'm assuming you can guess Helmsman Sulu pretty well.” The older Sulu nodded, watching himself with curiosity. 

 

Spock, who had left the tour to return to the bridge, stood from the captain's chair when Jim came onto the bridge. “Captain.” He said “we’re on route to New Vulcan, and should arrive there in a few days assuming there are no incidents. Mr. Scott is also working on the transporters to figure out what happened.” Jim nodded “Miss Uhura?” He turned at the same moment she did, and tilted her head when she saw the people behind him. “... Yes captain?” Nyota said, opting not to comment. “Have we contacted starfleet? Let them know anything?” “I sent them a message sir, no reply.” 

 

Jim nodded “ah- gentleman, this is Nyota Uhura. Best communications officer in the fleet.” He smiled “but you knew that.” 

 

“Indeed we did.” Kirk said, making both of the ladies blush slightly.

 

“I also sent a message to the ambassador saying we had some people he’d want to meet, as the commander told me to.” Nyota continued “He replied saying he would prepare rooms for us to stay at.” Jim nodded “thank you Lieutenant.” 

 

Spock stepped to the side to let Jim sit in the captain's chair. Jim glanced up at him once he had. 

 

Kirk watched in wonder as the two gazed at each other. He wondered if they were having a communication with their eyes like him and Spock or if they shared a bond? “Captain.” The younger Spock said “I believe I may be emotionally compromised-” Kirk blinked at that. His Spock would never  _ admit  _ to being emotionally compromised. And yet, as he took in the stiffness of the shorter Vulcan (he was just barely shorter than his Spock) and the way his left hand grasped his right wrist as they were behind his back, he could understand why. Telling that story earlier had affected him. 

 

“Go meditate then. Your shift’s done anyways.” Jim said, leaning to rest his head on his hand and his elbow on the arm of the chair “dismissed officer.” The younger Spock nodded once and walked out. 

 

“And you?” Kirk said, glancing back at his Spock. Spock blinked. “Captain if you're suggesting I'm emotionally compromised I must object-” “of course I'm not Mr. Spock.” Kirk interrupted, knowing how insulting that would be to his… Boyfriend? Yeah. That was pretty accurate. “I'm simply suggesting it may be beneficial for you.” Kirk finished. Spock hesitated, then nodded once and walked out. 

 

Kirk rolled his eyes slightly. Stubborn Vulcans. 

 

“So” Jim said, turning to face them “there's the small matter of where you’ll be staying. We have a full house right now-” 

 

“I have an extra bed in my room.” Nyota said “Miss Uhura can stay with me.” Uhura smiled at her counterpart, nodding slightly. 

 

Jim nodded. “Alright. Mr. Sulu?” He glanced back at his own helmsman. “He can stay in my bunk captain. I’ll stay” he paused and glanced over at Chekov, who nodded “I’ll stay somewhere else.” 

 

Jim grinned a little and nodded. “Very well.” His gaze turned to the two doctors next. 

 

Bones looked at him, then at McCoy, who shrugged. Bones sighed “I’ll put him up in the medbay if I can't find anywhere else.”

 

Kirk locked gazes with the younger captain “and me and Spock?” Jim shrugged slightly “if you two don't mind sharing a bunk I can put you up in Spock’s room.”

 

“That shouldn't be an issue at all.” Kirk said.

 

In that moment, both versions of Jim Kirk knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder where the admiral is... ;)
> 
> (I love this seriously)


	3. Twin Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 stories, 2 memories, 1 heart and soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up! ahhh this story is my brain child honestly... Its so fun! :D
> 
> This is one of my favorite chapters, cause we really get into it in this one...
> 
> Dedicated to Haruki Murakami for reminding me that your stories can be really weird and still really famous

_ New Vulcan  _

_ ~ _

 

Spock sighed as he sat back in his chair. He was alone after a meeting with the other Vulcan elders. He’d also told Sarek that his son was coming to visit, and Sarek’s response was better than his father’s would have been at this age. 

 

He sighed again, thinking about his parents as he did every so often. His mother had died of old age, and his father had followed only 7 years later when he refused to take a mate during his time. Spock didn't care much- his father had wanted to follow his mate the day she had passed, much like Spock had when the nexus took Jim. 

 

And then again when he died under the bridge. 

 

He shuddered, and his end of the t’hy’la bond sparked painfully again. It had been acting strange for 5 hours now, and it made his head and his heart hurt. Why did the universe insist on testing his emotional control? All he’d ever worked towards was being a good little Vulcan, and then the universe had thrown starfleet and the Enterprise and  _ Jim  _ in his face and made it impossible for him to retain any semblance of emotional control. And just when he was happy and doing what he thought the universe wanted, it ripped Jim from him far too soon. As if that wasn't enough, Jim was returned to their universe for a blissful time- only to be killed by a  _ bridge _ . There was nothing heroic about Jim’s death. No glory. No finesse. It was hardly a worthy death for the supernova that had been James Tiberius Kirk. 

 

Spock hadn't even gotten to speak to him. 

 

Why was he tortured so? Was it his own creation? Had his old tormentors been right- was the universe punishing him for his abomidable existence? 

 

Was it penance for falling for Jim? Was he being tortured for some sin he had committed? Well the universe could make him suffer as much as it wished, Spock wouldn't apologize, not for Jim. 

 

Between all the stress of his work and all the memories of Jim he had been caught up in recently, he would have cried, if he were human.

 

_ If he were human _ . That summed up his life.  _ If he were human. If he were vulcan _ . 

 

A child of two worlds, truly. 

 

_ Spock took a deep breath as he sat, attempting meditation in the botanical garden. The Yimenzis were a newly discovered species, but they knew about everyone else. Starfleet had sent admiral Kirk on this mission because the Yimenzis knew his name and knew of his adventures. The Yimenzis also, apparently, knew of Vulcans. _

 

_ Or more specifically, nearly worshiped them.  _

 

_ Never before had Spock seen such Vulcan-like conduct from a Non-Vulcan species. From the logical emotional control to the peaceful teachings of Surak, the Yimenzis knew Vulcan tradition and almost all of them spoke fluent Vulcan. Jim had brought Spock with him because “who better to help me interact with them then _ my  _ Vulcan?” _

 

_ The Yimenzis however, saw it differently.  _

 

_ Like many before them, they saw him and attacked, cursing the traitorous half-breed. They hadn't even  _ tried  _ to be civil. They started insulting him in Yimenzi, Vulcan, and Standard. The physical attack was an hour later, Jim had left his side for a minute and Spock was shot with a phaser.  _

 

_ Jim had sufficiently panicked over his husband, freaked out at the prospect of losing him again.  _

 

_ Spock had just risen to his feet, told the admiral to continue on and walked out before anyone could stop him. He felt his body aching, and he heard Jim calling after him both mentally and verbally, but Spock had shielded and then-  _

 

_ He hadn't hid. Hiding was illogical because there was no danger. The probability that the Yimenzi would actually try to kill him was… Not necessarily in his favor. But the odds of them succeeding were extremely low.  _

 

_ He attempted to take comfort in that fact.  _

 

_ He opened his eyes with a sigh as he realized meditation would not help him this time. He wished Jim was able to come and comfort him.  _

 

_ He thought about how Jim would always make time for him, how whenever try would face any sort of xenophobia, Jim would jump to his defense and make sure he was okay. Spock’s rapid exit had made it so he didn't know if Jim did that. He wanted to hear his husband’s voice and hold his hand and… _

 

_ “S’gan T’gai Spock, swallow your goddamn pride.” Spock said aloud, quoting a phrase Jim and Leonard had both said to him at different points in time (although unlike them, he didn't butcher his own name)  _

 

_ He sighed, and he lowered his mental shields. Jim’s worry flowed across the bond to him. Spock closed his eyes and… _

 

_ ‘Jim?’ _

 

_ ‘Are you okay? You really need to go to medical we don't know what type of phasers they use-’ _

 

_ ‘Jim-’ _

 

_ ‘Why did you just walk out? I'm worried about you you never just walk out like that these guys are such assholes it's taking all my willpower not to punch them in their goddamn faces they keep mentioning you using these horrible names- _

 

_ ‘Jim.’ Spock’s mental voice is pressing ‘Jim please.’ He sent a mental image of his location across the bond along with some of his sadness, anxiety, and need  _

 

_ ‘Fuck. Give me 5 minutes.’  _

 

_ In the end, Jim came into the little clearing Spock had settled in 3.467 minutes later, eyes wide. Spock looked up at him and saw his own face reflected in Jim’s eyes.  _

 

_ Jim crouched next to him and brushed a hand over his cheek, and Spock hadn't realized it but he had been crying.  _

 

_ “Ignore them.” Jim said.  _

 

_ “James-” _

 

_ “Ignore them. That's an order.” Jim’s voice is half a growl. “I'm gonna go back there and punch that asshat-” he said, voice approaching a snarl that is fearsome with protectiveness.  _

 

_ And Jim is apparently visualizing punching someone as well, because the image of Jim’s shirt tearing off and his muscles growing as he punches the Yimezi’s elders in their faces fills his head _

 

_ And the image of Jim “hulking out” (as the old earthen saying goes) is so strange and beautiful that Spock couldn't help it, he laughed _

 

Spock still won't let himself cry. Not here. Not now. 

 

He gets up and continues on with his day, the monumental daily task of  _ not thinking about Jim  _ keeps him far too busy to ponder the vague message from this universe's Nyota Uhura.

 

* * *

  
  


_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

~

 

When Kirk and Jim return to the captain's quarters at the end of shift, their shocked to see Jim’s Spock sitting on Jim’s bed for meditation. 

 

He’s totally silent, back straight as a ruler, head bowed slightly. His hands are pressed together in his lap. He’s pulled off his over shirt, and the blue material is folded neatly in one corner of the bed. His black thermal undershirt is still on his torso, and Kirk can see every line of his abdomen. He wondered if this Spock was hairy like his Spock was. 

 

Kirk’s Spock comes in only minutes after they do, and raises a brow when he sees Kirk staring in wonder at the Spock on the bed. 

 

“Captain?” He asks, snapping the shorter captain out of his thoughts. 

 

“... He's so young.” Kirk says, looking between the two. “I didn't know you when you were this young. Pike did. And you never meditate somewhere where others can find you.” 

 

“On the contrary” his Spock says “I have meditated on missions with others serveral times. I simply do it when everyone else is asleep.” Kirk shrugs. He knows how important meditation is to Spock, and doesn't question his habits with it. 

 

Jim steps forward, stretching “did Spock give you his meditation room?” He asked Kirk’s Spock, who nodded. “A robe as well.” Jim sighs almost fondly “of course he did. He meditates like this some days, when he’s really stressed or pressed for time.” 

 

Kirk’s Spock nods again. “Having the ability to make the whole world dissipate, for however short an amount of time, is a value.” He said. Jim sighed “talking about Vulcan is hard for him. He feels guilty that he didn't do more.” The younger captain’s face darkens “not to mention that no one on New Vulcan is helping him.” He grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. 

 

Kirk’s eyes widened as he realized what he meant “he’s still ostracized? They lost their whole planet, isn't that illogical at this moment?” 

 

“Unfortunately, captain” His Spock said “I fear that a great loss would only make the Vulcans cling to the old ways more than they do in our universe. And the old ways include keeping the Vulcan race pure.” 

 

“Bullshit.” Jim says, shaking his head “it's just a load of bullshit. And don't even get me  _ started  _ on Sarek.” 

 

Spock sighed softly at the mention of his father, then glanced at the younger him who was still deep in meditation. 

 

“Have you guys had to transport him to Babel yet?” Kirk asked, and Jim shook his head. “Oh geez, I don't know what will happen in this universe but I hated Sarek after that mission.” 

 

“You hated being immobile for 2 days.” 

 

“Well yeah but I hated your father too. He was a jerk.” Kirk huffed, and Spock stepped closer to him to place a hand on his shoulder.  

 

Jim hums and sits on the corner of the bed, maybe a foot away from the meditating Vulcan. Kirk and his Spock sat in chairs. 

 

“So-” Jim started when his Spock suddenly made a little noise and his spine curved as he let his posture drop and came back to the conscious world. He lifted his head and blinked a few times. “Captain, captain.” He said, then glanced at the other him “... Mr. Spock.” 

 

“Hey.” Jim said gently, handing him the blue overshirt. Spock pulled it over his head messing up his hair before he could comb it with his hand. Jim smiled a bit at him “welcome back.” 

 

“I did not leave.” Spock said “not physically.” He slid out of his meditating position and moved forward so he was next to Jim on the bed. The blonde slid his hand under his until their fingers met in a kiss- a physical touch to call his mind back to his body- before he pulled his hand away. 

 

“As I was saying before someone interrupted me- how did you two meet? I wanna know if we met differently.” 

 

“We met when I was beamed aboard the enterprise.” Kirk said. “I was being named captain because Pike was stepping down. Spock had served as first officer for years, and he came with the ship.” 

 

“Were you close with Chris?” Jim asked. Kirk shrugged “we’d talked. I still have a lot of respect for him.” “He was the closest thing I had to a dad.” Jim mumbled, and Jim’s Spock put a hand on his wrist.

 

“Wait-” Jim suddenly sat up straighter “so you  _ didn’t  _ cheat on the kobayashi maru?” Kirk blinked “you too? Yeah, I hacked it. Got a commendation for my creative thinking.” 

 

Jim turned his head so he was half glaring at the Spock next to him “a  _ commendation  _ huh? I had to save the planet to get one of those.” Jim said, tone very dry. Spock kept his gaze locked on the wall opposite him “you cheated and broke regulation, I had to report you-” 

 

“Wait wait wait.” Kirk interrupted. “I'm intrigued now. How did you two meet?” 

 

“I was in the academy, and he programmed my kobayashi maru exam. When I cheated he  _ court-martialed  _ me and I nearly got expelled. But just when they were about to give me my punishment, the call for everyone to get to Vulcan came. Bones kinda smuggled me aboard the  _ Enterprise _ where Spock was assigned to serve under Chris- who by the way, dared my punk ass to join starfleet- and together we stopped the bad guy from destroying the earth the same way he destroyed Vulcan.” Jim said “there's other stuff too- him abandoning me on delta vega, me making him emotionally compromised and letting him beat the snot out of me… No offense but you were a jerk.” Jim said, looking at his Spock, who had a mildly sheepish look on his face at this point. 

 

“You do sound like a brat.” Kirk commented, and Spock’s ears flushed green. Both the captain's grinned a little at that. “But don't worry, your cute.” Kirk said, and that made Spock’s cheeks turn a light green. Kirk had to chuckle. He elbowed his Spock “and you say Vulcans don't blush.” 

 

His Spock raised an eyebrow at him in what was the Vulcan equivalent of rolling his eyes. He said nothing, 

 

“Since then, however” younger Spock said, cheeks still green tinted. “We have become a very efficient command team.” Jim grinned and kissed his first officer on the cheek “just a good command team?” He teased. 

 

Kirk almost laughed at the  _ scandalized  _ look the young Vulcan got on his face “ _ Jim _ .” He said. Jim smirked “what? They know! It's not like we’re on the bridge.” Young Spock sighed and shook his head. 

 

“Let me guess- damn starfleet regulation?” Kirk said. 

 

“Yeah.” Jim agreed “basically. That fraternization rule is bullshit. Why does it matter if I wanna date my first officer?”

 

“The regulation is in place to keep missions fair.” The older Spock said, raising a brow “and keep the captain unbiased.” “I'm completely unbiased!” Kirk protested “If I play favorites it's because you deserve it.” He huffed, making Spock sigh.

 

“So if dad died… What about mom?” Kirk asked. 

 

Jim looked down so he was looking at his knees “... Mom wasn't okay. Still isn’t as far as I know.” He sighed slightly “she… I look like him, apparently. She couldn't deal. She took a lot of missions and when she was home she wasn't really…” He grimaced “... _ home _ . You know?” He gestured to his head, glancing up at Kirk and Spock. Kirk nodded, swallowing thickly. 

 

“But it wasn't so bad. Not when I was little. Sam took care of me. I was always really smart but… I was lonely as shit. No one wanted to be friends with the kid with the mommy issues.” Jim shrugged “but I survived and then…” He wrapped his arms around himself “and then Mom married Frank.” 

 

Kirk raised a brow “who?”

 

“Frank. My step dad. Who rather enjoyed smacking me around.” Jim kept his eyes locked on the bed, but he felt the tension when he admitted it. “Sam ran off- I don't know where he is now. But it didn't get better.” Jim shuddered slightly “let's just say there was a stunt involving the beastie boys and frank’s car and a cliff that got me sent to…” He faltered. 

 

“Taurus.” Kirk said, voice grim. Jim nodded only once. “I… We don't need to talk about that.” Jim said, voice pleading slightly. Kirk nodded, and Jim was grateful. 

 

Spock’s hand curled over his shoulder, calming his shudders. Jim leaned into his t’hy’la’s touch, sighing. “I'm okay.” Jim said “I'm okay. Really.” He looked over at Spock with a smile “I promise.” 

 

Spock didn't look convinced, and Jim rolled his eyes. “I am. You can feel my emotions you know I am.” 

 

“You share a mental bond?” Older Spock said, and younger Spock turned “yes.” He said “do you not?” 

 

Jim blinked at Kirk’s sheepish look, especially how it was paired with the blank look Spock took on. “No.” Spock said, voice portraying no emotion. “We wished to… Wait.” Kirk said, nodding. 

 

Spock- Jim’s Spock- nodded slightly “there were… Certain events that happened. I did not wish to wait. We bonded several months ago.” Older Spock nodded “I will not question.” He didn't say ‘I would if he wanted to’ but that's what Kirk heard, and a lump formed in his throat. 

 

Jim's Spock nodded again “T’pring died in the destruction of Vulcan. I did not wish for my father to pick another for my… Time.” He flushed slightly, and both Spock and Kirk stiffened and nodded. “Of course.” Older Spock said, and Jim’s Spock looked grateful he didn't have to explain. 

 

“Wait a minute.” Jim said “I've heard this excuse but I never know what he means. What does he mean?” He asked. “You’ll find out.” Kirk said “and believe me- it’ll supposedly be worth it.” 

 

The two Spock's flushed varying shades of green. 

 

* * *

 

_???? _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ It's storming when it happens.  _

 

_ Jim doesn't even remember what they were fighting about. It was something stupid most likely- he wished he could remember what was so damn important.  _

 

_ “- don't even care at all! How could you?! You're a Vulcan, you don't have emotions!”  _

 

_ “You know perfectly well I have emotions, Jim.” Spock’s tone had been cool, but Jim hadn't noticed until he looked back on it later that his eyes were soft and hurt, and the emotions coming through their bond (which he had ignored) were pleading  _

 

_ “No you don't! It took you thinking you had killed me for me to even see you smile you fucking emotionless twat!” Jim was never prone to cursing- but oh, how he could when he got mad. _

 

_ Spock took a step closer. “Jim. I was relieved that you were alive.”  _

 

_ “Don't get closer to me- you clearly don't care about my life or my feelings! Damnit Spock how could you care- you don't care about anything!”  _

 

_ Spock looked… Hurt. He hadn't realized it at the time, but that was hurt in his eyes. “You are wrong.”  _

 

_ “How so?” Jim had snarled  _

 

_ “I care about you.”  _

 

_ Jim had  _ laughed. 

 

_ “No you don't. Vulcans can't lie? What bullshit. You're lying to yourself.”  _

 

“ _ Ashaya, please I-”  _

 

_ “Don't fucking call me that!” Jim had snapped “God how can you be so calm about this!”  _

 

_ “An… An emotional response is illogical in this situation, it will only rile you further-”  _

 

_ “Is that all this is Spock? Me being an over emotional human? Is that all you can say?!”  _

 

_ Spock had reached for him, an attempt to calm him most likely.  _

 

_ Jim had smacked his hand hard enough that he dislocated one of Spock’s fingers.  _

 

_ That alone should have been enough- the nerve endings in Spock’s hands made that feel like he had just been shot.  _

 

_ But it was what Jim screamed next that ruined everything.  _

 

_ “Just get out you stupid half-breed!” _

 

_ The look on Spock’s face would make him sick later on. But at that moment all Jim could feel was the feeling of the bond being slammed closed. Any hint of emotion dropped off his face- including the betrayal.  _

 

_ “Very well, admiral.” Spock had said, voice monotone. “If it is an emotionless Vulcan you want, it is what you shall have.”  _

 

_ And then, he had left.  _

 

Jim sat up like a bolt, flailing in his bed. His throat hurt- he had been screaming. 

 

He whimpered when he realized his head was pounding, and wished his t’hy’la was there to help him. 

 

_ He saw Spock again 3 years later- only to find out that his sweet, loving, beautiful t’hy’la had taken his words to heart. He’d attempted to actually get rid of all his emotions, and Jim remembered very accurately the punching bag he had destroyed in anger with himself that day.  _

 

_ They would be okay, of course. Spock had accepted Jim’s apology when Jim finally got his shit together and gave one (Jim didn't think he should have) and then they’d had the bond reformed-  _

 

And suddenly, the memories changed. 

 

His line of thought stopped dead in his tracks and the memories he’d just been thinking on were gone, replaced with normal thoughts-  _ Spock and him were co-workers and friends. Nothing more _ . 

 

Right? 

 

…  _ No _

 

The word  _ t’hy’la  _ echoed in his head, and Jim knew what it meant. 

 

If he thinks hard enough, he can just recall that Jim and Spock had been fighting over paying bills- Spock had asked why humans thought it logical to ask such personal questions about marriage on their insurance forms, and to Jim it had implied that he thought human marriage was invalid. 

  
Jim curled in on himself and sobbed aloud. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim’s literally having trouble in paradise. Also the Yimenzis are completely made up. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also- yes, Kirk does care very deeply for his Spock. Very very deeply. He has a few issues with commitment that I’ll touch on later. 
> 
> see ya tomorrow (or later today, I honestly dunno if I can stop myself)


	4. Returning of Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some things get explained and thought about, and an admiral realizes something is wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't. sorry.
> 
> There's some sexual content in the second set of italics later. skip if you don't like. 
> 
> dedicated to all the potheads in the world ya'll are okay i promise

_ The Enterprise, Alternate  _

 

_ ~ _

 

The two versions of the same command team talked for maybe another hour before Spock and Kirk became tired and went across the bathroom to Spock’s quarters to rest. 

 

Jim sighed and flopped back on the bed after they left, stretching like a contented cat. 

 

“Are you alright?” Spock asks, eyes flickering in concern. 

 

“I can talk about Frank without crying now. The way I see it, if I don't let him affect me, I'm beating him.” Jim said, gazing up at Spock with fondness. 

 

Spock took his hand, pressing their fingers together. 

 

_ ‘I am proud of you.’  _ Spock thought, along with feelings of deep adoration. It made Jim smile.

 

“Mm… Are  _ you _ okay? You went deep into that meditation.” Jim said

 

“It is the first time I had to explain what happened.” Spock said “it is logical that I would become emotionally compromised, although I would be scorned for my weakness if I were on new vulcan.” 

 

“That's some serious bullshit.” Jim said, sitting up. “Really, it is. You lost your home, your mom. You're gonna have emotions about that.” 

 

Spock sighed and nodded, not meeting Jim’s eyes. Jim squeezed his hand. 

 

“So what do you make of old us?” Jim asked. “They are much more different from us than I would have thought.” Spock commented. “The change in history no doubt.” Jim let out a little hum of agreement. “Yeah, growing up with my dad would defiantly change my perspective on a few things. Change my relationship with my family too.” 

 

“Indeed.” Spock said “I am surprised they do not share a t’hy’la bond yet.” 

 

“That is weird.” Jim agreed “the ambassador always made it seem like he and his Jim had this perfect relationship.” “Perfection does not exist Jim.”  Spock said, giving him a look.

 

“Oh really?” 

 

“Indeed.” Spock said again. “Perfection is different to everyone, and it is statistically impossible to go by the definition of perfect, which is to never be wrong. Everyone errors, and no one is perfect.”

 

“You’re perfect.” 

 

“Hardly.”

 

“We’re perfect.”

 

Spock reached over and twined their fingers together again. Jim pulled him close and tugged on his shirt to make his intentions clear. Spock pulled it off. 

 

As he leaned in for a kiss, he muttered ”I would admit that together, we have the possibility to come relatively close.” 

 

* * *

 

_???? _

_ ~ _

 

Jim’s migraine still refused  _ adamantly _ to go away. 

 

He kept falling into these  _ memories _ that made no sense. Sometimes he would think about Spock, and his head would hurt because his brain was telling him Spock was his first officer, but his memories were saying he was  _ more so so much more _ . 

 

Internally fighting with himself was really quite annoying. 

 

So, he figured he would do what he had always done when confused- look for answers. 

 

He figured he may as well call Spock- whatever they had been, they had served together. Certainly Spock wouldn't mind hearing from him. 

 

He looked through his house- his whole house. 

 

He realized for the first time that he didn't have a phone. Or a computer. Or anything that he could use to make a long distance call. 

 

_ The hell?  _

 

He was sure he’d had one. He remembered having one. He had used it to- 

 

_ Spock had been away for 5 freaking months. If starfleet didn't return his husband soon, Jim was going to steal another ship and go after him (again). _

 

_ Jim had gone to Iowa when the school year had finished at the academy. He and Spock kept the house there and their apartment in San Francisco.  _

 

_ Being out of the city was nice. Not having Spock since February wasn't.  _

 

_ Jim sighed and flopped back on the couch again. He’d been keeping himself busy by giving the house some much-needed TLC- until he’d broken his hand with a hammer 2 days ago _

 

_ His doctor had said no housework for 3 weeks. Jim was already losing his mind.  _

 

_ He’d reread a few of his books, but he spent most of his time meditating the way Spock had shown him. He was trying to contact Spock, of course. The bond was strained from their distance- he could feel Spock was alive and the occasional emotion from it. But when he meditated, he could talk to him a little. _

 

_ In theory anyway, it hadn’t worked yet.  _

 

_ He was finally getting into the meditation when-  _

 

_ The phone rang.  _

 

_ Jim made an annoyed little noise, but stood anyway. He padded into the kitchen, pausing only for a moment to glance at the picture of him and Spock he had hanging on the wall. It was a candid shot, Spock was crouched over some plant and Jim was next to him. They were both in uniform, on some mission somewhere. Bones snapped it and sent it to him a few years ago with the tag “remember the good days?”  _

 

_ Oh yes, Jim did.  _

 

_ With a sigh, he went into the kitchen to pick up the phone. _

 

_ “Hello?” _

 

_ “Jim?”  _

 

_ Jim nearly dropped the phone _

 

_ “Spock! What on earth? You said you can't call me while you're on another planet!”  _

 

_ “I am no longer on another planet Jim.”  _

 

_ Jim actually squealed.  _

 

_ “... Jim are you alright? You have not been consuming mass amounts of alcohol?” _

 

_ “Shut up! Where are you?”  _

 

_ “Would you rather me shut up or answer your question?”  _

 

_ “Spock-!” _

 

_ “I am waiting to board a transport home. I will arrive in approximately 2.455 hours.”  _

 

_ “Perfect! A meal will be waiting.”  _

 

_ “Please do not trouble yourself-” _

 

_ “This time I mean it when I say shut up. And get your little Vulcan butt home! I missed my husband!”  _

 

_ “As you wish, ashayam.”  _

 

_ Jim grabbed his keys and rushed to go to the store, already compiling a list of what he would need to do- get the groceries, make dinner, clean the house, change the sheets, open the windows- it was the perfect night for dinner on the porch! _

 

_ It took Spock 2 and a half hours on the nose to get home. Jim had been finishing the dusting when he heard the transport pull up.  _

 

_ The door had opened, and Jim had dropped his rag and ran.  _

 

_ Spock was taking off his shoes in the doorway the first time Jim saw him in five months. He’d lost at least 4 pounds, and he looked unhealthily thin.  _

 

_ “What happened to taking care of yourself?” Jim asked, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest.  _

 

_ Spock’s head whipped up and Jim got the satisfaction of giving him a smug look when he looked sheepish. And then, Spock’s sheepish look became his sassy one, and he put his hands on his hips. “I could ask the same of you, captain.” He said, looking pointedly at the splint on Jim’s hand.  _

 

_ Whoops.  _

 

_ Jim rolled his eyes a little at the look and the rank. “I'm not a captain anymore. Now come here.”  _

 

_ Spock crossed the room in 3 long strides and pulled Jim close to him, burying his nose in the area behind Jim’s ear. He still had a good number of inches on Jim, that jerk.  _

 

_ But at the moment, Jim didn't care. He wrapped his arms around Spock’s middle, pressing his fingers into Spock’s spine. The bond was singing in Jim’s mind.  _

 

_ “You're so thin love…”  _

 

_ “The people on Mayrar VII are cannibalistic. I refused to go against my philosophies and eat meat- much less one of them- so I ate what I could get. It was… Not necessarily sufficient.”  _

 

_ “Spock…” _

 

_ “I am fine. I am mostly uninjured. They were a violent society but they wished to impress me, so I was not attacked.”  _

 

_ “Your home now. I love you. I broke my hand trying to fix the house.”  _

 

_ Spock made a little noise of discontent “I love you as well.” He said, pulling back just enough to cup the injured hand and kiss it.  _

 

_ Jim smiled.  _

 

_ He loved this man, so much.  _

 

Jim was crying again. God if that was real he had been so  _ happy _ . His life in these memories seemed perfect. 

 

He thought back to the memory he’d had last night and cringed. Not perfect. But damn close. 

 

Now that he thought about it, he didn't have the car either. He couldn't even think of when he went to the store last, and yet his kitchen was full of food. 

 

When had he last left the house? When had he last seen anyone? He kept meaning to invite Antonia over again- when had she even come over last? He knew what she looked like, had distinct memories of eating with her and dating her and making love to her- 

 

_ The room is warm, their room is always warm. Spock has been home for three hours now- they’ve eaten and talked and cuddled and showered.  _

 

_ And now, Spock is sucking his dick. Dear god 5 months and his hand could never replace Spock’s mouth, his tounge, his throat.  _

 

_ Jim let out another groan, hand in his husband’s hair. They were still naked from the shower, and Jim could see all of Spock’s ribs.  _

 

_ His Vulcan was still so beautiful. _

 

_ Their lovemaking was never rushed like it was when they were younger. It was slower, hotter, wonderful.  _

 

_ He reached down to pull Spock away from his cock, tugging him up for a kiss.  _

 

_ Spock responded animatedly, making little noises of content as Jim pulled him into his lap.  _

 

_ “Spock…” Jim muttered breathlessly once they pulled apart. “What do you want?”  _

 

_ “You.” Spock said _

 

_ “Something you don't already have?” _

 

_ “You in me.”  _

 

Jim gasped and bit down on his lip as memory Spock said that. 

 

He would never… He never thought…

 

He’d be lying if he said he never imagined what Spock was like in bed when they had served together. He was pretty damn bisexual after all. 

 

But  _ God. _ He thought back on making love to Antonia, of her gazing up at him. 

 

The look on her eyes paled in comparison to memory Spock’s. Antonia’s had love, yes- Spock’s had more. Love. Adoration, devotion, lust, joy, peace, wholeness. 

 

He’d looked at him like Jim was his whole world. 

 

Jim have up on his search for the phone and sat on the floor in the living room. 

 

Maybe that meditation thingy would help. 

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate  _

 

~

 

Kirk groaned and flopped back on the bed, mentally exhausted. 

 

He felt more than heard Spock settle on the mattress next to his head. He definetly felt the fingers that started carding through his hair gently. 

 

Kirk opened his eyes after a few blissful minutes. Spock was leaning back against the wall, apparently thinking deeply. He kept running his fingers through Kirk’s hair. It was warm in Spock’s room, and the decorations were very traditional Vulcan.

 

“... Jesus.” Jim said softly “this kid lost his whole planet.” 

 

Spock nodded slightly. “I have been thinking about it.” He said softly “I cannot imagine. Not at such an age.” 

 

“You’d have trouble at your current age too.” 

 

“Indeed.” Spock admitted after a minute. “I imagine it would be a very difficult event.” 

 

“It's your whole planet. Your mom.” Jim looked up at him “Spock. I've seen you interact with her.” 

 

“My planet scorned me.” Spock said “most Vulcans hated me. And yet it is still a place I think of often. To think that it is gone is… Strange.” 

 

Kirk shook his head and sat up to kiss his cheek. “Stubborn.” 

 

“Indeed.” 

 

“He was different from you.” Kirk said “he showed more emotion in his face instead of only in his eyes like you do.” 

 

“Less training, he is younger than me.” Spock said “and as stated… An extreme loss.”

 

“Not to mention a t’hy’la bond.” Kirk whispered the words, staring off at the wall- a shelf was against the wall they were facing. On it were a few books, a few Vulcan things- and one photograph. A young Spock sitting with his father and mother. His mother was smiling, clearly having snuck the picture. Sarek was asleep, and Spock was sitting next to him, looking up at him with a questioning look and one hand raised as if to poke him. 

 

One candle was on either side of the photograph, a memorial. 

 

“Jim.” Spock said softly “there is no need to push yourself.” 

 

“You want it though.” Jim said. “I know you do.” 

 

“We have discussed this previously.” Spock said “I will wait until you beleive yourself to be ready.” 

 

Jim sighed and nuzzled his face into Spock’s shoulder. “I feel like a crappy boyfriend.” 

 

“Incorrect.” Spock said. 

 

“ _ How _ ? I know how important this is to you.” 

 

“James. You are a wonderful captain, and a wonderful boyfriend.” Spock said. Jim knew he was sincere. He knew he was.

 

_ But still _ .

 

“...” Kirk sighed, twining Spock’s fingers with his. “Hey Spock?” 

 

Spock looked at him questioningly, and Kirk sat up to press his mouth to his. He tried to project his thoughts as loud as he could so there was no doubt to his intentions. 

 

Spock pulled away from the kiss to press his lips to Jim’s jaw, hands slipping to the hem of his shirt. The blonde tilted his head to one side, reaching around Spock to pull his shirt up and over his head. They pulled apart so Spock could fold it and put it on the table, along with his undershirt. 

 

“ _ Taluhk Nash-Veh K’dular.”  _ Spock said softly, coming back over. 

 

“I love you too.” Kirk replied as they kissed again. 

 

He truly meant it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i dunno if I'll upload the 5th chapter today I might honestly cause that's when ALL THE THINGS start happening.


	5. The Stars arrive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the crew arrives at the colony, spock proves his loyalty, the admiral figures out where he is, and the ambassador gets something nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I COULDN'T STOP MYSELF *flails* ugh this is where it really gets rolling and UGH I HAD TO OKAY
> 
> (also im sorry for what I kinda sorta imply at one point in this chapter)
> 
> *pant pant* dedicated to jean-luc picard for TRYING to save jimmy even though hes an idiot who died under a bridge (how unworthy)

_???? _

 

~

 

Jim spends the next several days sorting through his thoughts. The meditation surprisingly helps more than he thought it would

 

His head pounds constantly, but the harder he thinks, the easier it is to ignore. 

 

He realizes he doesn't have a car, a computer, a phone, anyway of veiwing the outside world. Each time he tries to walk down his road, he always ends up right back on his front steps. 

 

He looks for photos, things that make the house personal, his. 

 

He can't find one destinctive thing that claims the house as his. No photos of him, none of his awards from starfleet, none of his books. 

 

Not a single thing makes this house  _ home _ . 

 

He fights his memories every day- they keep trying to correct themselves, convince him that this is  _ his house _ . That he  _ loved antonia _ . That Spock was  _ his subordinate _ and not  _ his t’hy’la _ . 

 

The more he thinks about Spock, the more he remembers, the more he  _ wants _ to remember.

 

Sometimes, memories are weeks. He remembers Spock’s death at khan’s hands in a new light, and it makes him cry. 

 

Sometimes their tiny glimpses. Little moments- Spock bringing him food, Spock beneath him, Spock above him, Spock meditating, dancing with Spock, sleeping with him, playing chess with him- 

 

All of them make him want to fight like hell for that life. 

 

Spock is worth it. He’s sure of that now, as he remembers more and more. 

 

He still has big gaps-  _ where the hell was he and how did he get here _ , for example. But for now, it was enough motivation. 

 

And then, Antonia shows up. 

 

The sight of her gives him a feeling similar to his skull splitting, and he has to remember that she isn't real. 

 

She comes in, starts to cook for him. He realizes she isn't even all that pretty- it was her eyes that drew him in. They were Spock’s eyes. He knew that now.

 

The food she served him was tasteless, he wasn't even hungry. (When was the last time he’d actually been hungry?)

 

When she tried to kiss him, he stopped her. He asked her to leave. 

 

The look she gets breaks his heart. She asks if she did something wrong- he says no. 

 

She slaps him, and Jim spins into unconsciousness. 

 

_ Jim is chopping wood when it happens. A bald man walks onto his farm. _

 

_ He says his name is Picard.  _

 

_ Picard breaks him out, explains where he's been-  _

 

_ The nexus, he calls it. An energy ribbon. He was sent in there when his hull was breached on his way home from his tour on the Enterprise-B- a publicity tour really, to show off the new ship. And what better guest of honor than the famous Captain Kirk?- Spock is still the ambassador, Jim’s been in the nexus for 7 years.  _

 

_ He tries to call Spock, and is near devastated when he finds out that the caller is down. No one can give him any info on Spock and where he is or what he’s doing.  _

 

_ The moment Jim came back into the universe the broken bond in his head ached for its mate. He wanted Spock.  _

 

_ And then, he had died.  _

 

_ The bridge had crushed him, and he was told that he saved hundreds- thousands even.  _

 

_ He didn't care honestly, he just wanted Spock.  _

 

_ As he died, he caught a glimpse- he saw his brother, Peter, David, his mom (she’d died of old age not too long ago- his dad missed her.)- _

 

_ And then, he was pulled away. He was pulled into the nexus, his memories changed completely. He didn't have Spock, Spock was just his first officer, Spock was an emotionless Vulcan, they were friends, Bones was with Uhura and Scotty, although he ran a small private practice in Georgia, Sulu and Chekov were happily married in San Francisco, Uhura was stationed on another planet with Scotty and Bones  _

 

_ He was in love with Antonia. He was perfectly happy.  _

 

Jim woke up with a start, his head pounding. 

 

_ The nexus _ . 

 

He was in the nexus. 

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

The  _ Enterprise _ picked up its strange new passengers 3 days ago, and they were finally arriving at New Vulcan. 

 

Jim sighed as he looked around the bridge. He’d given the alternate bridge crew regular access, as long as they didn't hurt anyone. Uhura and Nyota had become rather close friends already, and having two Doctor McCoy’s had already seemed to impact on the amount of permanent injuries reported from engineering each day. 

 

Sulu and Pavel had become fast friends, and poor Hikaru had watched from afar silently. Hikaru’s marriage with Ben had been… Strained recently. 

 

(The fact that Hikaru had come back from a recent shore leave on earth with a bruise on his cheekbone had sufficiently worried Jim as well.) 

 

Anyone with a brain knew that Pavel liked Hikaru, and meeting a sulu that loved him was… Interesting to watch. 

 

As for Spock? Well, he reacted to his counterpart the same way he reacted to the ambassador. He treated him with respect and didn't ask for information. It was strange to look over and see two blue shirts hunched over the science station. He’d walked in on the two of them meditating together the other night while Kirk napped, and it had been intriguing to see. 

 

Kirk and him had become friends pretty quickly. Kirk was nice, and they liked to talk about their adventures. 

 

(Plus, Jim had learned a lot about his dad. More than he’d ever known. That was probably one of the best parts) 

 

There wasn’t a dock on new Vulcan- they’d have to beam down. They’d be staying at Ambassador Selek’s (as old Spock was going by now) house. 

 

Honestly, he thought the old Vulcan could use the company. 

 

Sometimes he still found himself thinking on the ambassador’s memories. He didn't have  _ all  _ of them- just a few brief flashes of things here and there. Kirk smiling up at him on the bridge, holding his hand while walking, some funeral that Kirk is at and crying and talking about souls (Scotty is playing the bagpipes), looking at Kirk but in a strange new way- 

 

Getting shot through a black hole, having any connections he had left snap in his head. Knowing he’ll never even see his world again. 

 

Jim had been in the head of two Spocks now, and he  _ still  _ couldn't imagine losing your whole world. 

 

“Captain.” He was pulled out of his thoughts by Hikaru, and blinked when he was. “Yeah?” 

 

“We’re orbiting sir. And we have permission from New Vulcan to beam down.” 

 

Jim nodded. “Very good Mr. Sulu.” 

 

Scotty walks onto the bridge, followed by Bones. “Cap’n?” Scotty says. “You have the conn while we're planetside Mr. Scott.” Jim says, standing. “Bones, Hikaru, Nyota, you're with me and the landing party.” He said. 

 

Bones nodded, and then stood on his toes to kiss Scotty on the cheek before walking out with the others.  _ Cute _ . Jim grinned as he watched. They were really quite adorable. 

 

Jim stood, watching the group leave. “... Chekov.” He said when Hikaru reached the door “you come too.” He decided. 

 

Pavel blinked, and then nodded, an excited little smile settling on his face. He stood from his seat and ran over to Hikaru to follow him out. 

 

Jim watched for a moment, then stood. Bones was waiting for him, and the others would meet them in the transporter room. “Take good care of her Mr. Scott.” Jim said as Scotty sat down. The engineer nodded “Aye sir. I’d never do anything less.” He said, grinning at Jim, who nodded. 

 

He went over to the turbolift where Bones had stopped to wait for him, and took one last glance over his bridge before signing and stepping in. 

 

The ride to the transporter deck didn't take long. And both Spock’s were bent over the transporter, fiddling with the knobs. Jim didn't sigh, but he watched fondly for a moment at the way the two interacted. They barely talked, seemingly trusting that their thought processes would follow the same pattern. It was weird though- having two Spock's that looked rather alike if you weren't paying attention.

 

(Yesterday, Kirk and Jim had returned to quarters to find them sitting across from one another, knees touching as they meditated in perfect mirrored positions. It was the strangest and most intriguing thing Jim had seen in a very long time.) 

 

“Captain?” Spock- his Spock- was looking at him expectantly, and he realized that the others had filed onto the transporter pad. “We’re ready.” 

 

“Good.” Jim nodded, taking his place. Spock took the final spot. A redshirt looked up expectantly at them, and Jim folded his hands behind his back 

 

“Energize.” 

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~  _

 

The feeling of your molecules reforming was the same, even in this strange and shiny new universe. 

 

And by the same, Kirk meant stomach turning.

 

When they materialized on the surface, the first thing Kirk noticed was the first thing he always noticed about Vulcan- the heat. There was no humidity on regular Vulcan, but the heat was unrelenting. Here however, there was indeed humidity. And it was still hot, but it was less than Vulcan heat.

 

Kirk frowned. The air didn't feel like  _ Vulcan _ at all. And that was just depressing. he glanced over at the two Spock’s-their faces were neutral but he could  _ see  _ the disappointment in their eyes. The younger this-universe Spock even had the tiniest twitch in his lip and brow. 

 

Kirk decided that after they got back to their universe, he was going to go on shore leave to Vulcan. With Spock. Visit Amanda maybe. Spock’s mother loved him, and her son. Sarek and Spock… Well. He hoped Spock would work with his father. They seemed to be talking more since the Babel mission but… it was hardly a healthy father son relationship from Kirk’s point of view- even for a Vulcan. 

 

A young Vulcan- maybe 18- came over and walked up to this universe's Spock. There was quiet conversation in Vulcan, and then a signature on a PADD and then the young Vulcan stepped back and held up the ta’al “Crew of the  _ Enterprise  _ and honored guests, welcome to new Vulcan. Live long and prosper.” 

 

Various replies of “peace and long life” and the ta’al were given, and the young Vulcan walked away. 

 

“What was with the signature?” This universe’s Jim asked, and the young Spock turned slightly “it was simply a precautionary form stating that I, as a Vulcan citizen, am responsible for my guests and their actions. Doctors, they will need to check your medical bags.” Spock said.

 

Bones sighed, and McCoy straightened with a frown “what do they think we have in here?” 

 

“It is a precaution, and a logical one.” Spock said, looking away “although, I admit, slightly unnecessary. I can vouch for your lack of ill intent, however can you truly blame my people for being weary?” He finished, tilting his head and cocking a brow in what may as well have been a Vulcan shrug. 

 

Another Vulcan with a scanner came over, and the younger doctor handed over his bag before McCoy sighed and handed his over as well. The Vulcan quickly scanned and opened the bags to look inside them before closing them again, returning them, and walking away. 

 

“The ambassador is at the Vulcan Science Academy today. We will walk there.” Young spock said next, turning to walk towards the exit with Kirk’s Spock following. 

 

Jim frowned and ran over to grab his Spock’s shirt “wait a minute- you haven't been to the colony before, right?” He asked. 

 

Spock blinked, then nodded.

 

“So how do you know where the academy is? Did someone tell you?” 

 

Spock’s neutral face faltered.

 

Kirk felt his heart break a little at the realization on Spock’s face. He  _ didn’t  _ know where it was. He had began walking to where it  _ had been  _ in relation to the spaceport. He had no way of knowing where it was now. 

 

Kirk saw his own Spock stiffen slightly, and even take a step backwards, blinking at the realization of his own error. Kirk wanted to go to him, comfort him and kiss him and tell him  _ it's not our Vulcan _ . 

 

Suddenly, he wished for a direct feed into Spock’s brain. It would have been incredibly useful. He bit his lip hard, this wasn't the time to think about that Kirk. 

 

“I… I apologize for my brief confusion.” Young Spock said, shaking his head slightly “I assumed-” he cut himself off, confirming everyone's suspicions. “I will go ask for directions.” He said quickly, and strode away before he could look at the face of his bondmate or crewmembers. 

 

Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair, turning back to gaze at the older Kirk. “Don't tell him this.” He said “but I'm  _ so  _ tempted to give you the bastard’s name. To save everyone all this heartbreak.” He sighed and looked after his mate with such concern in this blue eyes. 

 

Kirk sighed. Maybe it was because he knew about their relationship, but if his “worried about Spock” expression looked anything like the kid’s it was a miracle his whole crew didn't know that he and Spock were dating. 

 

“Sadly.” Spock- his Spock- said “you revealing that information would undoubtedly affect everything. It may even hurt people more. Not to mention break multiple starfleet regulations in both our universes.” 

 

Young Spock came back over, his cheeks tinted a slight green. He nodded once at the group he had brought, and began walking. They all followed this time. 

 

Kirk had only been to ShiKahr a few times, but each time he remembered thinking that the architecture was amazing and that the whole city was beautiful, and that if someone could look at it and actually think Vulcans were emotionless, they were insane. 

 

As he looked around the colony, he almost sighed. 

 

The city was beautiful, and the architecture was exquisite. They’d done very well for themselves. But it wasn't  _ Vulcan _ . There was no feeling of history, there were no complex carvings or statues. There wasn’t millennia of history in these streets. It felt wrong. 

 

He was walking next to his Spock, and when he glanced at him, he could see Spock felt the same way. 

 

The younger Spock led them through the streets, occasionally pausing to nod at someone, or return a greeting. A few people stopped him to ask a question. Several people scowled at them. Or gave them strange looks. Eventually they came to a large stone building with the IDIC symbol carved above the door. 

 

“So.” Bones said “this is the school you got disowned for not going to?” 

 

Jim shot him a glare, but young Spock simply looked at him “it is a copy of it. The architecture is the same. Also, I was not formally disowned. My father was simply… Unhappy with my denial of the VSA’s acceptance.” 

 

As if on cue, an old Vulcan in a dark green robe suddenly came up to him “Commander Spock.” He said, holding up the ta’al. 

 

“Elder Seron.” Spock greeted, voice monotone. 

 

“I assume you are here on starfleet business?”

 

“We need to speak with ambassador selek.” Spock replied. 

 

“He is in his lab.” The elder said “Are these humans you brought with you members of your crew?”

 

“Affirmative.” 

 

“I see.” The elder looked at Spock “you are aware that the academy still holds you in a high regard?” 

 

Spock tilted his head ever so slightly “I was not aware of that.”

 

“You saved several elders. It is a shame about your mother. I grieve with thee.” 

 

Spock nodded in acknowledgement of the grievance. “I simply did the logical thing to save several vital members of the Vulcan council.”

 

“Perhaps the council could look over your applications and test scores again.” The elder said “you would likely still qualify.”

 

“You are suggesting I attempt to enter the academy again?” Spock asked, his eyes irritated ever so slightly, and his hands behind his back. 

 

“It would be logical, would it not? To stay on our planet and help with the rebuilding.”

 

Kirk’s eyes widened at the fact that this Vulcan was  _ guilt tripping  _ the younger version of his first officer, and he saw Jim clench his jaw. The other crew members shifted uncomfortably, especially when they noticed the guilt that entered Spock’s gaze 

 

“I suppose.” Spock agreed after a moment “however, you forget something elder.”

 

“What would that be?”

 

“The last time you offered me a place at the academy, you made a point of pointing out my disadvantages- my human blood, elder. Are you attempting to claim that it suddenly is not a factor when it was before?” 

 

The elder’s eyes widened at Spock’s disrespectful words, and a muscle jumped in his jaw. “I do not imply-” 

 

“In addition, I am in starfleet. I have no intention of leaving.” 

 

“You have grown quite disrespectful Spock.” The elder said. “Perhaps you have become too human for the academy after all.” 

 

Spock blinked “I had assumed that by pointing out my “disadvantage” as you distastefully my called my heritage at the hearing, I was already too human for the academy elder. Hence why I did not accept.” He said, his eyes perfectly innocent. 

 

The elder’s eyes flashed- he was angry. “ _ Ulef-ha’kiv! _ ” He snapped, turning on his heel and walking away. Kirk’s eyes widened.  _ Half life _ , he had called Spock. Geez...

 

“Live long and prosper, elder.” Spock muttered after him, looking away from him to start walking again. 

 

There were some awkward and shocked glances between everyone before they started following. 

 

As he passed Jim, he heard Nyota whispering to him. 

 

“Am I the only one who wants to punch him in his fat face?” Jim growled. “No captain.” Nyota replied, with barely concealed fury. “I’ll turn around so I can't see.” Jim said.

 

“Captain. Nyota.” Spock called over his shoulder. “I can hear you. And it is likely others can as well.” 

 

“Permission to speak freely captain?” Hikaru asked. “Granted.” Jim said “He  _ deserves  _ a good punch.” 

 

“Mr. Sulu I repeat- the elder can likely still hear you- and Mr. Chekov I highly suggest you do not say whatever you were about to say.” Spock said without looking back. Chekov huffed and closed his mouth.

 

Sulu glanced at Kirk, and then their Spock. “Sir, may I ask-” “yes, the elders did accept me into the academy and I did say no. Yes, a similar conversation likely would happen in our universe Mr. Sulu. Please refrain from asking any more questions into my personal affairs.” Spock said, glancing at their helmsman, who nodded slightly. 

 

Kirk sighed and glanced at his Spock. He knew of the way his people had treated him when he was younger, but seeing it always made his blood boil. 

 

As they walked through the academy, several people stared at Spock, and even more stared at the group of outsiders he had with him. Several looked at the young Vulcan with disgust. And yet, several Vulcans who were younger than he was looked at him with slight wonder, or respect. 

 

Kirk remembered what the elder had said about Spock saving some people during the destruction. He wondered what that was about. 

 

Eventually, he stopped outside a door, and he knocked. A muddled  _ Come!  _ Came from inside, and Spock opened the door. 

 

The lab was medium sized, with several tables and machinery. And yet, only one person was in it, bent over a table. It had a large window. 

 

The person stood up straight, and Jim grinned before brushing past his bondmate to go over to the old Vulcan. “Ambassador.” He said, voice happy.

 

The vulcan actually gave a  _ small smile  _ and held up the ta’al “James. It is a pleasure to see you, my friend.” He turned his head to nod at the young Spock, who nodded and held up the ta’al.

 

And then, The ambassador looked at the crew of the original enterprise. 

 

Kirk’s breath caught in his throat. 

 

He knew who the ambassador was, Spock had mentioned it. But whatever he had been expecting, it wasn't this. The Vulcan was probably one of the oldest Kirk had ever met- with wrinkles and laugh lines and the slightest green tint to his pale skin. His head was fully silver, hair slightly longer than his Spock’s. His eyebrows were severe angles and his ears came to a point on either side of his head. He had shrunken with age, and he was  _ skinny _ . Immensely so. His hands were bony, and the neck that peeked out from his robe had a visible knob of vertebrae. Kirk could see his collarbone peeking out of the robe, covered by a black thermal.

 

But what got Kirk was the eyes. 

 

They were still a milky chocolate brown- but they were sad. They were tired and desolate. They were a man who had lived  _ too many  _ years instead of not enough as some of the people he had met in his life had. They were sunken and just… Exhausted. 

 

But the moment they met Kirk’s, something sparked in them- and the brief flash of emotion made Kirk choke up.

 

“Ah.” Said the elderly Vulcan “I understand now what Miss Uhura meant when she said people I would want to see.” 

 

“S-Spock?” Kirk couldn't  _ not  _ stutter. He was so taken aback by his lover and friend- he understood aging would change him, but this man had clearly been through so much.

 

“Hello Jim.” Spock responded “I understand your confusion, but I must say...” And then he  _ smiled _ again, and Kirk’s heart skipped a beat because even at 100+ years Spock was damn beautiful

 

“it is a pleasure you can not comprehend to see you again, old friend.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will NOT upload chapter 6 I will NOT upload chapter 6 I will NOT UPLOAD CHAPTER 6 I WILL RESIST THE TEMPTATION
> 
> I WILL NOT
> 
> (i might)
> 
> see ya


	6. The Elder Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ambassador and the admiral remember one another dearly, and Jim gains some perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I COULDNT STOP IM (Not) SORRY
> 
> pffft im so happy right now so, honestly. I can do this all day but this is probablyu the last one.
> 
> THIS is one of my fav chapters
> 
> dedicated to all the foodies

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

Saying that seeing the members of his crew-  _ his crew  _ from  _ his enterprise _ \- in their “golden years” (as Jim had once called them) emotionally compromised Spock would be a severe understatement.

 

When the knock had come he hadn't been expecting anyone, and when Jim- this universe's Jim who was his friend and whom he had been one of the soul witnesses at his private formal bonding ceremony to a younger version of himself for- walked in, he’d been pleased.

 

Seeing this universe's  _ Enterprise _ crew made Spock happy, because they reminded him so much of the people he had come to call family. It made him slightly sad too, but he wouldn't show that. Not to anyone. 

 

When he looks away from the younger him, the first person who catches his eye is Hikaru Sulu. 

 

In his universe, he had attended his wedding to Pavel Chekov, he had helped officiate their adoption of Demora, he had attended all of his promotion ceremonies, mourned with him when Chekov died, attended Demora’s wedding and attended his funeral. He had witnessed more of Hikaru Sulu’s life than he had missed because he did not know him. When he saw his version of Hikaru Sulu, he almost gasped in shock. 

 

Immediately, his eyes had swept over the crowd more closely- and he’d found himself.

 

And then he saw Jim. 

 

It was the blonde hair that got him first- James’ had darkened with age to a shade closer to brown than blonde. But at this age, Jim was golden. Golden hair, golden skin, golden uniform. 

 

And his eyes. Beautiful  _ golden  _ eyes that he had not looked at in 81 years. 

 

Inside himself, Spock let out a cry of equal parts sadness and joy. This was  _ his  _ Jim. His Jim who grew up with both his parents. His Jim who cheated on his kobuyashi maru and got a commendation instead of a court martial. His Jim who had beamed aboard the enterprise one day and completely changed Spock’s world. His Jim who had worked his way into Spock’s heart and mind. 

 

His Jim who had been stolen from him too soon. 

 

His Jim who had-

 

_ He remembered the first moment with absolute clarity. He’d been sitting, reading. He was quiet. Jim had been gone 3 weeks on his tour on the enterprise B. He would be back in 9 days. Spock was already planning what he would do- dinner definitely. Pasta? Yes, pasta. He may even give Jim meatballs- he would be back just in time for their anniversary after all. It was a special occasion- he smiled as he thought of his wedding.  _

 

_ Yes, pasta with meatballs for Jim, and homemade garlic bread and salads and wine. He would have to go to the store and get the freshest ingredients, and he’d have to buy wine and flowers and candles. In addition, maybe he could buy Jim a new book? He mentally took inventory of Jim’s collection- perhaps the scarlet letter would intere-  _

 

_ And then it happened.  _

 

_ One moment, Spock was sitting there, planning. The next he could not breathe. _

 

_ His chest hurt his head hurt, everything  _ **_hurt_ ** _. He was gasping for air, shaking.  _

 

_ His PADD slipped from his hands, he fell to the floor.  _

 

_ “Jim- JIM-” _

 

_ The connection snapped just as Spock reached across it.  _

 

_ Spock’s mouth fell open and he screamed.  _

 

Spock shuddered slightly and closed his eyes for a second to suppress the memory of crouching on his living room floor, begging and crying and screaming and cursing and pleading with someone to give him his world back. 

 

James T. Kirk was his everything, and nothing had meaning with him gone. 

 

His eyes next found doctor McCoy- his doctor McCoy who was clean shaven and short and had a passion for colorful and confusing language and mint Juleps. He remembered after Jim had died how the doctor had come over and said “you've been in my head, I know you feel, and I know you're in pain right now.” 

 

Spock hadn’t even bothered to hide his grief. The doctor had come in and Spock had cried. It was the only time he had ever cried in front of anyone other than Jim or his parents. Leonard had become his best friend after Jim died. When Leonard had passed from old age, Spock hadn't been there. And when his girlfriend (Uhura) died and his boyfriend (Scotty) went missing, he raised a glass for him, and attended their funerals as both himself and in Leonard’s stead. 

 

His eyes fell last on Nyota Uhura- the beautiful, strong, unbelievably smart woman he had served alongside years and years ago. He had walked her down the aisle at her wedding to Mr. Scott, and Jim had officiated it. He’d been there when she had died, and sat with Scotty while he drowned his grief over his wife’s death. 

 

Finally, he looked back to Jim. Their eyes met. Jim stared at him.

 

“Hello Jim.” Spock said softly. 

 

“S-Spock?” 

 

“I understand your confusion but I must say… It is a pleasure beyond your comprehension to see you again old friend.” 

 

He can see Kirk’s slight tremble at that statement, and he looks once more at This universe’s James. “How long have they been in the universe?” 

 

“About 4 stardays. They just… Appeared on our teleporter.”

 

“The transporter is often the cause of problems.” Spock agreed. A shadow passed over the room, and Spock glanced out the window to see clouds brewing. 

 

“Ah.” The ambassador said softly. “Come. We may speak more at my house.” He quickly flipped off the machine he had been using and grabbed his personal PADD off the table “we must get home before the storm begins.”

 

“It storms here?” McCoy asked. 

 

“Sadly.” Spock said “quite violently as well. Although they were not common until a week and a half ago, when the rate increased exponentially. It could be some sort of rainy season we were not aware of, or possibly that we just exited a dry spell. Either way, the answer is yes. We are… Adjusting.” 

 

“Storms.” Said this universe’s Spock quietly “as in electrical storms as there were on Vulcan? Or storms with participation?”

 

“The latter.” Spock said, sighing. He would do everything he could to make this place as close to Vulcan, but he could not control the weather. 

 

He did a brief mental checklist to ensure he had everything and took a few more PADDs off the table that he needed to review. He turned back to the group of humans and nodded once before walking past them to go to the door. They followed him, and he made sure to turn off the lights on his way out. The door slid shut behind them.

 

“So, how’s the rebuilding coming along?” Jim (the one with the blue eyes) asked as they walked. 

 

“It progresses as well as could be expected. Many cultures send financial compensations, yet few send materials.”

 

“Is there a shortage?”

 

“Not quite. However, we have very little at our disposal here. It has made things difficult.”

 

“And the weather isn't agreeing with you either?” 

 

Spock shook his head “there is little we can do. We will adjust as best we can. This planet has a soil as close to Vulcan as we could find, which is necessary if we wish to grow the same crops we were before. It also has the closest cycle of sunrises, meaning we do not have to adjust the calendar much.” Spock fell silent for a moment, thinking on the various reasons he had chosen to vote for this planet to be the new Vulcan. 

 

“But no matter how hard you try, you’ll never find another Vulcan, right?” Came a soft voice from behind him. Spock looked to see Doctor McCoy-  _ his  _ doctor McCoy- watching him. 

 

“Correct.” Spock replied “the loss will always be felt, even by me.”

 

“The captain over there told us the story. You're really him?” The doctor asked, pointing to Spock (the Spock of the original universe) 

 

The ambassador nodded “I am. Although much… Much older. To avoid confusion, I use the name Selek now.” 

 

“Our cousin.” Spock muttered “Indeed.” Selek replied, not mentioning that the whole reason he’d chosen the name was because that “cousin” was not a cousin. “May I ask what year it is where your from?” 

 

“We just met Janice Lester.” Kirk muttered, scowling. 

 

“Ah.” Selek nodded “3 years into the first five year mission correct?” 

 

“Indeed.” Spock said, his pace matching Kirk’s. “First?” Sulu asked “does that mean we get another?” 

 

“I cannot tell you that.” Selek said, fighting a smile at the excitement at the prospect that glittered in Sulu’s eyes

 

“Oh god, tell me I don't stay in space for another five damn years.” McCoy muttered, and Selek’s lips twitched as he gazed at his younger self, his captain, and his doctor. 

 

Seeing his old friends should cause him grief, pain even, but it simply made him smile as he remembered the connection he had with each of them. There was a pang of sadness when he thought of the fact that they would have to go back, that he would inevitably be left alone again, but he carefully hid it. 

 

No need to worry them.

 

“May I ask how many years it has been for you since the mission?” McCoy said suddenly “how old  _ are _ you?” 

 

Selek opened his mouth to respond before a voice called to him in Vulcan. Two young students came over to him and in hushed Vulcan asked him to please look over their forms and work and experiments and such. He accepted all 4 PADDs that they handed him and carried them under his arm with the others. He wished them a good night and then turned back to the doctor, who blinked. 

 

“I am 156.347 years old, doctor.” Selek said, and began walking again “come along, my house is not far.”

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

~

 

Jim was  _ astonished _ .

 

Seriously, the change in the ambassador was amazing. He had been excited to see them interact, and had many different theories about how he would react to his old crew- 

 

And seeing the older Vulcan so damn  _ happy  _ made Jim want to squeal. 

 

The moment the ambassador looked at Kirk, the look that bad seeped into his face- a mix of  _ love happiness joy wonder _ \- had made his heart melt. Selek was probably the most expressive Vulcan Jim had ever met, and it showed. 

 

All the comparisons being made between New Vulcan and Vulcan were making him sad though. He couldn't understand, obviously, the pain of losing your whole world. He couldn't even imagine- 

 

And then, it started raining. 

 

Fat rain drops first hit them when they were maybe half way to Selek’s house, and the moment they had the three Vulcan’s had all turned their gaze to the sky with furrowed brows. 

 

“Ah.” Selek said “we should hurry. Up those stairs.” He said, pointing to a set of steps carved on the side of the cliff. 

 

The climb was simple and there was a railing. There was maybe 117 steps.

 

Jim started up them happily- and then everyone froze when there was the sound of a foot slipping on rock and a sharp gasp. 

 

Everyone turned to see Selek clutching the railing for dear life, down on one knee after apparently slipping on the step, his face twisted in pain. 

 

“Hey-” Kirk started going back down the steps, Jim following- but they stopped when Selek held up a hand. 

 

“I do not require assistance.” The Vulcan said, straightening and continuing walking carefully, the pain fading from his face until it was a carefully placed mask once more. 

 

“You-” Kirk muttered. Selek glanced at him. “You stubborn Vulcan.” Kirk huffed. Selek tilted his head “Indeed.”, and then continued up the steps. Jim blinked at the twinkle in the ambassador’s eyes, like he was remembering something from a long time ago. Then he realized he probably  _ was _ .

 

Jim and Kirk went a little slower, ready to assist if he needed it. When they reached the top, both the doctors had their med bags at the ready. 

 

Selek sighed “I appreciate the concern, but I am fine.” He said, brushing past them to continue towards his house. 

 

“You-” McCoy said, huffing and chasing after him “you slipped on the steps!”

 

“The stairs are wet from the rain- which is increasing in speed- and I mearly lost my footing.” 

 

“You  _ lost your footing? _ Do Vulcans even do that?!” 

 

“Half human ones who have lived as long as I have do, yes.” 

 

McCoy blinked “But-”

 

“Doctor.” Selek said “I am old but I am not senile. I am fine. We must get out of the rain.” 

 

Jim had to snort at the look on the doctor’s face, and Kirk grinned “some things never change I guess.” 

 

Kirk’s Spock watched his elder counterpart with interest, and then looked at his captain with a dry look. 

 

“Captain I must ask-”

 

“Never mind. Come on, let's get out of the rain.” 

 

Selek’s house had a large front porch, with a few flowers growing in front. The house seemed to have three levels- and the top one had  _ a lot _ of windows. 

 

Selek quickly unlocked the door, and then went inside. “Lights, 60%.” He called “please come in.” 

 

The door led into a front room, which had a fireplace and many bookshelves. The shelves were… Strangely empty. Jim almost smacked himself for that thought. Of course they were empty- when Selek came through the black hole he hadn't had a bag with him. He didn't have anything because all his possessions were sitting in the other universe, collecting dust. There were a few artifacts, but few books. Opposite the entrance was an open kitchen, which was rather small. 

 

“There is a bathroom off the kitchen, along with my study through this door-” he touched a door that was across from the fireplace. The stairs were against the right wall. “There is also a bathroom upstairs. The second floor is all empty bedrooms for guests. The third floor is my meditation area.” He glanced at the other two Spock's “you are, of course, welcome to use that as needed.” 

 

Both of them nodded slightly.

 

“I do not have any meat, however I do have various teas and vegetables and coffee. I will prepare dinner- temperature, 75 degrees fahrenheit.” The temperature shifted to something cooler and more comfortable for humans.

 

“You don't have to do that.” Kirk said “this is your home, you should be comfortable.”

 

“I spent many years living on a ship where the temperature is fit for humans, along with many years on earth.” Selek said. “In addition, I was on delta vega for a short time- I believe I can, as you often said “deal with it.”” Selek went to the kitchen, fetching cups and things for tea. “You may figure out sleeping arrangements as you all see fit. I will sleep in my meditation area, and there are enough rooms for everyone if you pair up.” 

 

Jim watched the crew disperse, heading up stairs to see about rooms and sleeping arrangements. 

 

Soon, only the two Kirks and the three Spocks were left. 

 

Kirk went over first, sitting on a chair next to the counter “you said you have coffee?”

 

“Indeed. I never stopped buying it after-” the old Vulcan faltered and Jim watched the familiar grief seep into his eyes once more. He glanced between the captain and commander of the original enterprise. 

 

“After my Jim passed.” Selek finished after a moment, apparently determining it would be safe to say. 

 

Kirk’s Spock stiffened slightly, and Kirk’s eyes grew sad “I see.” He said. 

 

Jim came over and sat on another chair, his Spock sitting next to him.

 

_ ‘Old you seems sad.’ _

 

_ ‘He's seeing another version of his bondmate- one who is young and whom he can not touch.’  _

 

Jim flinched  _ ‘well now I feel kinda guilty. We're hurting him aren't we?’ _

 

_ ‘When you lose everything, I would imagine there is always a degree of pain you carry. No matter the circumstance.’  _ Spock reached over and brushed his fingers over Jim’s knee. 

 

Selek put the water on for tea and coffee and then turned back to them. “You said you have just encountered Janice Lester?” He asked Kirk, who nodded “that was a mess…” He muttered. 

 

“You two have not bonded yet, correct?” 

 

“Correct.” Kirk’s Spock said, nodding. 

 

Selek nodded once. “Did you and me…” Kirk trailed off. 

 

“I should not tell you that, as it could impact your decision.” Selek said after a moment. “However… I have come to view some things as inevitable.” 

 

“You're being deliberately vague.” Kirk huffed. “I get the temporal directive and all but your giving me nothing here.” He pouted, and Selek was clearly fighting a smile again. “Do not pout Jim, it is unbecoming of a captain.” 

 

Kirk raised a brow at him, and Selek sighed softly. “Believe me, if I knew it wouldn't impact anything, I would tell you every error we made. I would save you from the pain of my mistakes.” His gaze became soft, and sad again. “But I cannot.” 

 

He turned back to the pot, which was boiling. He poured three cups of tea, and then got the coffee. 

 

“Three sugars and-” 

 

“And French vanilla creamer.” Selek finished softly “Doctor McCoy takes his black, Mr. Sulu prefers herbal teas, and Mr. Chekov and Mr. Scott both enjoy a shot of vodka and scotch respectively in their coffee.” He turned back to them with a raised brow. “My memory is still quite good Captain.” 

 

“Clearly.” Kirk said, accepting his cup. Jim took the other coffee and sipped it. “Perfectly flavored.” He commented “and better than the replicator.” 

 

Selek nodded “I do have a replicator also, but I rarely use it.” He sat in the final chair in the kitchen and placed his tea in front of him. “I enjoy cooking on my own.”

 

“So when you said you lived on earth…” Spock asked, trailing off “I lived with Jim yes.” Selek said. 

 

“You didn't miss home? On Vulcan?” Kirk asked 

 

“I care deeply for Vulcan, and it will always be my place of birth and I will always miss it.” Selek replied. “However, over time, “home” was not Vulcan. It was the  _ Enterprise  _ and the people aboard her. It was the apartment in San Francisco, the house in Iowa. Home became…” He trailed off and gazed at Kirk. They all heard his final statement though. 

 

_ Home became James Kirk.  _

 

* * *

 

_ The Nexus  _

 

_ ~ _

 

The Nexus was becoming annoying now. 

 

The moment Jim thought of the name it worked even harder to make him forget; the resulting migraine sent Jim on his knees in the bathroom, dry heaving for hours. 

 

He realized, as he tried to be sick to no avail, that all the food he had eaten here had been tasteless, and he hadn't even eaten anything. He finds himself missing  _ Spock’s _ cooking. 

 

_ They have just started dating when Jim finds out that Spock can cook. Amanda loved to cook, and she taught her son how to do it. The first shore leave they spend together, Spock makes him all the dishes he loved as a kid, including veggie burgers and plomeek soup. _

 

_ Jim hates plomeek soup, he's never been able to stomach a full bowl. Spock asks him to try, and Jim eats two full bowls. When he asked what the heck he put in it, Spock says it's a secret. The reason Jim has hated plomeek soup is that replicated plomeek is awful even for Spock, and he eats it so often because the replicator has almost no other vegetarian options.  _

 

_ Jim is shocked to hear this, and Spock shrugs and says that it's because starfleet programs them to make sure everyone gets lots of protein and stays healthy in space. Most vegetarian dishes are lacking in that, and plomeek is one of the few exceptions. Apparently the other vegetarian dishes taste even worse than replicated soup.  _

 

_ The moment they get back Jim personally works with Scotty to improve the replicators, and it's all worth it when he presents Spock with some perfectly flavored tofu fries (a favorite Vulcan equivalent of junk food for Spock).  _

 

_ Years later, when they aren't on the Enterprise any more, Spock cooks for him all the time. Jim learns how to cook, and it quickly becomes routine for the kitchen to be filled with wonderful smells.  _

 

_ Their only failure is baking. Despite their amazing cooking skills, every time they try to bake it ends in smoke, fire, flour getting everywhere, a cake exploding, Jim burning himself because he didn't wear gloves, and one scary incident when Spock burnt his hands very badly (that wasn't a funny one though- Spock’s pained screaming and pitiful whimpers as they go to the hospital make him sick) but most of the time they end up laughing about it and cuddling and kissing as they wash the flour off of themselves.  _

 

_ And then Gol happens and Khan happens, and Spock can't remember his passion for cooking. He can't remember his recipes or what Jim’s favorite food is, he can't remember their baking failures, how long to boil pasta for, or what temperature to roast vegetables at.  _

 

_ For months after he gets Spock back he spends his nights in the kitchen instead of sleeping because when he sleeps he has nightmares of being trapped in a warp core or a burning ship. He slaves over stoves and ovens, both at Amanda’s house and in the 60s and then at their home. Spock once said that taste is an amazing mnemonic device and is linked to most memories. _

 

_ But no matter what he feeds Spock, he doesn't remember.  _

 

_ Jim becomes depressed, and dejected. One night Spock comes into the kitchen to find him sobbing.  _

 

_ He asks what's wrong, and Jim says that he can't make Spock’s plomeek soup. _

 

_ He’s never been able to make it the way Spock does, the way that makes Jim want to eat 4 bowls at a time. He does something to it, but Spock always told him it was a secret and Jim never knew what and now he may never know.  _

 

_ Spock states at him as he cries, and then he comes over and tastes Jim’s latest attempt. _

 

_ “Butter.” He suddenly says, and Jim is frozen. _

 

_ He gets the butter from the fridge, and Jim watches in amazement as he puts a 5th of a stick in the pot, and then salt and then- he grabs the sugar and sprinkles just a little in.  _

 

_ He puts some on a spoon and has Jim taste it. It's perfect.  _

 

_ “Butter and sugar. I always put a little butter and sugar in for my t’hy’la.”  _

 

_ Jim’s tears mix with the plomeek as he kisses his husband for the first time in months. _

 

Jim  _ does  _ become sick after the memory. But he doesn't care. 

 

The nexus can make him bedridden and sick with the bubonic plague or rigelian flu, he will  _ never  _ regret his memories with Spock. 

 

They are his greatest treasures, and their all he has. If the nexus wants them back they will have to pry them from his cold dead body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is it for today byeeee


	7. Falling Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selek finally breaks down, and it's Kirk's turn to gain some perspective on his situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I say this a lot BUT THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHAPTERS
> 
> THE PENDANT THE PENDANT THE PENDANT WOOOOOOOOO
> 
> dedicated to whoever wrote that scene and not dedicated to whoever took it out

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~  _

 

Selek meditates often. So often he can slip into a meditative state almost anywhere. 

 

For a long time, it is the only thing that soothes the broken bond in his head. 

 

But meditation seems to refuse to come to him lately.

 

His guests had all gone to bed- he’d peeked into one of his rooms and seen Jim and himself (his younger self, from his universe) asleep in bed together.

 

He would admit to watching them for a while, for gazing at Jim’s face, for remembering his love.

 

All the greif he’d been stamping down came swelling up, and he retreated to his meditation room. 

 

And now he was here. 

 

He swallowed thickly and slipped his legs into a more comfortable position, clearly giving up on meditation.

 

With shaky hands, he reached around his neck and fingered the necklace.

 

It was shaped like a heart on the outside, a locket. 

 

He thumbed the button on the side and then placed the emitter flat on his palm. There was a click, and then a whirring, 

 

And he flickered to life. 

 

“ _... Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! _ ” Holo-Jim laughed softly “ _ I know I know _ ” his face became grim as he attempted to copy Spock “ _ it is illogical to celebrate something I had no part in _ ” he let his smile come back, and Spock made a little noise in his throat at the sight of it. “ _ I haven't had the chance to congratulate you on your ambassadorship yet. I told you you’d get chosen. _ ” The smile became soft, and tender “ _ bravo, beautiful. Since I had to leave early and can't be there when you wake up, I'm leaving you this. And they say your first mission will start just after I get back. Since we can't talk on communicators right now and there might be some delay that prevents us from seeing one another let me wish you good luck and say… _ ” he beamed up at him 

 

_ “I miss you, my darling _ .”

 

“I miss you as well.” Spock whispered. He didn't care if he couldn't hear. 

 

“ _ I suppose I always imagined us outgrowing starfleet- and yet here I am, an admiral. And you're an ambassador.- but I always wanted to see us swing into our Emeritus years… I look around at the new cadets now and can’t help thinking… has it really been so long? Wasn’t it only yesterday we stepped onto the Enterprise as boys? That I had to prove to the crew I  _ _   
_ _ deserved command… and their respect? _ ”

 

“You deserved it. You earned it.” 

 

Jim’s smile turned playful “ _ I know, I know. “It is their turn now” I know. But… Baby, who's to say we can't go one last round? Spock… only 25% of the galaxy has been charted. That's so little! It's criminal! It's… Illogical! _ ” Jim laughed “ _ it's an invitation. _ ”

 

His gaze became serious again, smiling up at Spock. 

 

“ _ You once said being a captain was my first, best destiny. If it is, then yours is to be at my side, as if you've always been there and always will. If there is any logic to the universe, we’ll end up on the bridge again someday. _ ” 

 

Spock held his breath 

 

“ _ Face it sweetheart, for people like us… The journey itself, is home. _ ”

 

Jim smiled, and the image flickered away.

 

Spock sobbed. 

 

His breaking point had been reached. He dropped the pendant so it hung around his neck again. He pressed his hand to his mouth to muffle his quiet sobs. 

 

He hadn't cried in years. He could remember the last time…

 

_ Captain Picard had brought him here to visit. Spock had brought flowers from Jim’s window garden, along with flowers from each of their friends. It was a lonely bouquet. _

 

_ He shouldn't have had to bring it. Jim should not be dead.  _

 

_ The memorial was small, something Picard had put there. There was no name.  _

 

_ It was not enough. _

 

_ Call him biased, but in Spock’s mind James Kirk deserved a monument- a statue that reached the stars. He did not deserve a death so small. _

 

_ “James.” He whispered “Jim. Hello.”  _

 

_ He shifted, awkward. _

 

_ “Talking to you has always been easy. Now it is not. It is… Illogical, to speak when you cannot hear me. But I doubt I will ever stop talking to you. I still buy coffee, still buy double the amount of food. I'm waiting for you to come back, James. I’ll never stop waiting.” He rubbed his hand across his face _

 

_ “You should not have left me yet. You should have gone out in a blaze of glory or died with me by your side. You… You should not have been alone. I promised you would not die alone. Now you have, twice. I broke my promise. I'm sorry-” his voice cracked.  _

 

_ “... You said we would end up on the bridge again. Clearly not. James… Jim…” He whispered “Jim… I… I need you to come back t’hy’la. You always said you needed me. I love you. I need you. I could never say… I never was the husband you deserved.” He looked away “... Picard told me about Antonia. I hope she was everything you deserved.”  _

 

_ Spock sank to his knees, placing the flowers down.  _

 

_ “I love you, Jim. I…” He choked on a sob “Jim please. I… I do not wish to keep living. I promised you I would but I do not wish to. Please come back to me soon.”  _

 

_ He bowed his head, his tears landed in his lap _

 

_ “James.” He whispered “Jim.”  _

 

“Spock.”

 

Spock’s head snapped up to see Kirk, standing in the doorway with sad golden eyes. 

 

“Oh… Oh Spock…” he came over and crouched next to him. 

 

“Do… Do not. I am  not… I am much older than your…” 

 

“Shut up.” Jim muttered, pulling Spock into a hug. “A Spock’s a Spock and it's my job to protect my first officer and help him when he’s sitting in the dark crying over a hologram of me.” 

 

Spock whimpered at the look in those hazel eyes, his resistance crumbling in the familiar arms.

 

“You miss me huh?”

 

“More than anything else in universe.” 

 

“How long has it been since…”

 

“Too long.” Spock replied. “I… I apologize. I did not wish for you to see me like… This.” He was trembling against Jim’s chest. The familiar warmth is not quite the same as he remembers and at the same time is exactly the same. An interesting paradox to be sure.

 

“... I feel guilty.”

 

“Death is inevitable.”

 

“I'm being selfish. If Spock settled with some Vulcan girl, he wouldn't worry about outliving her. You may not be sitting here sobbing over a recording.”

 

“You saw-”

 

“I stood there for a while. You underestimate my ability to be silent.” He looked at him, then sighed “But this… I caused this. I should just-”

 

Spock abruptly sat up and gripped Jim by the shoulders “silent.” He half growled. 

 

Jim’s mouth snapped closed. 

 

“Do not think, even for a  _ moment  _ that I regret a millisecond of my life with you. Do not think for even a moment you are anything less than worthy.” Spock said, eyes begging him to understand “I cannot meld with you, as the emotional transference would likely compromise you immensely, but  _ please _ believe me.” 

 

Jim swallowed and nodded. “Okay. Okay. Spock…” 

 

Spock carefully lowered his hands “I… I am Sorry.” He mumbled, looking down. 

 

“I thought apologies were illogical.”

 

“As is crying over the dead.” Spock nodded “I have become quite illogical in my old age.” 

 

“What about pon farr?” Jim asked 

 

Spock winced. 

 

“Oh… Spock…” 

 

“I regret… I wish…” Spock bit his lip, a habit he had picked up from James. “I did not wish too. But someone always found me.” 

 

“You didn't wish… Spock if you didn't take a mate you would have  _ died _ .”

 

Spock looked away. 

 

“Spock… Spock  _ no.  _ No. Spock you can’t want to die.” Jim placed a hand on his shoulder “I don't want that. I can guarantee that would have broken older me’s heart.”

 

“It would have.” Spock agreed. “He was… Very adamant about making sure I kept living after he passed. He made me promise.” 

 

“Well good. Now I'm still your commanding officer, so consider it an order Mister. You  _ have _ to keep living until your 300.” 

 

“That is old even for Vulcans.” 

 

“Well they need you. So, 300. Understand?”

 

“Yes captain.” Spock responded automatically, and Jim laughed. 

 

It was a beautiful sound.

 

* * *

 

 

_ The Nexus _

 

_ ~ _

 

It occurs to Jim one day that Spock might not even be alive.

 

It's only logical- he doesn't know how long he’s been in here since the bridge collapsed. Does time even  _ count  _ in the nexus? He knows nothing about the outside world. It could be thousands of years. Spock could be long dead.

 

The thought terrifies him. 

 

He’s already lost Spock so many times, he wouldn't be able to do it again. 

 

Suddenly, he found himself getting angry. He stood up and swept his hand over a shelf with some ugly vase on it. The vase fell to the ground and shattered. 

 

Jim smirked darkly, going around the house and breaking anything he could find. He was  _ pissed _ . The universe insisted on keeping him and Spock apart! What was the point!? He loved Spock, why did they have to keep getting separated. 

 

He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally calmed down. He’d broken every glass in the kitchen, and yet the cabinet was full. The nexus had fixed everything. 

 

Jim groaned. Of course, not even his anger would be remembered. He broke another glass, just for good measure. He wondered idly what would happen if he got a cut. He took a shard of glass and made a small cut across his palm, and watched in horror as it closed right up again. 

 

He wanted  _ out _ of the nexus. He wanted to feel pain other than this unstoppable headache.

 

He wanted  _ spock _ . 

 

He wanted out. He wanted out he wanted out hewantedout _ hewantedout _ **_hewantedout_ ** **_hewantedOUT_ ** -

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~ _

 

Kirk was walking around the colony with Spock- his Spock- later. He knew Spock knew about his visit with his older self, but he hadn't mentioned it. 

 

“It's so weird to be here.” Kirk said “it's so different from Vulcan. Their trying but…” 

 

“I understand.” Spock said “it is… Strange to be here. I can not imagine what it must be like for my counterparts.” 

 

Kirk glanced to make sure no one was looking, then he squeezed Spock’s hand. “When we get back, we should go to Vulcan. Take a vacation. Visit your mom.” 

 

“We do have the leave time to fit such a trip.” Spock said. 

 

“... Maybe we could visit a healer while we’re there.” 

 

Spock’s eyes widened. “Jim-” 

 

“I…” Kirk said softly “I talked with the ambassador. Really early this morning. He was crying… Over me. Older me. I think he was an admiral.” 

 

Spock blinked, clearly confused.

 

“He was crying… But my god Spock, the  _ look  _ in his eyes. He told me he didn't regret a moment of his life… That he had been happy with his Jim…” He looked up at Spock “and I want to make you happy like that too.” 

 

“You already make me happy beyond comprehension.” Spock said softly, reaching up to brush a finger over a meld point. “Jim, do not feel pushed by the actions of others.”

 

“I’m being a coward and we both know it.” Kirk said, eyes sad. “I'm frightened by the fact that this is permanent. I’d be committing myself to you forever, and if I do that I can end up hurting you-”

 

“Jim.” Spock said softly “a bond is not permanent, they can be broken-” 

 

“Not without danger to you-”

 

“- _ and  _ you could never drive me away  _ ashaya _ . My heart will forever belong to you, bonded or not.” Spock promised.

 

“Exactly. What happens if I slip up and cheat?” Kirk muttered “you get hurt.” 

 

“Have you cheated on me since we began our involvement?”

 

“I got kissed a few times but… No.” Kirk muttered.

 

“An important tactic to avoid causing an intergalactic war. Your charms are quite irresistible.” Spock said. Kirk flushed and fought a smile. 

 

“Jim.” Spock said “do not feel pressured. I will wait as long as you wish. We never need to become bonded if you want.” 

 

“I…” Kirk was interrupted by the sight of his younger counterpart leaning against a wall, alone. He frowned and went over, leading Spock behind him. 

 

“Kid?” Kirk said. “Don't call me that old man.” Jim quipped, grinning slightly at Kirk, which made him grin back. “Brat.”

“Grandpa.” 

 

“Punk”

 

“shorty!” 

 

“Oh, ouch. Spooock, he's being mean!” Kirk whined, tugging on Spock’s sleeve “make him stop!” 

 

“You both are being illogically childish.” Spock said, voice dryly. Kirk laughed as Jim stuck out his tongue. “Oi. Only  _ my  _ husband gets to call me illogically childish!” Jim teased. 

 

“Where is he any how?” Kirk asked, and Jim sobered. “He's taking a minute to embrace his human half.” He pointed to the left, and Kirk saw it.

 

The memorial was a simple rectangular block of stone that stood tall. The word carved in it were written in traditional Vulcan script, standard Vulcan script, and standard general script.

 

“ _ Va’pak _ .” Jim read “the immeasurable loss, right?”

 

“The more direct translation.” Spock replied quietly “is a loss that can never be recovered. Something we will never come back from. It is a hopeless word.” 

 

“Geez.” Jim shook his head “I've been trying to learn Vulcan, but I don't have much of a head for languages. Do you speak it?” 

 

Kirk nodded, still gazing at the memorial. The Vulcan word  _ va’pak _ was written in Vulcan standard and traditional Vulcan (the traditional scripts were beautiful, and Kirk was learning how to write it). The standard words read simply the immeasurable loss. Below the words was a date. Above them was the IDIC symbol. There were no names. The younger Spock stood in front of it, still as if he were a statue too. Kirk could feel his sadness from here. 

 

“He’s lost so much.” Kirk commented. Jim nodded, sighing. “Yeah. And then there's the ambassador- all this  _ plus  _ all his friends, his whole crew, his bondmate…” Jim trailed off.

 

“Do you know about the necklace?” Kirk asked, and Jim frowned “what, the locket?” Kirk shook his head “it's not a locket. It's a holo-emitter. It has a recorded message on it- from me. Older me. I think it's a gift from me to him. It made him cry last night.” 

 

Jim’s blue eyes became sad. “Oh Christ, that's even sadder. He never takes that thing off. He touches it sometimes, when he looks at me. He calls it his greatest possession- there was this one time we transported him to another planet, and they asked him to remove it to check it and he got so  _ upset _ \- he actually caused a scene. They let him keep it. I mean, I figured it was just important to him because it's one of the last things he has from his universe but…” Jim trailed off and looked up at his Spock. The younger blonde suddenly frowned, brow furrowing, and then his eyes became apologetic. “Oh.” He whispered “yeah. I swear I’ll never put you through that again baby…” He whispered. 

 

“Uh… Kid?” 

 

Jim blinked and looked over at Kirk “ah- sorry. Spock was…” He gestured to his head “sorry. Forgot. I'm relatively new at this whole mental bond thing. He was thinking about when I died…” Jim shook his head.

 

Spock- Kirk’s Spock- tilted his head “you have died?” 

 

Jim nodded “there was an incident. I died of radiation poisoning while fixing the warp core. Spock was only my boyfriend at the time, but he watched me die and…” He took a shaky breath “it was bad. He’ll never admit to having nightmares about it. I got brought back by some genetically altered blood but…” He shook his head “it was bad for everyone. We got sent on our five year mission after that.” 

 

“Captain?” Came a new voice. Kirk and Jim and Spock turned to see… Sarek. 

 

“... Ah.” Sarek said “I understand what Selek meant when he said multiples now.” He nodded at Jim, who nodded back. “Yeah. Hi Sarek.” 

 

“Greetings.” Sarek said, then glanced at Kirk. “You are another James Kirk.” 

 

Kirk smiled awkwardly. “Yep.” 

 

“And you…” Sarek glanced at Spock “another version of my son?” 

 

Spock nodded “greetings father. I grieve with thee for the loss of thy planet and thy bondmate.” He said. Sarek nodded “in… Your world, Vulcan still exists?” 

 

Spock nodded. Sarek hesitated, and then “and… Amanda?” 

 

“She lives. She was quite well when I last spoke to her.” Spock said. 

 

Kirk almost gasped at the pure sadness that grew in Sarek’s gaze. He’d seen Sarek and Amanda interact, and there was no doubt that they were in love, but to see Sarek show it so blatantly was… Astonishing.

 

“Good.” Sarek said “I ask on my counterparts behalf that should your Vulcan be destroyed, you save save her before me.” 

 

Jim’s eyes widened, and Kirk blinked in shock. Sarek walked over to his son and the memorial. Kirk could hear their greeting. 

 

“... It is strange.” Young Spock said “that mother has no formal grave. To think, all those Vulcans who hated her and yet they share a grave with her. It is… Ironic.”

 

“Indeed.” Sarek said “however, you are incorrect. She has a formal grave. Selek did not show you?” 

 

Spock stiffened- even Kirk could see it- and shook his head. 

 

“Come.” Sarek said “I shall show you.”

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

Jim had known Spock would visit the memorial. 

 

The loss had to be really deeply felt for there to even be a memorial, and when his husband went to it, Jim had stayed back. 

 

Striking up a conversation with his counterpart had been easy. It was a warm day, and everyone was out walking around. 

 

When Kirk had brought up the necklace, Jim had figured out that spock was listening, because the image of Jim against the glass, not breathing, appeared in his mind. Jim had viewed Khan from Spock’s point of view before, in melds. But the feeling of rage that Spock felt with the incident still made him dizzy. He knows what Spock wanted to do to Khan, and it was  _ scary _

 

“I’ll never put you through that again baby.” Jim promises, aloud and over the bond. 

 

When his father in law shows up, Jim isn’t surprised by that either. He doesn't like Sarek but he had been one of the two witnesses at he and Spock’s wedding/bonding ceremony (Selek had been the other) and they had a mutual respect for one another.

 

When Sarek implies that he would rather be dead then have Amanda be dead, Jim  _ is  _ shocked, and can feel Spock’s shock too. 

 

The walk back to Selek’s house takes no time (Jim wonders if Selek moved close to the memorial so he would have to pass it every day and think about his failure- the old Vulcan  _ still  _ blames himself) and Sarek leads them through the house and out the back door. 

 

There, pressed against the back of the house, is a small flower bed with a flat stone in the middle. 

 

AMANDA GRAYSON the stone reads and then, simply, BELOVED. 

 

Jim watched Spock crouch down and brush his fingers over the name. 

 

“... It is precisely what she would have wanted.” Spock said softly “a simple marker with some flowers.” 

 

“I would have wished it to be at my household. However, As I am an ambassador, and young enough where I must remarry, it would be unbecoming to have a memorial where other could see and consider me illogical.” Sarek seemed sad, and Jim could picture the struggle he had- wanting to grieve, but needing to keep an appearance. 

 

“You are allowed to grieve for her father.” Spock said softly. 

 

“... She would be most disappointed with how we have let the flowers wilt.” Sarek commented. 

 

Jim saw Spock’s lips twitch. “She cared very dearly about her flowers. She used to talk to them.”

 

“An illogical habit of hers.” Sarek said, his voice fond

 

“When you would point it out, she would say that they were her children. You would say that she did not give birth to her plants, and she would spend the next hour trying to make you understand that they were her “plant children” as she called them.” 

 

A memory flowed across the bond, of Amanda trying to make Sarek see, of turning to Spock and telling him that the plant in question (it was a cabbage plant in this memory) was now his sibling. Jim laughed at it, and Spock gazed up at him. 

 

“... Your mother would have liked your choice in bondmate.” Sarek said softly. 

 

“I agree.” Spock said softly. 

 

Another image flowed across the bond. Amanda kissing Sarek on the cheek, and ruffling Spock’s hair. Teasing them about how  _ “my boys just don't like plants.” _

 

Jim smiled, and thinks that he would have liked Amanda as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might just upload everything today tbh. School is hard and i want it posted so ya'll can enjoy it.


	8. Rising Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is happening around new Vulcan, a storm is coming. Who has brought it here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHERE THE STUFF STARTS TO HAPPEN.
> 
> Dedicated to Scotty cause he doesnt get enough love

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~ _

 

It is two hours later that it begins.

 

A storm brews and comes down in ernest. Everyone gathers in Selek’s living room as rain pounds on the Windows. 

 

Bones and Nyota are curled up together on one chair, messaging Scotty. Sulu is sitting with Chekov and Hikaru is in the study vidcalling Ben. (Jim hopes they get their act together.)

 

Jim is sitting on the floor across from Kirk, and they are watching the two Spocks play chess. 

 

The game has been going on for a half hour. And it is easily the most complex game Jim has ever seen. Everyone is watching it. Their pretty evenly matched, but Jim thinks his Spock is winning. 

 

“Hey, 50 credits says my Spock wins.” Jim whispers, nudging Kirk. “No way, my Spock can play yours under a table.” 

 

They shake on the wager, and Jim laughs softly when he sees the look Spock gives him. 

 

_ ‘Jim.’ _

 

_ ‘What?! I'm making a logical investment! I can use it to buy you more lingerie.’ _

 

_ ‘Jim!’  _

 

_ ‘What?!’  _

 

Spock's cheeks do not flush, to his credit, but the glare he shoots Jim is perfect, and Jim has to laugh. 

 

Selek comes in with a tray of cups and passes out each person's favorite drink to them. Just as he places his tray in the kitchen, the power flickers and goes out. 

 

“Oh geez-” Jim mutters.

 

“Well, there goes the game.” Kirk says, which makes Jim whine. 

 

“I have candles.” Selek says “I simply cannot see where they-  _ oof-  _ are.” There is a muffled noise as Selek walks in to something. 

 

Nyota quickly takes the PADD and turns on the flashlight function. Selek nods at her in thanks and makes his way over to the bookshelf. He takes a box of matches off the shelf and goes about the room, lighting several candles. Soon, everything’s bathed in a soft glow. Hikaru comes out of the study and sits on the floor, and Selek comes and sits on remaining chair, his own tea in his hand. “This has never happened before.” Selek says softly. “I will likely be called in to help soon.”

 

“I took a look at your work load. You work way too much.” McCoy says gruffly, one arm over Nyota. 

 

“We are rebuilding a civilization doctor. I am working as much as I can be expected.” Selek says. 

 

“I've noticed the way you wince when you move. What is it- arthritis?” He raised a brow at him. 

 

“I've scanned him in the past. It's arthritis alright.” Bones says before Selek can answer “a good amount.” 

 

“The consequences of a physically demanding job.” Selek says, tilting his head “and being older than any human should be while still being half human.” 

 

“Please tell me I was making sure you didn't die until I died.” McCoy says, raising a brow.

 

“You used to call me almost every day to make sure I was taking my medicine and eating properly because you insisted you were still my doctor even after not being on a ship together for almost 60 years.” Selek says. 

 

“I gotta ask- which one of us lives the longest?” Sulu asked, tilting his head. 

 

“I should not tell you that” 

 

“Oh come on! You don't have to tell us  _ how  _ we die or when we die but who lived the longest?” McCoy pressed. 

 

Selek thought for a moment “Technically Mr. Sulu reached the oldest age. But Mr. Scott was the last one to die. He got trapped in a transporter experiment for 45 years. He died only a few days before I went on the mission that would bring me here.” Selek said, sipping his tea. “... Do not tell him that.” He added as an afterthought.

 

Uhura laughed softly “oh that stubborn man…” She snuggled closer to her McCoy. “He would get trapped in a transporter.” She looked at Selek “were you there when he passed?” She asked 

 

“I managed to visit everyone directly before they died except for Mr. Chekov, Doctor McCoy and… Jim.” Selek said, sipping his tea again.

 

There was silence, and Jim frowned at the look on Selek’s face. 

 

“You know.” Kirk said, glancing up at his old friend “it is illogical to blame yourself for things that are out of your control.” 

 

Selek dipped his head in acknowledgement. “I understand.” 

 

Someone knocked on the door, and Selek rose “Enter.” He called. 

 

The door opened, and a young Vulcan came in. “Elder Selek- a building has been set on fire by a lightning strike.” The young Vulcan informed. “Has anyone been injured?” 

 

“Several people are dead. Many are injured. The storm is violent, and we think that it is not natural.” 

 

Selek frowned and went over to him “not natural?”

 

“No sir, the conditions are similar to the red matter-” 

 

Selek’s eyes widened, and Jim gasped. Spock went straight as a rod next to him. 

 

“We fear it may become another black hole.” He held out a PADD. 

 

Selek took the offered PADD and read it, eyes widening “... Have we begin evacuation procedures?” “No sir. The council is meeting.” “Return to the academy, I will be along shortly.” 

 

The young Vulcan left, and Selek stood there, frozen for a moment before turning and grabbing a thick outer robe off the wall. “I must go.” Selek said “you should-”

 

“ _ Hell  _ no.” Jim stood “our ship is in orbit. If there is anything we can do we are doing it.” 

 

“Agreed.” Kirk said. 

 

Selek looked between the two for a moment, then nodded once. “We shall go. We must hurry though.”

 

He didn't say the words, but everyone heard it- Jim especially.

 

_ The race can not lose another planet. We will not survive.  _

 

* * *

 

_ The Nexus _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ Pain fear anger  _ **_out out out_ ** _  cold he's so could he wants out  _ **_hewantedouthewantedouthewantedouthewantedOUT_ ** _  he had to get out had to get out  _ _ Spock Spock Spock  _ **_he needed Spock_ ** _ why captain you almost make me believe in luck whymrspockyoualmostmakemebeleiveinmiracles pain pain  _ **_pain_ ** _ storm tornado rip rip  _ _ rip it tear it get  _ **_out_ ** _ have to get out have to get out havetogetouthavetogetout can't breath I can't breath I need Spock I need to get out I want I want out iwantoutiwantoutIWANTOUTIWANTOUTIWANTOUTIWANTOUT _ **_IWANTOUT_ **

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

Selek’s head was pounding. 

 

He rushed into the council room to see the elders gathered. 

 

“What is the course we are debating?” 

 

“Should we evacuate?”

 

“I vote yes, we must.” 

 

“Selek, you are wise, but if there is no danger why uproot everyone again?”

 

“Was it not logic like this that killed many on Vulcan?” 

 

“We must figure out what is causing this anomaly. Our scientists have found some sort of energy ribbon 5,673.48967 kilometers from here. It is unstable, it may be what is causing this.”

 

“An energy ribbon?” Selek bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop the memories from welling up again. It was not the nexus, it couldn't be. “I have experience with energy ribbons. I can not think of an explanation that would result in a storm this violent.”

 

“We can send a ship to investigate?”

 

Selek knows it is illogical, but he agrees. He wishes to learn more about this energy ribbon. 

 

(A desperate  _ illogical _ part of him keeps going back to the nexus. He pushes it down. He cannot have hope. There is no hope. It is not the nexus. And if it was, it would do nothing for him.)

 

(Unless he went in it, he could go to a false paradise where he was with Jim again)

 

( _ No _ )

 

“The enterprise is in orbit sir.” 

 

Selek is pulled out of his head by Jim. Spock repeats what Jim says in Vulcan. “We can help.” Jim continues, looking at the elders.

 

“The _Enterprise_ and her crew have helped us before. But who do we know we can trust you?” 

 

“Sir.” Selek says “I can vouch for them.” 

 

“Can you?” One elder asks “you may show bias due to your past affiliations and human blood.” 

 

“I have been in a deep meld with both versions of her captain sir.” Selek says “I always have and always will trust the enterprise- and James Kirk- with my life. And the lives of everyone on this planet.” 

 

This, Selek is sure of. 

 

He spares the two captains a glance. Jim looks shocked, Kirk looks like he has made a decision.

 

* * *

 

_ The Nexus (?) _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ Let me out _

 

_ Let me out _

 

_ I want out _

 

_ Let me out  _

 

_ Let me out _

 

_ Give me my husband. _

 

_ Let me out.  _

 

_ Anger/anger/anger/pain/greif/anger/anger/greif/pain/anger/greif/pain/love/love/lovelovelovelov _ **_LET ME OUT_ **

 

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

**_F_ **

**_I_ **

**_N_ **

**_E_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always thought it was crazy that Jim Kirk- stubborn ass Jim Kirk who punches himself in the face and beats baddies by shouting- wouldn't be able to fight his way out of the Nexus.
> 
> Come on, we all know he would.


	9. Exploding Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the colony in danger and everyone panicking, will Jim Kirk and James Kirk and Admiral Kirk succeed? 
> 
> (Will he return?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the climax. Be ready.

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~  _

 

Kirk has never let Spock down.

 

He always goes back for him, always helps save him, always finds a way. He does everything to avoid Spock’s death, because for as much as Spock needs him he needs Spock.

 

And Spock- he may be 156 years old and lonely and gray and has wrinkles and is sad and sore and arthritic and he probably has demons Jim can not even imagine but he is still beautiful and he is still  _ Spock _ \- just declared to a council of elders that he trusts Jim Kirk with his life.

 

He certainly will not break his trust now.

 

The two Jim Kirks work just as well together as the two Spocks do. They think alike, and barely need any words. Jim commands his crew, and Kirk commands his. 

 

The doctors stayed on New Vulcan to help anyone who got hurt, and the storm is violent. They will sail towards the danger.  _ They choose the danger _ . 

 

Jim puts the ship on red alert when they get close, at the same time that their sensors get messed up. Sulu is blind, and it’s Hikaru- this strange young version of his helmsman who has a child and a husband- who figures out how to see through the interference. 

 

“Science officer, what's going on?” Jim says. 

 

“My scanner is malfunctioning captain. I-”

 

And then, Kirk watches in horror as the science station practically explodes. 

 

Young Spock gets thrown across the bridge, landing in a heap. His Spock gets excessive burns on his arm. 

 

“Spock!” Jim runs to his husband's side and rolls him over. There is green blood everywhere, and Spock’s eyes are open- 

 

Kirk realizes with horror that he isn't breathing.

 

“No.” Jim whispers “no no NO!” He starts to shake, pulling Spock’s ruined shirts off to get at his chest. “Uhura get M’Benga up here NOW!” He snaps, and she quickly calls him. 

 

Kirk takes command of the ship, ignoring the sound of Jim furiously beating at Spock’s side. 

 

M’Benga arrives soon and takes Jim’s position at Spock’s side. “I'm losing him! I can't feel him!” Jim cries, clawing at his head. “What are you talking about?” M’Benga asks as he does CPR. 

 

“He's my husband! I have a link with him there has to be  _ something  _ I can do! M’Benga  _ please! _ ” 

 

“Talk to him.” M’Benga says “If he can hear us, he’ll listen to you.” 

 

“Mr. Spock report-” Kirk says. “The anomaly almost seems to have a solid form captain.” Spock says “it's very strange.” 

 

“Anything you can tell me?”

 

“A minute if you please.” 

 

Kirk counts the sound of M’Benga’s compressions, and he can hear Jim whispering. 

 

“ _ Spock please. Darling, ashaya, ashayam, sweetheart please I need you to come back. Wake up. Open your eyes for me sweetheart. Please darling please-” _

 

* * *

 

_ The Nexus?  _

 

_? _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ His mind is floating. He cannot breathe.  _

 

_ He reaches, hoping to grab something, anything. He feels a dead bond, a bond that has been blocked  _ **_spockspockspockahsayamt’hy’la_ ** _ and it thrums with life. _

 

_ And then he feels something- else _

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

Jim is in agony. 

 

The bond is not quite broken but it's unraveling, he is barely holding it together. 

 

He sits there, begging into his husbands ear, pleading with him. 

 

“Oh my god Spock  _ please _ . Please. You gotta open your eyes for me. Please open them for me sweetheart. Please. I need you to come back to me. I’ll do anything just come back please. You have to wake up. You can't leave me yet. Not yet.”

 

* * *

 

_? _

 

~

  
  


_ Who are you? _

 

_ You are like my husband _

 

_ You’re like mine _

 

_ James? _

 

_ Yes. Spock? _

 

_ Not yours. _

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

~

 

It takes too long for Spock to gasp. 

 

He blinks weakly, gasping for air. 

 

“ _ T’hy’la.”  _ Jim whispers, relieved. 

 

“Jim.” Spock looks at him “Jim I know what we must do.” 

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

~

 

Everything is falling apart. 

 

Three buildings have set on fire, Selek is attempting to help. 

 

He does not have medical training, and decides that he is going to have someone teach him some. People are panicking. They do not show it outwardly, of course, but it is evident in their actions.

 

People are scared. They do not want to lose another planet.

 

Statistically, if many more people die, the species will never recover their population at a rate fast enough. 

 

It is too much. 

 

And, as if the universe was laughing at him, his bond is aching with phantom pain. 

 

Spock is being punished for his failure. 

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

“You're telling me that the older version of me-  _ Selek’s  _ version of me, is causing all of this?” 

 

Kirk almost can’t believe it. He wouldn't believe it- if Spock didn't look so damn serious.

 

“Yes. He is fighting the nexus, where he was imprisoned almost over 70 years ago for Selek, but over 30 years into our future.”

 

“And if we get him out, this will end.” Jim says 

 

“Yes. And, as a bonus I know you will care about, the ambassador may get his bondmate back.”

 

“Everyone wins.” Jim says “so we beam him out.”

 

“Negative.” Spock says “we will not be able to get a lock on him.” 

 

“So… What?”

 

“I believe the only way is to launch someone directly into the center of the Nexus with a beacon, and then have them retrieve the admiral and beam them aboard then.”

 

“That's a risky plan. Someone could die.” Kirk says. 

 

“A Vulcan would have a better chance.” Spock- Kirk’s Spock- says, speaking for the first time. 

 

There's a beat of silence, and then Kirk  _ gets  _ it. 

 

“ _ Hell no!”  _

 

Kirk whirls around to face Spock. His face is solemn. “Captain, it is the best chance. I have the mental capabilities to withstand the nexus, and the physical stamina to survive the ordeal. It is lo-”

 

“ _ Shut up!  _ I don't care about logical! That is a suicide mission and you know it- you can't! I won't allow it!”

 

“My counterpart is too injured and from the sound of it a human would get pulled into the energy ribbon. It  _ is  _ logical, captain. You must allow me to do this for my people.”

 

“This isn't our world! That isn't your Vulcan! What do we do if you die here, huh? What do we tell starfleet, the crew, your parents! That you died saving a world that wasn't your own? That died and I was even brave enough to-” 

 

Kirk snaps his mouth closed, cutting himself off before he can finish. 

 

“We- we shall give you a minute.” Young Spock says, standing with the help of his bondmate. “Please make a decision quickly.” 

 

Everyone files out, until Spock and Jim are alone.

 

“Jim-”

 

“ _ No.  _ Hell no. You can't. I won't let you go out there and die.” Jim is being bitter, and selfish, but he can't help it. 

 

“Jim, there is a 19.84967 chance I will not die-”

 

“That's too low!”

 

“It is a rough estimate.”

 

“A rough estimate that you carried to the fifth decimal place, yeah right.”

 

“My math could be-”

 

“Damnit Spock I don't want  _ numbers! _ ” Jim snaps. He can't look at him. He's standing there, trembling. He's on the verge of tears. 

 

“Jim.” Spock’s voice is soft, and he gently brushes his fingers over Jim’s face. “Jim.  _ Ashal'veh _ . Look at me.” 

 

Jim does, and in his eyes he sees sincerity. “I will do everything in my power to return to you.”

 

Jim stares up at him. Then his hands go up, and they press to the back of his neck. He brings Spock forward and stands on his toes-

 

Their mouths meet, and Jim squeezes his eyes shut. He can feel the tears leaking from the corners of them. 

 

Spock kisses him back. It's hardly a chaste goodbye kiss- it's pleading, begging, it's everything. 

 

Jim pulls away and stays on his toes to press their foreheads together 

 

“You can’t die.” 

 

“Jim-”

 

“No, you listen to me. You  _ won't  _ die. Because you're my first officer and I know you. You're the best officer in the fleet, you  _ will not  _ die. That's an order mister.” Spock opens his mouth to respond, but Jim hushes him “but more importantly, you can't die. Not until you marry me.” 

 

Spock’s eyes widen. “Jim-” he whispers 

 

“Marry me, Spock.” Jim whispers “marry me. In the human way, bond with me in the Vulcan way. Be with me forever Spock.” 

 

“Forever.” Spock agrees. And then he leans in and kisses Jim. 

 

They pull apart again, and Spock raises a brow at him “does tradition not dictate that one proposes with a ring?”

 

“Come back, and I’ll buy you the best ring in the galaxy.” Jim promises. 

 

It is enough. 

 

* * *

 

_? _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ He is reaching. He is waiting.  _ **_Hewantsout_ ** _ he is scared he can not breathe.  _

 

_ Someone pull him out of this coldness and into warmth and please please please  _ **_spock-_ **

 

**_Spock Spock Spock, come back. Come to him. Spock._ **

 

**_Spockspockspockahsayamt'hy'la_ **

 

**_T’hy’la_ **

 

**_T_ **

**_‘_ **

**_H_ **

**_Y_ **

**_‘_ **

**_L_ **

**_A_ **

 

**_Please_ **

 

**_…_ **

 

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_..._ **

 

_ Take my hand.  _

 

_ I am here. _

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

When their sheilds start to collapse, Jim faces a whole new set of problems. 

 

They cannot stay here for long, this needs to end. 

 

They shot off the other Spock 13 minutes ago and he went silent 5 minutes ago. Kirk hasn't relaxed. 

 

“Kirk…” Jim mumbles 

 

“No. He’ll come back. He has to.” 

 

His own Spock insists on staying on the bridge, despite everyone's protests and the fact that he is barely sitting up in his chair. He insists despite the fact that he is still bleeding. Jim knows it is useless to dissuade him. 

 

_ ‘I am fine.’ _

 

_ ‘Liar.’ _

 

_ ‘I have worried you.’ _

 

_ ‘You terrified me.’ _

 

_ ‘My counterpart will be fine.’ _

 

_ ‘I hope your right.’  _

 

Another 7 minutes pass, it has been 20. 

 

10 more minutes in space, and Spock is dead. No one survives a half hour in space. 10 more minutes and Jim can not justify staying. 

 

The message is garbled, the voice is weak. 

 

_ “-Mr. Scott NOW!”  _

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

It ends. 

 

It ends before more lives are lost than saved. It ends. 

 

Everyone thinks,  _ they did it _ . 

 

James Kirk has never let him down. He has done it again 

 

Spock’s head feels like it has a spike in it. There is a strange feeling in his stomach. 

 

But there is work to be done. Like always, he reverts to  _ the needs of the many _ . 

 

It ends, but Spock has the strange feeling something has just begun.

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

Kirk gets there before anyone else does. 

 

There, collapsed on the transporter pad is two figures. One of them is wearing a suit, the other isn't. One is breathing fine, like he is asleep. The other is struggling. 

 

Kirk falls to his knees next to the struggling figure and pulls off his helmet. 

 

Spock takes in deep gasps of air, coughing and trying to figure out how to breathe again. He is breathing. He is beautiful. 

 

Kirk pulls him up close to him, leaning in to kiss his brow. “Spock.” He whispers “Spock.” 

 

“... What the hell?” 

 

Kirk looks up, the other figure is sitting up, awake. 

 

They stare at each other with identical eyes. 

 

“Well.” Says Admiral James T. Kirk. “I'm not in the nexus. I must be alive.” He smirks “I may as well be Sisyphus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KIRK PRIME IS IN THE HOUSE WOOOO
> 
>  
> 
> I apologize for all the POV changes. A lot happens at the climax.
> 
>  
> 
> I shoved like a whole bunch of references to The Wrath of Khan and Search for Spock in this chapter because why not? In the last line when Kirk prime says he may as well be Sisyphus, that's an allusion to Greek mythology. Sisyphus was a king who escaped death several times and was punished by being forced to push a huge rock up a hill only to watch it roll back down for all eternity. It's a classic Tartarus punishment man. 
> 
>  
> 
> I really like Greek mythology okay? I feel like admiral Kirk would totally say that and it's my favorite line of this chapter


	10. Stars Can Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The storm has ended, and James is free. 
> 
> what now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh Admiral Kirk is my fav oh my god I love kirk prime, He's such a sweetheart. 
> 
> Dedicated to........................................ Bonesy Boo

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

“So let me get this straight.” The admiral says, sitting up on his biobed. 

 

He points to the Kirk with hazel eyes, who’s sitting in a chair next to his Spock, who’s sitting on a biobed. “you’re me when I was in my early 30s and on my first five year mission. You’re Spock when he was in his thirties and my first officer. Spock's ambassadorial duties that come way later in his life mixed with his grief over my death- that's the theory anyway- lead him to go on a veritable suicide mission into the heart of an exploding sun which turns into a black hole and brings him here which brings me to you two-” 

 

He turns to the Kirk with blue eyes, who has curled up in a biobed with the youngest Spock. This one has entered a light healing trance, but is essentially cuddled up to his Kirk. 

 

“You are me but way younger with a lot more emotional baggage and  _ he  _ is Spock only his whole freaking planet got destroyed? And my Spock- the one I was married to when I quote unquote “died” - is over 150 years old and living on the Vulcan colony and he's essentially depressed?” James finished. “Did I get everything?” 

 

“Yep.” Jim said “I think so.” Kirk agreed. 

 

“... Okay.” James said. 

 

Jim blinked “well you took  _ that  _ easily.”

 

“Kid, I’ve seen some weird shit. I just came out of an energy ribbon that manipulated my memories and changed everything. I've literally beaten myself up, had my first officer’s brain stolen, kissed androids, and “beat the bad guy” by giving a speech on good old fashioned American values and on another occasion by making small children cry. This is hardly the weirdest situation I've ever been in. And that's not even diving into the tribble incident or the whales-” James snapped his head to Kirk “oh my god.  _ Whales _ . Just… Whales. You have some crazy stuff in your future. And you-” he looked at Spock “invest in rocket boots. It's a good idea.” 

 

Well, they looked confused.

 

“Ya know.” Jim said “the ambassador adamantly refuses to tell us stuff about our futures.” 

 

“Mm. Probably a good idea. I shouldn't ruin the surprises.” James hummed and leaned back against his pillow slightly “even the really shitty stuff eventually turned out alright.” 

 

“Even Khan?” Jim couldn't help asking. 

 

James’ eyes widened “definitely on the list of things we shouldn't talk about.” He glanced at Kirk, who frowned. 

 

“Jim.” Mumbled a new voice, weak and hushed “do not break the time stream continum. Wait a few days before sending us into our next life threatening situation if you please.” 

 

The blue eyed Jim shifted and reached down to tangle his hand with his Spock’s. “Spock. Hey you. Why are you out of your trance already? Sleep sweetheart.” He leaned down to kiss Spock’s brow, making Spock hum. “I wish to be awake.” Spock muttered “Fine. Here, let me help you-” 

 

James watched as the two young versions sat up together, their legs still tangled beneath the blankets.

 

“You’re already together then?” James asks “good. The more years you get the better.”

 

“Yeah. Selek- that's your Spock by the way- said the same thing when we bonded. He and Sarek were our witnesses.” 

 

James blinked “you mean you didn't tell Bones?” 

 

Jim paled slightly “we are… Getting there.” 

 

“I think you kinda forced yourself there with your little display on the bridge earlier.” Kirk comments “everyone saw that and I'm pretty sure you're gonna get bombarded when you leave sickbay.” 

 

Jim turned pink, and Spock flushed green. 

 

“... Oh god were dead men.” Jim said in horror “Bones is going to  _ kill us _ . He's an ordained minister and I didn't ask him to officiate or even participate. He's gonna actually murder us.”

 

“Jim.” Spock’s face is actually horrified as he looks up at his husband “you do not understand. We should not be afraid of the Doctor. He is sworn not to hurt us. We should be afraid of Nyota. She did not get to be my maid of honor.  _ we did not let Nyota plan our wedding _ . I when we broke up and became friends I promised her she could plan my wedding. She is going to be quite furious when she realizes I didn't invite her.”

 

“Oh god. We're dead. We're dead twice. Scotty won't be able to save us- Nyota is gonna kill you and Bones is gonna kill  _ me _ .” 

 

“We shall have to grovel for mercy.” Spock said seriously. 

 

“If we grovel, we grovel as men! And we grovel together! We approach them slowly and beg for forgiveness and if it doesn't work we die together, agreed?” Jim says, putting his hands on his hips like he's in captain mode. “Yes sir.” Spock agrees. 

 

James snorts. He can't help it. “You two are  _ adorable _ . Seriously. It's like watching 10 year olds in love.” 

 

“It's weird.” Kirk agrees. 

 

“So, what about you two?” James asks “I know you're together- I remember that clearly- but did you tell the crew yet?” 

 

Kirk shakes his head “but I think we kinda got engaged earlier, so we’ll probably tell them when we get back.”

 

“We did not  _ kinda  _ get engaged. We did get engaged.” Spock says from next to Kirk. “And telling the crew would be prudent.” 

 

“Did me and Spock get engaged in another universe?” James muttered aloud “I can't quite remember. I vaguely remember meeting a me with blue eyes but it feels like a dream I had a century ago-” James blinks “which in a way it kinda  _ was _ . God a  _ century _ . All my friends must be dead at this point.” 

 

“Selek mentioned that earlier.” Jim said “he said he managed to make it to each of their sides except Bones and yours and Chekov’s I think” 

 

James flinched at that “... You really think he's depressed?”

 

“I had a conversation with him this morning.” Kirk said “he openly admitted that if he hadn't promised you he would live he wouldn't. He said that if no one had come to him during his time he would have let the fire take him.” 

 

“What are you-” Jim muttered “all in due time  _ ashayam _ .” Spock replied softly. Jim blinks. Then shrugs “yeah. the first thing the ambassador said when he met me-” he bit his lip “the first thing he asked was how I found him-” Jim shook his head “I asked him about it a year or so later, and he admitted to a brief slip in his logic- with all the emotionally compromising events of the day, he thought I was his Jim. He thought that against all odds he-  _ you  _ had come to bring him home.” 

 

“Jesus.” James whispered “Jesus Christ-” he shook his head “I have to see him.”

 

“We’re en route to New Vulcan.” Jim said, then hesitated “... Did you by any chance give him a necklace before you left somewhere once?” “It was a holo-emitter.” Kirk added.

 

James’ eyes widened “I gave that to him before I went on the mission where I first died.” He whispered. 

 

“Oh… Oh shit.” Kirk ran a hand through his hair “shit. He's carrying the last message you ever said to him around his neck.”

 

“Last message from you, last thing he has from his universe, last image of you- god. That necklace gets sadder and sadder.” Jim said, shaking his head. 

 

“He still  _ has it _ ?”

 

“Uh,  _ yeah _ . He cries over it.”

 

James swore. 

 

“I must admit captain. I am in used to hearing such strong language from you.” Spock- Kirk’s Spock- mutters. 

 

James blinks, then snorts. 

 

“Oh darling.” He says “you have so much ahead of you.”

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

When they beamed down, the crew of the original enterprise had their doctor waiting for them. 

 

“Jesus Mary Joseph.” McCoy said “There's three of you. God save me.” 

 

James grinned, fighting laughter. Seeing his old friend- so  _ young _ \- made him really happy. He had missed his friends just as much as he missed Spock. He let McCoy scan him, humming and bouncing slightly. 

 

Spock. He would get to see Spock soon. 

 

“So you're the ambassador’s Jim?” McCoy asked. “Sure am!” James chirped proudly. “I really wanna see him so if we could hurry this up-”

 

“I’ll release you when I'm damn well ready to. The ambassador’s lived 156 years he can a few more minutes.” 

 

“156 years and he's probably still gorgeous.” James said dreamily. 

 

McCoy blinked, then gave the admiral a strange look “you feeling okay, Jim?”

 

“I'm amazing. I've just missed my husband.” 

 

He felt eyes on him at that, and then blinked as he realized what he just said “oh. Wait. Fuck. You all don't know yet.” He looked at Kirk and Spock. Kirk had his head in his hands. “If it's any consolation, no one cares. Not even the admiralty.” James said. 

 

“Really?” Kirk mumbled, peeking between his fingers 

 

“Why would I lie to myself?” James grinned at him “trust me. He's the best decision I've ever made.” He laughed a little as Spock flushed green ever so slightly, and then glanced at McCoy. The doctor was staring at his captain with a look of wonder “I would say it's about time.” McCoy said “but you wanna tell me why  _ you didn't tell me _ ?”

 

“... Well. Ah… Spock why didn't we tell the good doctor?” 

 

“I believe the human phrase is “you are on your own”, captain.” 

 

Kirk shot him a half glare. “Traitor.”

 

“Hardly.” Spock said, looking miffed. Somehow, the arm he had in a sling (apparently, James had dislocated his shoulder when Spock pulled him out of the nexus) made the look even more affronted. 

 

McCoy pressed his hands to his temples “you know what? Talk later.” He turned to Jim and Spock. Spock was pale, and still was using Jim for support.  McCoy took one look at them, and then said “you two better have alcohol as a peace offering when you tell other me.” He said “a mint julep.” 

 

Jim turned pink and nodded. 

 

“Alright I think you're good enough to be released- but for god's sake take it easy. Don't be a hero for a while, we have the whole crew of the enterprise wandering around to do rebuilding. Just go to your ambassador.” McCoy’s hard look softened into something akin to pity “if you're what's made him so damn sad, he needs it.” 

 

James swallowed and nodded. He was worried- from the sounds of it Spock had been struggling with out him. He remembered how he was after Khan happened- if Spock had coped even half as well it would be bad.

 

“Selek didn't wanna stop helping people. After he fell for the 16th time, I sent him home. Make sure he meditates if he isn't already.” McCoy shook his head “really. 156 years old and it takes me threatening to knock him out to get him to sit down and not hurt himself.” 

 

“He's hasn't changed.” James said, sounding dopely in love no doubt. He really couldn't help it when it came to Spock. 

 

“Jesus Christ.  _ Go _ . Before I give all of you a full physical.”

 

“You're the best Bones!” 

 

Jim led the way to Selek’s house- he’d mentioned earlier that they were pretty close friends and had told them about the mind meld (mind dump, he had called it) and James had teased him. 

 

When Jim had gone to defend himself, James had laughed.

 

“Kid.” He said “take it from me. My husband  _ liked _ you. So much that chose you to basically drop nearly a hundred years of emotional baggage onto. If he trusts you that much, then I trust you too.”

 

It had made this Jim smile. 

 

(James gazed into his eyes, and they were blue. He wondered idly what this kid had gone through- you could see in his posture it was more than most.)

 

Spock’s house was large, and James almost laughed when he saw the dying flowers outside. Spock had never been good at gardening, but Jim had happily maintained flowers at both their homes- to the point of calling his iowan neighbors and begging them to go and cover his petunias during bad storms. James won prizes for his flowers (he learned from sulu). 

 

In a way, Spock's attempt was touching.

 

In another, it was heartbreaking. 

 

Jim had gone in first, helping Spock up the porch. James was right behind them, and the other two were behind him. 

 

“Hey old man! You here?” Jim had called, going into the living room-

 

And James saw him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how this is gonna go over with poor selek... ;)
> 
> God my progression from having a plan to frantically uploading everything because i can't contain myself is hilarious


	11. The Pain of Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selek's pain comes to a head, and this is all James can do to keep his husband from self destructing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS MY FAV CHAPTER (this and the next two)
> 
> Dedicated to anyone who's written this reunion scene. To you, I present my reunion.

_ New Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

The first thing he notices is that Spock has shrunk in his old age.

 

It's not his fault, Jim knows. It's simply something that happens when people age. Instead of towering over him by five inches, Spock has maybe an inch on him now.

 

His hair is what he notices next. It's completely silver, not a strand of black. He felt a pang of guilt when he realized that he hadn't been there to relentlessly tease him over each hair. Spock’s hair had been completely black when he left- he’d aged without him. 

 

Spock’s back was turned when Jim went in, so he couldn't see his face. The next thing he saw were Spock’s hands. They were old, and wrinkled and thin. He could see every ligament and muscle in those hands. He loved those hands. He flushed softly when remembered what those fingers tasted like when he sucked on them. 

 

And then, Spock turned around. 

 

His face was covered in wrinkles. There were dips and lines. His eyes had crows feet, and there was a crease in his forehead that had deepened from too much frowning and stress. Jim's eyes went on a frantic search for laugh lines- any indicator that Spock still had happiness in him. They were there, but they were faint. 

 

And then, he saw his eyes 

 

Deep, Milky brown. The color of chocolates. Long, thick eyelashes. Those eyes were the key to  _ Spock _ \- they grew dark when he was sad, and turned nearly black when he was angry. When he was aroused his pupils went wide and his eyes went wider- he had a virgin’s eyes. When he was happy, they gleamed. They sparkled when he got excited and no one could convince Jim otherwise.

 

There was no gleam, no sparkle. Jim realized in that moment that his other selves were right- he was sad. So sad. Depressed even. Spock hadn't been happy in years. 

 

Jim would wager he hadn't been happy since he had died. 

 

And then, those  _ beautiful _ eyes saw him. 

 

He took in all of Spock in that moment- the skinny body, the less than perfect posture that indicated weariness and pain, the wrinkled face, and the eyes. Those tired brown eyes. 

 

They filled with hope, and wonder and love,  _ so much love _ .

 

Jim felt his own tears welling up. 

 

“Hey gorgeous.” He whispered. 

 

Spock stared- and then his gaze slammed shut. His mouth fell into a grim line. His eyes showed nothing but  _ pain _ .

 

“I do not know what type of alien you are.” Spock said, voice quivering with fury. “But you will leave my house.  _ Now. _ ” 

 

Jim felt his heart break. Of course Spock wouldn't believe it was him, Spock thought Jim was dead. He’d left Spock all alone for probably about 100 years. 

 

He decided then and there that Spock would not be alone again. 

 

“Spock.” Jim said, moving a step closer “Spock sweetheart it's me.” 

 

“I will not fall for your lies. Leave. Now.” Spock’s voice was hard, and his eyes were dark with fury and  _ grief _ . So much grief. “Do you not speak standard? I speak other languages. Leave.”

 

“Spock. Come on.  _ T’hy’la-” _

 

_ “Do not call me that! _ ” Spock snapped “you are not my  _ T’hy’la _ \- do not lie! Leave my house  _ now _ -!” Tears were swimming in Spock’s eyes, and Jim felt guilt swim in his gut as he watched how emotionally compromised he was becoming at this. He owed Spock a lot of apologies ( _ and kisses  _ he thought idly. He probably hasn't received any kisses in nearly a century. That must be corrected immediately) 

 

“No. I won't do that darling.” Jim said, taking another step closer. He was next to the younger Jim, who was watching wearily. “I'm not leaving. I'm never going to leave you alone again. I swear it.” 

 

Spock was trembling now. He didn’t respond. Jim kept talking. 

 

“I know you. I know you because I was in your head for years. I was there because you married me. I married you. I  _ love  _ you. You're my husband. I'm your  _ T’hy’la- _ ”

 

“Enough!” Spock's voice cracked “Enough! Whatever you are, you are a liar. Do you understand? Are you punishing me? What did I do to you in the past that makes you wish to hurt me so? Are you aware of the  _ pain _ -” his eyes snapped to the younger Jim, accusing now. “ _ What have you brought here? _ !” 

 

“Spock…” Jim pursed his lips for a moment, and then looked at him. “My name is Jim, remember? That was the first thing you said to me after the Genesis incident. It was the first thing you remembered. You remembered my name before your own.”

 

“You are not James Kirk.” Spock insisted, backing up slightly “you are not. I felt James Kirk die.  _ Twice _ . I know several James Kirks and while you are an impressive facsimile it is impossible for you to be the one who was  _ mine _ . I will ask once again-  _ leave _ .”

 

“I'm sorry.” Jim said “I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave you like that. You know that. You… You…” Jim’s eyes fell on the pendant. “You… You once said my first best destiny was to be a captain of a starship.” He said. 

 

His heart nearly shattered when he saw the painful look in Spock’s eyes. “No, do not-”

 

“If that's true” Jim pressed on “then your is to be by my side. If there's any logic to the universe, we’ll end up on that ship again someday.” 

 

Spock squeezed his eyes shut, backing up until he bumped the counter. 

 

“Face it sweetheart. For people like us…” Jim took another step closer “the journey itself… Is home.” He whispered. 

 

Spock’s eyes flew open, and his hand connected with Jim’s cheek with a painful  _ smack _ . He felt his jaw pop out of place for a moment before it slid back into its joint. 

 

_ Ow _ .

 

He didn't let himself dwell on it as he avoided the hand going to pinch the nerve in his shoulder. He back pedaled, and Spock threw a fork at him. He dodged- and it lodged in the wall. If that had hit him, it would have ended up in his eye. Spock was  _ mad- _

 

Jim put up his hands in a show of surrender “okay okay!” He said “I give!” 

 

He used to say the same thing when he would surrender when they sparred. It made Spock pause. 

 

He kept one hand in the air like he was placating a wild beast. The other came to rub his cheek “okay. Okay. I deserved that. I'm sorry.” 

 

“You will not stand there and quote his last words to me. Leave.” Spock was practically growling at this point, and under different circumstances it would have made Jim shiver. 

 

“Oh god, your still sexy sounding when you're mad. You're going to literally be the death of me.” Jim mumbled, babbling slightly. 

 

Spock  _ did  _ growl this time, and took a step forward. 

 

“Whoa whoa whoa  _ stand down Jesus Spock _ \- just, look at me. Look at me.”

 

“I am. It is quite painful.” Spock muttered, his voice just sounded desperate now. 

 

“I'm sorry- I'm so sorry I've caused you so much pain. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am- wait. I can show you.” The idea smacked Jim like a sack of bricks. “That's it!” He lowered his hands and looked at Spock “meld with me! Let me prove I am who I say I am. You can see my memories, see our bond. I’ll show you.”

 

“I… No. You… You are not James. Leave!” Spock was fighting hope, Jim could see it. 

 

“Oh come on! Let me prove myself to you. Please Spock?” His voice went soft. “Please. Let me prove it.”

 

“James Kirk is dead. And if he wasn't, he would be in the nexus.” Spock said suddenly, and Jim felt his heart clench. 

 

Oh god. If Spock knew about the nexus… 

 

“Spock.” Jim said softly “how much do you know about the nexus?” 

 

“It shows you a paradise of your making.” Spock said “a perfect life. If he was in there, he would be in a veritable personal heaven. With…” Spock's eyes flashed-  _ jealousy. Pain-  _  “with  _ Antonia _ .” Spock’s voice dripped with malice when he said her name.

 

Jim cringed “oh god. Who told you about Antonia?” 

 

“Captain Picard. When he told me he died.” 

 

_ ‘Geez Picard doesn't beat around the bush’  _ Jim thought, wincing. (The image of Picard saying “oh yeah your husband is either dead or with a woman” makes Jim flinch) “Spock. She wasn't real. The nexus couldn't copy real people I think- so it couldn't give me you. It gave me what it thought I would want.” Jim’s voice softened again “there  _ is  _ no paradise without you. You know that.” He knew he probably looked helpless at this point. He  _ needed  _ Spock to believe him. “Spock, sweetheart, don't you remember anything I ever told you?”

 

“I remember everything my husband told me.” Spock said, eyes judging. The implied  _ and you are not my husband  _ made Jim’s heart break. 

 

“Then you also remember that I'm a human male who has a dick.” Jim said “the nexus saw that and thought I would want a beautiful woman as my paradise and changed my memory so that was what I thought I wanted to. It didn't see that the one person I wanted to care about said dick was a male and it couldn't create  _ you  _ anyway. But I got pulled out of the nexus- and almost destroyed your colony here when I did. Spock, I don't want Antonia. I never wanted Antonia.” His eyes were begging Spock to believe him. “I want you. Forever. That's why I married you.” 

 

“Even if that were true-”

 

“ _ It is _ .”

 

“Even if it  _ were _ ” Spock continued “he would never want me  _ now _ .” Spock looked… Sad now. Sad and old and lonely. This was the Spock who had survived years without anyone. This was the Spock who hid his pain. This was a shell of his Spock. 

 

“And why wouldn't I?” Jim asked, voice soft. He lowered his hands slowly. 

 

“I have taken other partners-” Spock said.

 

“You took them because if you didn't you would have  _ died _ . You promised me you would live after I died, remember? I do. You're not allowed to feel guilty over your biology.” Jim insisted. 

 

Spock looked affronted “I… I was not there when Jim died. I promised him he would not be alone and yet both times-”

 

“Oh no.  _ No no no _ don't you dare beat yourself up over that.”

 

“I should have-”

 

“ _ No _ . I didn't even die! I'm right here! And I still want you, no matter your protests.” Jim insisted. He was moving closer again, and Spock hadn't noticed. 

 

“But I… I let Romulus be destroyed. I destroyed my own planet-”

 

“Okay, I don't even know the specifics of that situation and I can tell you with 100% certainty that it isn't your fault.” Jim said. He was standing so close to him now. 

 

“But I…” Spock looked up at him “I am  _ old _ -” 

 

Jim couldn't help it, he laughed. 

 

“Seriously? All those years of telling me that no matter how old I get you’ll think I'm amazing and that's what you go for? Come off it, you're beautiful darling.” 

 

Spock was staring at him now. There was no more anger, just sadness. Sadness, confusion, pain… And hope. 

 

“Spock.” Jim whispered “I… God the worst part is I can't even fault you for not believing me. I wouldn't either.” Jim said “my god I love you. If you forgive me after I made you think I was dead, I’ll be the luckiest guy in the world.” 

 

Spock stared at him some more, his eyes had almost a distant look to them. 

 

“Why captain,” Spock whispered “you almost make me believe in luck.”

 

Jim’s face broke into a wide smile. “Why Mr. Spock. You almost make me believe in miracles.” 

 

Jim reached down and wrapped his fingers around Spock’s wrist. Spock trembled- no doubt feeling the emotions from their contact. 

 

“You're my miracle, Spock.” Jim said softly. 

 

Spock responded by lifting his hand. His fingers fell into position. 

 

“My mind to your mind.” Spock said softly “my thoughts to your thoughts.”

 

_ We are one _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is super dooper fun, be ready ;D


	12. The Star's tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is their story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> There's some sexual content in this chapter, just a warning. 
> 
> (dedicated to the Vulcan mind meld)

_ They are on Vulcan. Their Vulcan. The same place where Spock had “killed” Jim a few years ago. They are standing together. They are smiling. They are in love. They are happy. They are happy.  _

 

_ They are bonded. They are married.  _

 

* * *

 

_ They’ve had so many adventures together. They’ve lived so long. And now they're an admiral, Spock is a captain. They lost Spock not too long ago. Spock can feel their pain. Their together again now. They have just stepped off of the enterprise for what might be the last time.  _

 

_ “What now?” Jim asks _

 

_ “We live.” Spock responds.  _

 

_ Spock can feel Jim’s warmth in the memory as Jim remembers Spock’s love.  _

 

_ “As long as we're together” _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim is an admiral, Spock is a teacher. They switch their time between a San Francisco apartment during the fall and winter and the Iowa farmhouse in the summer when Spock does not have school.  _

 

_ Jim gardens in his free time and wins awards for his flowers. Spock loves to cook and neither of them can bake. One memorable winter they go back to Iowa for Christmas and Spock nearly freezes his ears off.  _

 

_ They remember all their moments together- the good and the bad.  _

 

_ There is sadness, there is hope.  _

 

* * *

 

_ It is the eve of Spock’s 75th birthday. Jim is 72 and slowly turning grey.  _

 

_ Spock is in Jim’s lap, bouncing with vigor as Jim bucks his hips to meet his husband’s bouncing with his own thrusts. Spock is pressed against Jim’s chest, and Jim is vigorously sucking a bruise on to Spock’s neck. _

 

_ ‘Weeks’ Jim thinks ‘I want this to last for weeks. I want there to be a mark there when I get back.’ Because Jim has a possessive streak that can almost match Spock’s, and he knows that with all the contact Spock can hear him.  _

 

_ (Little known to them at the time, Jim would be gone for much longer than a few weeks and the bruise would be long faded)  _

 

_ Spock laughs between his groans as Jim abuses his prostate, whimpering when he feels Jim’s possessiveness.  _

 

_ “Yours.” Spock manages without stuttering. “Forever.”  _

 

_ Jim squeezes him tighter, and moves his hips just right-  _

 

_ Spock screams as he comes, near tears from all the sensations he's getting. Jim finally pulls away from his neck to shove him back onto the bed to kiss him. “I love you.” Jim whispers “I love you so much. So so so much. I love you. I love you. I love you, Spock. I love you.”  _

 

_ Spock melds them, their minds entertaining as their bodies do, and Jim comes with declarations of love on his lips.  _

 

_ They pull apart, and Jim lays down next to Spock. Spock turns on his side to look at him, and Jim smiles.  _

 

_ “I love you.” Jim repeats _

 

_ “And I you.” Spock responds. _

 

_ Jim kisses his forehead “happy birthday.” He whispers.  _

 

_ “It is illogical to celebrate something you had no involvement in.” Spock says, and Jim laughs. “Oh god, I hope I had no involvement in it. That would make this really weird.”  _

 

_ Spock made a face, and Jim laughs again. “We should go clean up.” Spock said. Jim shrugged “I dunno. I kinda like having my cum in you.”  _

 

_ Spock gave him a look and Jim laughed before kissing his nose. “You gonna go shower?” _

 

_ Spock responded by getting up and walking into the bathroom. Jim watched him go, grinning when he saw the green scratch marks on his back.  _

 

_ He waited until he heard the shower start before he reached over to the night table and pulled out his birthday present for Spock. He would leave it on the night stand when he left the next morning. He stood, pulling on a shirt and pants before going out onto the balcony of their apartment _

 

_ He hummed and flipped the record switch, thinking about what he would say. _

 

_ “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear spo-ock…”  _

 

* * *

 

_ And here, the memories split. _

 

* * *

 

_ Spock sees Jim on the enterprise B when her hull breaches. He feels his panic, and he mentally whimpers when Jim screams Spock’s name before all the air gets sucked out and Jim can scream no more. _

 

_ ‘I should have been there’ he thinks as he views the memory.  _

_ ‘I'm glad you weren’t’ Jim responds  _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim sees Spock as he sits in their apartment, reading and planning a special dinner for when Jim returns. He notices Spock finger the necklace he had been left. He feels his husbands pain when the bond snaps, and feels for him when he screams.  _

 

_ ‘I would have loved that dinner you were planning.’ Jim thinks, like that would make anything better.  _

_ ‘I did not want to live’ Spock thinks. ‘I wished for the bond to take me as well.’  _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim watches as Spock grieves. He sees Bones comfort him. He watches as Spock sits in their kitchen after 2 weeks- he is curled up on the floor. He has received a flag from starfleet this day- the same flag they send to all widows and widowers of starfleet. He is sitting on their kitchen floor sobbing and begging for the universe to bring Jim back.  _

 

_ ‘I wanted to be with you. Even when I didn't remember I did.’ Jim thinks. _

_ ‘I know’ Spock responds _

 

* * *

 

_ Spock watches as Jim saves everyone with Picard. He watches Jim die, watches as he begs Picard to find Spock and tell him he loved him. Watches as Spock is Jim’s last thought.  _

 

_ ‘I didn't die.’ Jim thinks ‘I went back into the nexus.’  _

_ Spock is quiet.  _

 

* * *

 

_ Picard tells him of Jim’s death. After he leaves, Spock destroys his office. He flings things off the walls and rips things to shreds. He doesn't care anymore because his husband had been alive and could have been saved and now it was too late. Spock feels guilty and sad and again wishes he hadn't made that promise to Jim that he would live after he died.  _

 

_ Jim is silent as he watches Spock fall apart. ‘God I wish I was there’ Jim thinks. _

_ ‘I wish you had been there as well’ Spock thinks sadly.  _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim witnesses Spock’s visit to his grave. He has nothing to say. He can not blame his husband for wishing to follow him. He can not help. _

 

_ “I feel I should apologize” Spock thinks “for not being there. I swore you would _

_ Not die alone.” _

_ “Don't apologize for that.” _

_ “Then I apologize for this grave. It is hardly the grand memorial you were worthy of.”  _

_ Jim laughs, and he can feel Spock’s happiness when he realizes it's the same sound it used to be _

 

* * *

 

_ Chekov dies first, a victim of a shooting as he did his diplomatic duties as a captain. It is horribly ironic that their youngest is the first to die other than Jim. _

_ Spock is there when Sulu and Demora get the news, and he comforts them as best he can. Sulu falls apart as  he clutches the flag he was brought. Spock is there, and it is enough.  _

 

_ ‘Demora went on to be a very powerful captain.’  _

_ ‘I knew she would. She's just like her parents even if she isn't their blood’ Jim thinks _

 

* * *

 

_ Leonard dies next, and Jim cries over the memory mentally just as Spock does in the actual memory.  _

 

_ ‘He cared deeply for you.’ _

_ ‘And you’ _

 

* * *

 

_ Spock goes to Nyota when she is dying, and holds her hand as they speak for hours on end. They talk about the ship, about Sulu and Chekov and Leonard And Scotty and Jim. She tells Spock that her biggest regret was that she never got any children. She tells Spock her greatest achievement is that she got to meet James Kirk.  _

 

_ ‘I'm flattered’ Jim thinks. _

_ ‘Your crew loved you’ _

_ ‘My first officer especially did’  _

_ ‘He never stopped .’ _

 

* * *

 

_ Sulu goes next, and Spock is there for him as well. Sulu promises he’ll tell Jim hello for Spock, and when he dies his last words are of Pavel and how excited he is to see him again.  _

_ Sulu leaves Spock some of his plants, and like Jim’s they don't live long.  _

 

_ ‘You never had a green thumb’ _

_ ‘Actually, my thumbs are greener than yours’ _

_ ‘Gosh you're starting to sound like yourself again. It's beautiful.’ _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim watches Spock accept his mission to Romulus, and he watches as Spock flies into the black hole. He intends to die and join his friends, Jim knows.  _

 

_ ‘I wish you hadn't taken the mission.’ _

_ ‘I do to. Sometimes’ _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim watches Vulcan get destroyed. _

_ There are no words. _

 

* * *

 

_ Jim watches the younger Jim's come into Spock’s life, and hates them for causing him pain.  _

 

_ ‘You are being overprotective. They are yourself, do not hate them.’  _

_ ‘I hate anyone who causes you pain. I hate myself for causing you pain’ _

_ ‘Please do not’ _

 

* * *

 

_ He watches Jim fight the nexus, and meets Antonia. _

 

_ ‘I fought to get back to you’ _

_ ‘I am honored.’  _

_ ‘What else would I do?’  _

 

* * *

 

_ They are together _

 

* * *

 

_ The bond is sore from being dormant for so long, and when Spock and Jim find it, there are no words. The two ends are like two ends of a frayed rope. Only they are sentient- when they see each other they run at one another. They intertwine.  _

 

_ Jim and Spock could not stop the bond from reforming if they wanted to.  _

 

_ It blooms in their heads, and Spock feels as if he's getting a long lost limb back.  _

 

_ The constant ache that has been in his head for years is gone, and Spock is relieved. The constant stream of emotion is familiar and new. And it's amazing and wonderful and Spock is sure he is crying and then it's muchsomuchtoomuch _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHH I HAVE DEVOLVED INTO FLUFF
> 
> this is literally my favorite thing i have ever written


	13. Stars Reunite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are together again, now what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't read this without grinning like a maniac
> 
> Dedicated to Nyota the queen of the enterprise

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~  _

 

Spock falls out of the meld position when his knees give out. 

 

His body is old, and it reacts to getting its other half back by collapsing in a heap. He pulls away from Jim, not able to touch anything right now. His shields are simply  _ gone  _ and everything is a whirlwind. He hears one of the two Jim Kirks-  _ no wait there's three three Jim Kirks one of them is  _ **_yours_ ** _ \-  _ say something about getting doctor McCoy only to have another-  _ his his  _ **_his_ ** _ \-  _ Jim shoot the idea down saying to just give him a minute. 

 

The world is swirling around him, but Spock is not dizzy. His mind is glowing, and he feels like he's 35 again- young and in love and newly wed and the first officer of a ship under the greatest captain in starfleet. (Although he may be biased) 

 

And then, a hand. Warm fingers brush against his cheek, and all his focus goes to that one point. 

 

“Spock” James whispers, and the world suddenly comes into abrupt clarity. 

 

Spock gasps and his hand comes up to grab Jim’s wrist to hold it where it was against his cheek. Jim’s thumb brushes over his cheek again and Spock realizes he's wiping away tears. 

 

“Jim.” Spock mutters. He looked up and his eyes lock with hazel-  _ hazel not blue _ \- eyes and familiar lines and wrinkles and its  _ him _ . It's his husband. 

 

Spock sobs as he never has before. He bows his head and sobs, hands clutching Jim’s wrists and shoulders trembling as he kneels in his kitchen and cries like a child for not the first time in his life (but last time Jim had been dead and now he was  _ alive _ what an interesting and ironic juxtaposition)

 

“Spock. Spock…” Jim presses his lips to Spock’s forehead and Spock hasn't received a kiss from anyone since Jim died- he never let anyone kiss him. Not even his mother kissed his cheek after Jim died. Spock lets out another sob.

 

“Hey. Hey it's okay now. I'm here. I'm never leaving you again.” Jim swears “I'm right here. I love you. I love you. Spock. Spock look at me- hey, hey beautiful. Hey. Hey…” he kept whispering those damnable sweet nothings, lips pressed into Spock’s hairline. 

 

Affection floods his mind-  _ the bond _ . Spock realizes it- it's strong. It's been opened up and is working and strong and glowing. That only makes him cry harder because he never thought he would feel this again. He never thought he would be lucky like this again. 

 

“Spock. Honey I need you to breathe okay? I don't wanna have to call Bones.” Jim asks. Spock tries to take a deep breath to calm himself- but the inhale brings Jim’s scent and he never thought he would smell that again. He’d never found an equal to it. “Spock?” Jim asks softly. 

 

“I… You are real.” Spock manages. 

 

“Yeah. Yeah I'm real.” Jim says “I'm right here.” 

 

Spock’s sobs get heavier, and Jim guides his head to rest over the beating heart. 

 

“I… It is impossible-” 

 

“We are the bane of probability theory.” Jim agrees, and Spock almost laughs. Jim is smiling as Spock calms, Spock can tell from his voice. “now get up here and  _ kiss me  _ mister. I don't care if a fucking  _ battalion  _ of Klingons appear to watch.” 

 

Spock sits up and Jim presses his mouth to his and Spock can't focus on anything but the feeling of a mouth that is so familiar and a bond that is glowing with renewal. The world feels right, so incredibly right. He has his _T’hy’la_ back. 

 

Suddenly, Spock is struck with fear. 

 

He pulls away abruptly, eyes wide with illogical panic “I can not lose you again.” His grip tightens and he sees Jim wince “I will not- I will fight anyone who attempts to take you.” He declares, looking up at him with wide eyes. 

 

“No one is  _ gonna  _ take me from you. If they do, I won't go willingly.” Jim strokes Spock’s cheek again. “I'm yours, forever, okay?” 

 

Forever. Spock likes the sound of that. He bows his head again. His sobs have stopped, and he is breathing again but his whole conscious is on the warm hands on his back.

 

Spock sniffs. “I…” He looked up at Jim again, and he sees a deep bruise forming on Jim's cheek.

 

Spock’s face becomes one of horror.

 

“Hey hey hey- what's wrong?” Jim’s brow furrows.

 

“You came back from the dead and the first thing I did was  _ harm you _ .” Spock whispers in horror. “I attempted to put a fork in your eye.” 

 

Jim stares, and then laughs. 

 

Spock blinked “Jim. Domestic abuse is not a joke-”

 

And then, Jim kisses him again. The bond  _ sings _ . Spock pushes himself closer. He wants to be close to Jim, to be with him. Forever. 

 

Jim pulls away after a minute, and Spock spares a glance up at him. 

 

Jim chuckles again and kisses his nose “you're positively adorable.” 

 

“I am 156 years old. I am old and wrinkled and thin and completely unattractive-”

 

“So you're a shriveled old prune and I'm a chubby grandpa. We match.” Jim said, grinning  _ that  _ smile at him. The one that made Spock’s heart flutter in his chest. 

 

Spock stares for a moment, and then says “I hardly resemble a prune Jim.” 

 

Jim laughs again “there's my husband. I knew he was in there somewhere. Come on, let's get off the floor.” 

 

* * *

 

_ New Vulcan  _

 

_ ~ _

 

Soon, the two bridge crews of the enterprise are sitting in Selek’s living room again. 

 

Jim is sitting on a loveseat, his legs curled under him. Spock is sitting next to him, Jim’s hand is against his side where he can feel the thrumming heartbeat. 

 

Spock had insisted they step out during the admiral and Selek’s reunion, but Jim had been able to hear them. And watching them now, it was amazing the difference it made. 

 

There was a new light in Selek’s eyes as he moves about the kitchen, preparing a meal for everyone. Everyone has been given tea and coffee, and the admiral and Kirk are talking about some of their adventures- Selek and Spock and the other bridge crew of the enterprise occasionally chiming in something about the experience. The only two missing are the two doctors, who insisted on finishing with their patients before coming. 

 

“... So I find Spock hanging from a tree, a huge grin on his face, laughing and saying he didn't want to follow orders.” Kirk says “and it was literally the strangest thing ever.”

 

“He kept kissing Leila.” James chimes in “I was so  _ jealous _ .”

 

“Was I?”

 

“Uh,  _ yeah _ .”

 

“Oh. Yeah.”

 

Jim snorted at the blush on Kirk’s Spock’s cheeks. 

 

“Anyway I call up Bones and he's babbling on about mint juleps and suddenly the whole crew is beaming down to join the colony. I was so confused- and that was  _ before  _ those damn spores got me.” 

 

“Spores are always to blame.” James said “as a general rule. Like, as a note for the future. Just always blame the spores.” 

 

“James.” Said Selek, giving him the eyebrow. 

 

“What? I'm not spoiling anything for them!” The admiral insisted. “And it's not like it isn't true. Spores or something in the air or…” He trailed off when he saw the look Selek was giving him. “Okay fine I’ll keep quiet.” He put his hands up in surrender. “Although I did mention the whales earlier.” A smirk grew on the admiral’s face “or should I say “the hell your whales”?” 

 

The look Selek gave him made everyone chuckle. “Jim.” Said the old Vulcan “we should not tell them about their futures.” 

 

“I'm not!” 

 

“Lying to oneself is unbecoming admiral.” Selek said, coming into the living room. “Dinner will be ready in 20.341 minutes.” 

 

“Internal clock is still perfectly accurate I see?” The admiral teased, eyes shining.

 

“Indeed. I am old but not senile.” Selek said “despite what most seem to think.” 

 

“Nah you could never be senile.” 

 

“Oh my gosh, your flirting.” Nyota suddenly said “they're actually flirting.” She turned to glare at Jim’s Spock “how could you not tell me again? I don't remember your excuse.” 

 

“I am very sorry.” Spock said.

 

“And?”

 

“And I will never hide anything from you again.”

 

“ _And?_ ”

 

“You are the best communications officer in the fleet.” 

 

“You bet your pointed ears I am.” Nyota grinned and Uhura watched her in wonder. 

 

“She has you whipped.” Jim commented. Spock sighed and turned to bury his nose in Jim’s hair, and Jim smiled. 

 

_ ‘But you only take orders from me right?’ _

 

_ ‘Always captain.’  _

 

“Still though, It's so weird to actually see it happen.” Nyota said

 

“Well we’ve been married for… Spock?”

 

“106.784923 years.” Selek said “or negative 6 in this universe.” 

 

“That long.” James said “... Oh shit, I missed my anniversary. Several anniversaries. And birthdays. And Christmases.” He turned to look at Selek “sorry.” 

 

“It is not your fault  _ ashayam _ .” Selek said, coming to stand near him.

 

“How long has it been anyway?”

 

“81 years, 8 months. 3 weeks, a day, 15 hours, 43 minutes and- … 48, 49, 50, 51, 52-” 

 

“Jesus.” James muttered. He reached up and brushed his two fingers against Selek’s own, and the Vulcan hummed. 

 

Spock suddenly sat up straighter and tilted his head “... Captain?”

 

Jim looked up at him “hm?”

 

“Doctor McCoy has arrived.”

 

The door opened, and in walked the two Doctor McCoys, along with Scotty. 

 

Nyota smiled and popped up from her chair, going over to kiss both of her boyfriends on their cheeks. Bones smiled at her- and then he turned to Jim. And the smile turned dark. 

 

“... Hey Bones!” Jim’s voice was up an octave, he was sure. He felt himself squirm. 

 

“Jim.” Doctor McCoy said “When were you gonna tell me you got married?” 

 

“...” Jim stared at him for a moment. And then sprang from his seat and ran. 

 

“Jim get the hell back here you brat!” 

 

“Bones don't kill me!”

 

“I’ll do as I damn well please you asshole!” 

 

“It's insubordination to kill me!”

 

“ _ I don't care! _ ”

 

“Spock save me!” 

 

“Doctor I must ask you to refrain from killing the captain as it would result in jail time-  _ please do not break the ambassador’s things Jim-! _ ” 

 

Jim ran out of the house, with Bones hot on his tail. 

 

As he ran away from his friend, who was shouting obscenties at his back, he heard Selek sigh fondly and comment on how they never change. 

 

_ ‘But you love me anyway’  _

 

_ ‘Please do not get yourself killed by the doctor’ _

 

_ ‘I’ll try. No promises. If I die you're the captain.’ _

 

_ ‘I repeat my previous sentiment.’  _

 

_ ‘Yeah well- HOLY SHIT HES THROWING ROCKS’  _

 

“Doctor?” 

 

Jim looked over to see that Spock had gotten up from his chair to come outside and stop them. His face was oddly pale, and green in what was not his natural pallor. He looked like a breeze would tip him over.

 

“Doctor please stop attacking the captain.”

 

Bones’ eyes bugged a little “You almost died today. Who in the hell said you could get up?”

 

“Doctor.”

 

“Fine fine I won't kill Jim- now go sit back down!”

 

Jim came over and wrapped an arm around Spock’s waist to help him back over, and he swore he overheard Bones mumbling about how he should have known.

 

When they got back inside, his crew was clearly hiding their laughter. Pavel was beaming at them, and then he turned to Hikaru “pay up.” He said cheerfully. 

 

Hikaru pouted “that's just not fair.” 

 

“You had a  _ betting pool _ ?” Jim said, ludicrous. 

 

“O’ course we did!” Scotty said “haven’t ya seen dae way ya look at one anodder?” 

 

Jim huffed as he helped Spock sit back down. 

 

_ ‘Rude.’ _

 

_ ‘They are your bridge crew captain.’  _

 

_ ‘I know but they're still rude!’  _

 

Spock gave him a withering look, and Jim laughed, kissing his cheek. 

 

“Oh shit. Your cute.” Nyota muttered. 

 

Jim laughed again.

 

Kirk hummed as he watched them, eyes twinkling. He’d make sure to invite his crew to their wedding, now that that was happening. He was… Excited to say the least. 

 

Speaking of which.

 

“So wait- how do we get back to our universe?” He suddenly asked aloud. The mood in the room sobered as they all remembered exactly what they had come to new Vulcan for in the first place.

 

“Ya know, I've been racking my mind trying to think of a time when I met a younger me and Spock.” The admiral said “I can't remember one.”

 

“Neither can I, and my memory still has near perfect recall.” Selek said. “However, any other time when we were brought to another universe, we had to be in the same location we were brought to to return.”

 

“So we have to go back to those coordinates.” Jim said. “Not hard. Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu?”

 

“Easy captain!” “Not a problem keptin!” 

 

“See?” Jim grinned.

 

Kirk nodded “when can we leave?”

 

“Tomorrow morning. First thing.” Jim decided, the collective nods from around the room.

 

“I have not thanked you all yet.” Selek suddenly said softly “for returning my  _ t’hy’la  _ to me. I am most grateful.” 

 

Jim grinned “don't mention it. Universal constants, remember?”

 

Selek dipped his head “indeed.”

 

“Ya know.” Bones said “if you really wanna thank us, you can take a damn vacation. I've seen your work load and checked your hours- working twenty hours a day without breaks isn’t healthy!”

 

“You've been doing  _ what?! _ ” The admiral snapped his head to Selek, who looked sheepish. 

 

“I have been attempting to rebuild a civilization, while working with elders who do not necessarily trust me and people who are rather stubborn and do not trust outside help at the moment.” Selek tried to explain “I have simply been working.”

 

“Working yourself to the bone!” James’ eyes softened “Spock. When I said live I didn't mean survive on the minimum amount of food and rest.” Jim said softly “you're thin. And tired. When was the last time you got a good night's sleep?”

 

“81 years ago.” Selek said immediately, turning to go back to the kitchen “I have not had a good reason to take better care of myself.” 

 

James winced “yeah. I get it.” He suddenly sat up a bit straighter, and his eyes brightened “so your gonna take a vacation to get you back to health!” He said cheerfully.

 

Selek blinked at him “James I cannot leave. Not now. I have many experiments-”

 

“Other people can do them!”

 

“Council duties-”

 

“ _ Sarek  _ can do them.”

 

“Many buildings got destroyed in the storm-”

 

“And  _ you're  _ gonna rebuild them? Honey you're 156.”

 

“Why does everyone feel the need to comment on that?” Selek muttered, crouching to check on his food. 

 

“Is that the Vulcan version of “quit calling me old?”” Bones asked, and Jim nodded at him enthusiastically.

 

“Spock, your 156 and arthritic and you've probably worked every day for 81 years. Take a vacation with me.” He made a pouting face that Jim knew Spock couldn't resist “ _ please _ ?”

 

“...” Selek stared at him for a moment, then signed “you are quite childish considering that you are 73 James.” He said dryly

 

“So that's a yes?”

 

“... I suppose a vacation would not be without benefits-”

 

“Ha!” James grinned. His eyes were twinkling. Selek practically glared at him. “You take much joy out of changing my mind.” He commented “old habit.” James teased, grinning. 

 

“Must I remind you that you single handedly set the Vulcan race back approximately 7.3428 months today?” Selek said, raising a brow. “I do not believe you are in a position to tease,  _ captain _ .” 

 

Kirk grinned “what can I say? I’d fight anything to get back to you.” 

 

“Anything?”

 

“ _ Anything _ .”

 

Jim smiled as he watched Kirk gaze at Selek, who flushed slightly and turned away to go into the kitchen.

 

“Besides.” Kirk said, eyes twinkling now “I knew you couldn't deny a chance to board our silver lady again.” 

 

“As long as I board her with you, indeed.” Selek said without looking back. He didn't need to anymore. 

 

There was logic to the universe after all, and therefore they would end up on that bridge again someday. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters left :,) We still have to get these babies home


	14. The Spectrum of the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more visitors board the Enterprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE MORE CHAPTER AFTER THIS lets get them home shall we?
> 
> theres a rimming scene in this chapter after Jim and spock make their second deal, its not that graphic but if that makes you squemish go on and skip.
> 
> Dedicated to halsey

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

~

 

Three days later, the Jim who was captain of the Enterprise they were currently on hummed as he drew little patterns on Spock's stomach. There were faint scars from where he had been hurt, but they were mostly healed. His husband had perfect abs in Jim’s opinion. They weren't well defined exactly, but they were there. They rippled when he moved. Jim rather enjoyed watching them, and kissing them and biting them… Etc. 

 

“Jim?” Spock muttered, the hand that had been rubbing circles on the back of Jim’s neck paused in its movements. 

 

Jim looked up at him “something wrong? No pain right?”

 

“No I just…” Spock trailed off. 

 

“What's up babe?” Jim propped himself up on his elbows to look at Spock.

 

“I cannot stop thinking about our older counterparts.”

 

“Which ones?”

 

“The ambassador he…” Spock trailed off “... Once, he told me he did not regret loving his Jim, even though he had been without him for many years. Even though he grieved daily.” 

 

“Spock…?” Jim’s voice grew weary. What was his husband saying?

 

“I… I simply…” Spock suddenly realized what Jim was thinking, and his look turned from contemplative to hard. “I am not leaving you, Jim. I will never leave you.”

 

Relief flooded Jim, and he nodded “I know. It's just… I'm gonna die someday.”

 

“And I wish to follow you.” Spock said softly. 

 

Jim fell out of the bed. 

 

“Jim?!”

 

“ _ Ow _ \- okay  _ what the fuck _ ?” Jim sat up, rubbing the back of his head “what are you saying?”

 

“I…” Spock’s eyes became sad “the ambassador said that he promised the admiral to continue living after he died. I… I do not wish to make you such a promise.” 

 

“Spock!” Jim clambered to his feet and stood over his husband “spock  _ what are you saying _ ?”

 

“When you die, permit me to follow you.” Spock whispered

 

“ _ Hell no! _ Spock I’m not going to let you kill yourself or whatever the fuck you're planning when I die.”

 

“I have already lost you once.” 

 

“Tough shit! You are  _ not  _ allowed to commit suicide after I die!” Jim said “promise me! Promise me you won't!”

 

Spock stared up at him, his eyes pleading “I cannot.” He whispered “do not ask this of me.”

 

“Too late. I am. Spock  _ please _ !” 

 

“No.”

 

“Spock  _ dammit _ \- you can't. You have to live!” 

 

“Why?” Spock said softly “why should I live when my everything has gone?”

 

“I…  _ Spock _ .” Jim sank back onto the bed next to him “Spock. Sweetheart. Look- I'm not even going to die for a long time. So we don't even have to worry about this, okay?” 

 

“You will not make me promise?”

 

“No, I want you too but-”

 

“Jim, what if this was the other way around?” Spock said.

 

Jim froze.

 

He remembered earlier that week, when Spock’s station had exploded and he had started to fade from Jim’s mind. When Spock had almost died. He remembered the panic- and Spock hadn't technically been dead. God what was he supposed to do if Spock actually  _ died _ ?

 

“I…” Jim slumped, sighing “okay. I see your point.”

 

“Jim-”

 

“Hey, I’ll make you a deal.” Jim suddenly say up straight again “yeah? Let's make a deal.”

 

“Very well.” Spock said softly 

 

“When one of us dies, the other does what the other will do, okay? No promises, no obligations, just- do what you will do. If you really wanna kill yourself after I die, I can't stop you. If I want to shoot myself after you die, fine. We just… Deal with it when it happens.”

 

“Roll with the punches, as you might say.” Spock commented “cross that bridge when we come to it.”

 

“Yeah.” Jim said “deal?”

 

“Deal.” Spock agreed. He went quiet again and then “Jim?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I had a thought.”

 

“And you're gonna tell me what it is?”

 

“Indeed.” Spock looked up at him “I was thinking that perhaps we could get married again. In the human way. Nyota could plan it, and Doctor McCoy could be your best man. They would have no reason to be mad at us anymore.”

 

“... Did you just propose to me?”

 

“I suppose I did-” 

 

Jim  _ squealed  _ and tackled him. “ _ Oh my god YES! _ ”

 

Spock’s back hit the bed with an  _ oof  _ and Jim laughed. “Oh my god you  _ proposed _ ! Where's my ring?”

 

Spock blinked “I do not have one-”

 

“I don't care!” Jim grinned down at him “of course I'll marry you you big dummy!” He leaned in to nuzzle him. “I’ll marry you a thousand more times, deal?”

 

“I believe we have already made a deal tonight.”

 

“Sh. Deal?”

 

“Deal.”

 

“And we seal it” Jim leaned in to kiss Spock briefly before pulling away and pressing their foreheads together “with a kiss.”

 

Spock reached behind him to bring his head forward for another kiss, and soon they were making out. 

 

Jim finally pulled away from Spock’s mouth, and Spock stared up at him.

 

“Mm, again?” Jim asked.

 

Spock didn't respond, just bucked his hips upwards so Jim could feel his erection. Jim smirked “hm… What to do?” Jim leaned down to nip Spock’s ear “... Ya know, I'm kinda hungry” he commented randomly “and I know just what I want to eat.” 

 

Without warning, Jim dove down so he was by Spock’s hips and closed his mouth around one. Spock yelped when he dug his teeth in, and groaned when he started to suck. 

 

“J-Jim I am not food!” Spock said, although it came out more like a whine.

 

Jim laughed and pulled off of him with a pop “right you are commander. Now get that ass of yours in the air.” For emphasis, he smacked one of those cheeks. 

 

Spock’s ass was perfect in Jim’s opinion- pale green, round, and solid with muscle. He grinned when Spock brought it up near his face. 

 

“God look at you, so  _ beautiful. _ You put your ass in the air like a good boy for me… I love this ass of yours. It's so lovely.” Jim gave it a squeeze, and Spock squirmed, which made him wiggle his ass in Jim’s face. Jim laughed. “Mm… You look so perfect like this.” He squeezed one of Spock’s ass cheeks harder, and then slowly started to pull them apart. “Oh and there it is!” He giggled “aw look, it's still dripping cum. You can't hold it all inside you? Can you?” 

 

Spock's response was a head shake.

 

Jim grinned devilishly “don't worry  _ k’diwa _ . I’ll help you.”

 

And then, he stuck his face into Spock’s ass, and all coherent words were  _ gone _ . 

 

They continued like that for what felt like years- centuries even. Jim was quite happy to rim Spock for all eternity-

 

When the comm rang. 

 

Jim pulled his face away, flexing his jaw. Spock whined. 

 

“Sorry darling, you know I have to answer it.” Jim said, wiping his mouth with his hand. 

 

Spock gave him a look but nodded, reaching over and wiping a drop of cum off his face. Just to tease him, he then licked it off his finger and blinked his eyes at Jim.

 

Internally, Jim swore.  _ Dammit who in the universe actually believed that Vulcans are asexual?!  _

 

Jim quickly turned to the comm, clicking the button to answer “captain here.”

 

_ “Captain, lieutenant Jezse. In the transporter room. Two figures have just beamed aboard- they have phasers, they are babbling on about another captain- they look like Mr. Scott and Mr. Chekov sir!” _

 

Ah.

 

“Alright lieutenant, I'm on my way. Escort them to conference room four please.”

 

_ “Aye sir. Jezse out.” _

 

Jim hung up and turned back to Spock, who was pouting.

 

“It appears our other crew is here to take them home.” 

 

Spock gave him a look. 

 

Jim grinned “they can wait five minutes.” He decided. And then he tackled him back onto the bed.

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

Kirk was holding Spock’s hand as he walked through the Enterprise. The blue eyed him had called the whole original crew to conference room four- and they all knew where it was. 

 

Uhura and Sulu and Bones were standing outside, waiting for them before going in. Kirk looked at them.

 

“So what's going on?”

 

“We don't know sir. We figured we would wait for you.”

 

“You could have just gone in.” Kirk said, turning to push the button to open the door-

 

It slid open, and Chekov lifted his head. 

 

Scotty and Chekov were seated, but their eyes were weary. It was  _ their  _ Scotty and Chekov, Kirk realized. Also in the room was Jim and the younger Spock, along with this worlds Hikaru and Pavel. 

 

Kirk stepped in. He didn't need to look behind him to know Sulu had followed, because Chekov’s face brightened considerably. 

 

Sulu quickly went over to him to pull him into a hug as he stood, Chekov beaming into his shoulder. “‘Karu!” He said, grinning happily. “Hey pav.” Sulu mumbled into his shoulder (Kirk noticed the other Hikaru sigh silently and rub his arm, and he hoped for his sake that the other Pavel helped him through whatever he was going though.)

 

Scotty stood to salute Kirk in greeting, and Kirk grinned “at ease.” He said. Scotty practically slumped “capt’n.” Scotty said “it is  _ very  _ good ta see ya again sir.” Uhura brushed past Kirk to kiss him on the cheek, and he smiled and tangled his fingers with hers. Bones went over too, and Scotty quickly wrapped the other arm around his waist. 

 

“Mr. Scott I trust you've taken good care of the ship?”

 

“Aye sir. Ya’ve been missing fer nearly 2 weeks. The crew is just ‘bout givin’ up hope.” 

 

“Well Mr. Scott I relieve you of duty.” Kirk said. 

 

Scotty practically collapsed as the weight fell off his shoulders “and I am- in every sense of da word-  _ relieved _ , capt’n.” 

 

Kirk shook Scotty’s hand “you’ll get a commendation for this.” Kirk promised, and Scotty beamed tiredly “I’ll be happy ta just give ya back yer ship sir.” He nodded at Spock then “Commander. The science department is a mess without you.” He said seriously, and Spock raised a brow “I trust it is not on fire?”

 

“Nearly was a few times sir!”

 

“I see.” Spock said, and Kirk almost laughed at the look on his face. Spock enjoyed his science duties more than he cared to let on. His department was one of the smoothest running on the ship, something he took great pride in. And he would never admit it, but his little science officer worker bees were his pride and joy (if Vulcans could have such things)

 

“Well Mr. Scott, I trust you know how to get us back?”

 

“Aye sir! We’ll be ready to beam back within the hour!” Scotty said proudly. “Me an’ Mr. Chekov have been working tirelessly!” 

 

“Very good then.” Kirk’s eyes twinkled “let's go home.” He twined his fingers with Spock’s “I have a wedding to attend.” 

 

(“Pay up” sulu whispered to his chekov “Nyet!” Chekov whined, and everything was okay)

 

* * *

 

_ The Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

It was an hour or so later when Selek and James stood in the transporter room to see off their counterparts.

 

“So wait- what about you?” Kirk asked. 

 

Selek blinked “what do you mean?”

 

“You could come back to our universe- we could use the guardian to send you back to your time.” Kirk said “you could go home.” 

 

James blinked at him, then looked at Selek “what do you think?”

 

“... If you wish to return, I would not object.” Selek said “however… James, in the time I came from to this world, I had no one left. My parents were both dead, our whole crew was gone, even Saavik had passed. There is nothing left for me there and” his mouth set in a grim line “weather or not you believe it is my fault, I  _ did  _ play a role in the destruction of Vulcan in this world. I owe it to her people to help rebuild.” 

 

“Well, there you have it!” Said James, beaming at Kirk “I go where he goes, so.”

 

Selek blinked “James. If you wish to return- you could live out the rest of your life- you could create another branched timeline-”

 

“And leave you alone again? No way in hell.” James squeezed his hand “I'm afraid you're stuck with me Mr. Spock.” 

 

Selek smiled “then that is how it shall be.”

 

“So.” Scotty said “any futuristic equations you care to give me?” He asked hopefully

 

“And take away the joy of figuring out how to break warp 9 on your own?” Selek said, tilting his head.

 

Scotty nearly squealed.

 

“Hey! You said not to tell them anything!” James whined 

 

“Small things I suppose we could tell them.” Selek said after a moment.

 

“In that case… Don't let Bones grow a beard.” James said, looking pointedly at Uhura and Scotty.

 

“Purchase a pair of rocket boots. They will come in handy.” Selek said to his younger self. “Yeah. 2,000+ points of interest and he still picks me!” James laughed. Then he sobered and turned to Kirk 

 

“Your life isn't gonna be perfect kid. You're gonna get into a really stupid fight someday and some really bad stuff is gonna happen.” He reached over to squeeze Selek's hand “just try to remember that bills aren't worth it.”

 

“Jim.” Selek said softly 

 

“Yeah, I know. That probably won't help much. Just… He comes back, okay? He always comes back.” 

 

Kirk blinked at him “what do you-”

 

“I can't say more. Just trust me.” 

 

“... Okay?”

 

“Good. Remember the names Saavik and David. They’ll become important.” James grinned. 

 

“Mr. Sulu- remember the name Demora. It is a lovely name, is it not?” Selek said. 

 

“And Chekov-  _ please  _ get a haircut.” 

 

Everyone laughed at that, even Chekov himself. 

 

“That's really all you're gonna give us?” McCoy said, Ludicrous “you have  _ nothing  _ else to say?”

 

Selek and James looked at one another, then back at McCoy “marsh melons.” Selek said “and row row row your boat!” James grinned. 

 

McCoy groaned “you know what? I don't wanna know.”

 

James laughed, and Selek smiled. 

 

“And don't forget- whales. Whales and  _ nuclear wessles _ and colorful metaphors and undiscovered lands and final frontiers-.” James said, grinning as they all took their spots. “You have your ship and each other and a billion stars. Never stop enjoying them, all of you.” 

 

“It gets hard at times.” Selek said to himself. “But you never regret it. Any of it. This is your family, form those bonds with them and strengthen those you already have- including the one with our father.” Selek gave Spock a pointed look at that “Things will come to make more sense with time. The simple feeling… It makes us stronger than you realize.” Spock looked confused, but Selek just held up his hand. 

 

“As I alone know how all your stories end, my usual form of saying goodbye will be oddly and pointlessly ironic.” He said. He held up the ta’al “so I will simply advise you to enjoy every moment of it- and remind you to boldly go.” 

 

He gave them a smile, and James waved.

 

“ _ Energize _ !” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter next... ;,)


	15. The Logic of Joining the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 weddings and a honeymoon (an epilouge)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, our last chapter. :) see you on the other side
> 
> A there's sex scene between the ambassador and the admiral in between the two line breaks. Skip if you want.
> 
> Dedicated to you. yes, you. No, not you reading over this person's shoulder you creep, YOU. the one reading. You. Yeah, you. Thank you.

_ Enterprise, Alternate _

 

_ ~ _

 

Jim bounced slightly as he fixed his outfit. He was so excited- this had been thrown together in record time but it was going to be  _ perfect _ .

 

“Kid will you  _ please  _ quit it? You're gonna mess up your suit!” Bones chastised from behind him. Jim turned and grinned at him. “I'm allowed to bounce Bones. It's my wedding day!”

 

And it was.

 

The  _ Enterprise’s _ chapel looked beautiful- Nyota and Hikaru had worked together to grow tons of flowers. A walkway had been made. The whole crew was there, along with Sarek. Selek was seated in the front row, next to the one empty seat- there was a reserved paper on it. The name on the paper was  _ Amanda Grayson _ . 

 

James Kirk- the admiral- stood proudly on the other side of the alter. They were orbiting around a planet that was mostly water with hundreds of small islands on it. You could rent one for a good amount of credits- it was where their shore leave was going to be. Well, it was shore leave for the rest of the crew. For Jim, it would be his honeymoon spot. For Selek and James, it would be their vacation spot. 

 

The music started, and Spock walked in. He wasn't wearing white, but he was wearing a suit. And  _ damn  _ did he look good in it. Sarek walked him down the aisle, and when they reached the alter, he touched his hand to Spock’s meld point for just a moment. Then he said “your mother would be proud of you, my son.” And took his seat. 

 

Spock stood across from Jim, and reached to take his hand.

 

James grinned. 

 

“We are gathered here today, to witness two souls who may as well be a universal constant…”

 

Jim is crying by the time the I Dos are spoken, and Spock dips him back to kiss him when he's told to. Pictures are taken and tears are shed. 

 

The reception is a party, complete with a chocolate fountain so Sarek and Spock and Selek can get wasted with the rest of them. Jim waltzes with Spock in front of his crew, and everyone applauds afterwards. Scotty and Bones turn almost the exact shade of the engineering uniforms when Spock takes off his lapel flower and places it in Uhura’s hands, saying how “it is custom to throw the bouquet, but this will have to suffice.” 

 

Bones gives his best man's speech, and it is easily the sweetest thing bones has ever said. Ever. 

 

Jim spots James slip Selek a chocolate martini, and Selek simply smiles at his husband as he drinks it. Selek will tell them much later that James did a similar thing at their wedding reception.

 

There is one chair that never gets filled. It's for Amanda, and Jim catches Spock gazing wistfully at it once. He asks if he is okay. And Spock simply looks at him and says he is imagining getting to dance with her at his wedding. Jim says he would like to dance with her too. 

 

They receive several gifts- probably their favorite is two matching wedding rings from Scotty. He says he knows Vulcans don't do rings, but he also made chains so Jim and Spock can both wear them under their shirts. The rings are from scraps of the Enterprise, and Jim thinks their perfect.

 

The biggest surprise is when Bones gives him and handwritten letter from his mom, and Jim probably reads it 5 times before he vows to call her and make amends- she just said she was going to pay for their honeymoon and gave her sincerest apologies for all her wrongs, how could he not?

 

Selek gives them a piece of paper. On it is a list of places. “The most interesting places we ever went.” Selek says “use this list wisely. Some of them are dangerous.” Jim beams. 

 

James gives them another list, this one of people “don't tell my husband” is all he says, and since the first name on the list, underlined three times and written in all caps is “KHAN” Jim can guess who all the people on the list are. James didn't say who was who, and who these people hurt and when they met them or what they did to them, but Jim takes it and puts it in his pocket and decides this would be one of Spock and His most treasured secrets. 

 

That night, they beam down to Yewar to a small island with a beautiful house. 

 

Jim declares that he is going to make Spock come in every room before their two weeks is over, and Spock says he's going to hold him to that.

 

Life is perfect enough for Jim.

 

* * *

 

_ Yewar _

 

~

 

Spock hums as he wakes up when he feels kisses being trailed along his spine. 

 

They have been on Yewar for 3 days, and unlike the Enterprise which is leaving after two weeks, he and Jim are going to be there for a month. 

 

He hums a little, and smiles as he remembers only a few nights ago when a certain song had come on 

 

_ “Come on darling, you know this one.” _

 

_ And he did. Wherever, whenever, Jim and him heard this song he could be persuaded to dance.  _

 

_ It was an old one, a very old one. But it had been his and Jim’s wedding song, and he was certain Jim had requested it be played tonight.  _

 

_ He knew people were staring at them as Jim twirled him around the dance floor.  _

 

_ Like always, he leaned up and whispered in Jim’s ear “I'm afraid I can't dance captain. I always trip over my feet.” _

 

_ Jim grinned at him, another old tradition being fulfilled “Don’t worry my darling love, I’ll never let you fall.”  _

 

_ I’ll swim and sail on savage seas, with n’er a fear of drowning… and gladly ride the waves of life… _

 

_ If you will marry me... _

 

“Jim?” Spock asks softly, looking down at him.

 

“This is the first time you've been naked around me since I came back.” Jim says

 

“That was the first time I have slept well in 81 years.” Spock responds, because it is the truth.

 

“Your beautiful.” Jim says “even though your scarily thin.”

 

“I apologize.”

 

“It just means I have to fatten you up again. Maybe we can even bake something successfully!”

 

Spock snorts before he can stop himself, and Jim grins before leaning up to kiss him. 

 

They pull apart eventually. “I love you.” Spock says “more than words.”

 

“And I love you.” Jim responds.

 

“Jim?” 

 

“Yes my sweet darling?”

 

“Make love to me.” 

 

“Always.”

 

Jim leans in to kiss him, and Spock shifts so he’s sitting in his lap. Jim has learned more about Spock’s physical condition from the doctor McCoy of this universe- who  _ insists  _ on being the ambassador’s primary physician in kahoots with the Vulcan healers. Spock almost thinks it's unfair- his old bones hurt more than Jim’s do, and his hair is grey and-

 

Jim pulls away, smiling. “I can hear you.”

 

… And Jim is in his head again, and nothing else matters. 

 

“Look at you.” Jim whispers “you're beautiful. You’re so beautiful.” He leans in to kiss at Spock’s neck. “Your skin’s all soft…” He ran a hand along Spock’s ribs “and we're gonna get you healthy again, so you won't be so thin.”

 

“I… I'm perfectly…”

 

“No your not. Being this thin and overworked isn't healthy.” Jim kisses each rib he can see “but I don't care. Their beautiful. You're beautiful.” He nuzzles his nose into Spock’s side, where the flesh hangs off his ribs a little. He presses a kiss, then a sharp bite there. Spock yelps, unexpecting. 

 

He gazes down at Jim, not wanting to wait. He squirmed ever so slightly “Jim I…”

 

“Of course  _ ashayam _ .” 

 

Jim cup’s Spock’s dick with one hand, the flesh there soft and warm. He gave him a squeeze, and Spock groaned lightly. 

 

“Have I ever told you this is my favorite shade of green?” Jim asked. 

 

Spock starts to laugh, because Jim did tell him that. They were young, and it was fairly early in their relationship. Jim had been laying in the afterglow and he suddenly said Spock’s dick was the same shade of green as his causal green wrap shirt, and Spock had debated shoving him off the bed, which had made Jim laugh and kiss him when he told him.

 

Jim smiles up at him “I've missed that laugh.” 

 

Jim reaches behind him to slip a finger in his entrance, and Spock gasped because his body took it so easily. 

 

“Mm… You remember me.” Jim said cheekily, and even though he knows Jim is joking, Spock brushes his fingers over his forehead and says “I will never forget you again.” He says. Jim bows his head and kisses his thighs. 

 

“You’re beautiful.” Jim repeats. 

 

“You are beautiful as well.” Spock says softly “I used to tell you that every day.”

 

“My turn to make you feel young again.” Jim says, working him open with his hands. 

 

He shifts Spock in his lap again, and the feeling of Jim slipping inside him is so familiar- 

 

Spock will not last. 

 

He comes with his mouth pressed against Jim’s, and he idolly thinks that this is just like the last time they did this- they were in the same position- 

 

The thought makes him cry. Jim just kisses away his tears. 

 

They pull apart and Jim lays next to him, fingers mapping Spock’s body. 

 

“God I swear I’ll never leave you again.” He mumbled.

 

“I am afraid that if you try I will have to sit on you.” Spock mutters, and Jim laughs. 

 

“Of course.” He says sweetly, kissing Spock on the head.

 

For the first time in 81 years, Spock feels warm. 

 

Over the course of the next month, they become familiar with one another again. Jim learns Spock’s new scars and wrinkles. Spock re-maps the freckles and stretch marks on Jim’s thighs 

 

For the first time in 81 years, Spock eats three meals a day and sleeps 5 hours a night. He makes love and he smiles and he laughs. He is in heaven.

 

About 2 weeks in, Jim is sitting under the stars on the beach, naked. 

 

Spock comes out and sits with him. 

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Ya know, the nexus was supposed to be a paradise, but I can't think of anything closer to heaven than where I am right now.”

 

“I do not believe in heaven. Or paradise. But this is indeed the closest thing I can think of.”

 

“We're gonna die again someday.”

 

“Indeed. This time, we may get to say goodbye.”

 

“We will.”

 

“And we will join the stars?” 

 

“And we shall join the stars.” 

 

* * *

 

_ Vulcan _

 

_ ~ _

 

Kirk blinks when he opens his eyes for the first time after the healer's hand drops from his face.

 

He sees Spock across from him, sure-

 

But Spock is there. He can  _ feel  _ Spock there. 

 

It is strange. It is beautiful.

 

Spock rings the gong next to him, and the Vulcans that are there dissipate while the bridge crew of the enterprise- and Amanda- cheer. 

 

Kirk grins, and he pulls Spock into a kiss

 

_ ‘I love you’  _ he thinks

 

_ ‘And I, you _ .’ Spock's voice echos in his brain

 

_ ‘holy Christ-!’  _

 

_ ‘Jim?’ _

 

_ ‘Oh my god that is so weird.’ _

 

_ ‘Weird?’ _

 

_ ‘Good weird! Amazing weird! Wonderful weird!’  _ Jim is laughing aloud now.  _ ‘This is the most amazing feeling- god we should have done this ages ago.’ _

 

_ ‘We are together now.’ _

 

_ ‘Always and never touching and touched. Parted from me and never parted. Pretty damn poetic for Vulcans.’ _

 

_ ‘I suppose you are right.’ _

 

Kirk grins as his friends approach them to congratulate him.

 

“Alright alright! We have one night to celebrate and then we have to do what the ambassador said! By my estimate We have at least 20 years of adventures ahead of us people- let's go!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and that's our story. 
> 
> The song Jim and spock dance to is "for the dancing and the dreaming" its from how to train your dragon two. Peter hollens has a great cover of it and jonathan young's cover of it is seriously the best thing ever. It's a gorgeous and sweet song (listen to the original from the movie you want a jaunty viking dance, hollens or young if you want something sweet) 
> 
> Okay so a few ackowledgements-
> 
> Plaidshirtjimkirk and the oldmarriedspirk tumblrs, becaus their the same person and their amazing (I LOVE YOU CAPTAIN <33333)
> 
> everyone who left or will leave a comment during or after the posting of this story.
> 
> Halsey and Twenty One Pilots and Piano Guys radios on iheartradio. Couldn't do it without you.
> 
> and you, whether you comment or kudos or not, thank you so much for sticking with me until the last word :)
> 
> Please come and check me out on tumblr, I wanna be friends! www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com 
> 
> see ya around~

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so 
> 
>  
> 
> This is going to mainly focus around Spock and Jim prime and their relationship, but also TOS spirk and how their developing, with some AOS fluffiness thrown in there because in every AOS/TOS crossover, it's always TOS spirk who has their shit together. 
> 
>  
> 
> Not here! NOT TODAY BITCHES. 
> 
>  
> 
> A brief note- when the two Jim's are in a room together I refer to TOS Jim as Kirk and AOS Jim as Jim. Actually, I refer to all the TOS guys by their last names- McCoy, Sulu, Kirk, and Uhura. The AOS crew will typically be called by their first names/nicknames (Bones Hikaru Jim and Nyota) 
> 
>  
> 
> Spock is where it gets complicated damn him. 
> 
>  
> 
> By the way, Pavel’s Russian translates to “what the shit” and “oh fuck” in that order 
> 
> ~  
> please come visit me on www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com 
> 
> WOOOOOOOOO SEE YA TOMORROW


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